How far would you go…?
How much pain would you endure…?
How much would you change…?
Is it all worth it…?
My friends and family all asked that question and I was unmoved in my answer that I would do anything,literally anything.I’m not even joking.Some of the things I did is cho embarrassing,but love makes you do things outside of your character.All for the sake of a smile that wasn’t your own ne?That logic can be applied to my wanting to travel to Mexico so eagerly,but why?There is literally nothing there for me and no one would be happy that I was there.What was my reason then and why did I want this so much?I was chasing something that was never there,but I have convinced myself that everything would be made to work if I just went.I am fool.
My best friend and someone I’ve dated for a long time asked me a serious question that made me see the light,so to speak.She asked me, “Is that person willing to change for you?”, and it hit me,no….it was just me alone,chasing a mirage that I should have ran from.I created a fictional situation and now my heart is in pieces.
With that said,I have decided that I am no longer going to Mexico.Disappointment,anxiety,stress,depression,and a false sense of assurance has defeated this stubborn fool.
I apologize to you all for wasting your time with my whining.Please take care always
So guys,for the last few days,you’ve all read my flip-flopping on whether I will go to Mexico next month or will I save myself the shame and disappointment and stay home.I am still most indecisive about it.I’ve consulted with my friends and to a resounding “Fuck that trip” in the worst engrish possible lol!For me it’s not that simple and that’s why I need your opinions.
The trip has lost all meaning and it’s honestly a waste at this point.Instead on dwelling on something that was ill-advised from the start,I’ve decided to have some fun with it.Either way,Im screwed out of nearly 250.000 yen(Im not even going to try to write out all the conversions lol).With that said,I’m going to let you all decided if Kyo should go to Mexico,get drunk,and be depressed in a foreign land,or Stay in Tokyo,get drunk,and be in familiar depression?Just type “Yes” or “No” the comment section.I encourage you to give your opinions.This should be fun ne?
So I am officially losing my mind!Well….what was left of it anyways.So as I stated a fews post ago,I’ll taking an ill-advised trip to Mexico in December.The trip is not only ill-advised,but due to my own stupidity,it’s now also ill-planned!I have no place to stay yo!Hahahaha.I know exactly what most of you are thinking, “Why in the world did you book a flight across the globe and now reserve a place to stay!?”,weeeeell the specifics I won’t get into because it will depress me,but I’m not the brightest star in the sky,if you catch my wave.So yeah….X-amount of money on a trip that I would have never taken at random(lol) and no place to reside during my 2 week visit.
All is not lost!I have been looking into Airbnb and the rates are perfect for my thin wallet yo!Literally,This trip cost me my limbs,some blood,maybe a fingernail,and my happiness to afford it!Never work jobs out of your element!That type of stress can kill you.
My true dilemma is not the price nor the reason for going,but rather my anxiety is literally holding me hostage right now.I rescheduled my trip for the 28th of December instead of the 21st because I seriously need time to find a place to crash.Anyways,Every day I think about the trip,the sights,sounds,people,a certain something,etc and I literally lose my mind.I lose the will to even want to go and it’s stronger each day.I woke up this morning 85% certain that I will call this entire thing off and stay my brown bunz in Japan yo!Hahahaha….but that is also most cowardly and it goes against the promise that I’ve made.Never break a promise no matter how many times you are broken.My father taught me that,so I must somehow overcome the negative voice in my head.
It sucks,because I honestly felt like I was doing well this year,compared to last,but my mind is growing weaker,but as long as I can make a fist and mentally drown out the doubt with the drums of defiance,I will never cease to back down from anything.I know I am fighting a losing fight and I was already defeated,but I’m too stubborn to let it end with me defeating myself.
I guess I am walking a tightrope of “Should I go or Should I stay home?”lol.It’s not fun because I feel the winds of doubt swaying the rope and I’m at the tipping point.I’ll always hold on,but I fear my grip is weakening and I can’t allow this defeat.So there you have it,nonsensical rambling by the most nonsensical man in Japan.
Have a good day everyone.
Don’t lose your minds reading this
So,voy a Guadalajara en diciembre(I’m going to Guadalajara in December)for what was supposed to be a romantic vacation,but a change of plans occurred so now it’s just me traveling as a student.Hahaha.Although I am not a very smart student,but I do value other cultures outside of Japanese(my native culture),so I plan to bathe in the Mexican culture on this trip.
I have been planning this trip since the beginning of this year and I refuse to back down no matter what!So with that in mind,I have bought at least 5 Spanish books to equip myself to communicate with the people of Mexico.My real reason was to become good enough to confess my feelings to a special person in her own tongue(LOL)and thank her Mother for being most kind to me and for hosting me.I will admit that I have a pretty good grip on the basic sentence structures and grammar functions,due to my learning English at a very young age.All in all,it’s pretty to grasp and the phonetics isn’t too different from Japanese,so I just need to have more confidence!
So,you may be asking yourselves,”Why the ‘Help wanted’ title then?!”.Well,I do understand the basics,but having a fluent speaker to practice with makes a world’s difference in language progression.Having a teacher in elementary level educations aided in our mastering our own languages,so the same logic can be applied to learning outside languages ne?
I am not entirely serious,but I am not saying “NO!” to any help offered.I am not truly posting an AD that will pay you for your time and services,but I would appreciate anyone if they decided to help this foreign baka from the kindness of their heart(s)lol.
So if anyone would like to help,you can contact me at a few places(ONLY IF YOU CHOOSE TO!!)
I can be reach on:
Good afternoon my long deserted blog!!
I have some time so im just going to do a quick review
I am officially 31 years of age.I am steadily growing old by a landslide!!Some say that I should embrace my advancing age because wisdom comes with age.lol.Not sure about that one.I feel weaker in the brain more than before.
I spent a month and a half in America and maaaaan was it a strange experience!lol.
Most importantly: Im learning Spanish!!Im progressing rapidly and in no time,I’ll be able to bully my gf in her native language!!Wish me luck!^.^v
Have you ever stepped into unfamiliar territory?Have you ever took on a task outside of your skill set?Have you ever felt a fear unlike anything before?Well…I am currently experiencing all of this presently.
I have currently signed on to a new career that has me completely outside of my comfort zone,my skills aren’t remotely on par for this job,and I will be honest,I am literally shaking to my core.
I am currently afraid that I am not good enough to even start this task.I am severely doubting myself and I am physically making myself ill.I despise waking up every morning and I dread the drive to work.I am currently in America by the way lol.Yikes!
You know where and what fear is?Fear is self manifested and it comes from within.When you doubt yourself,those “i can’t” phrases become real.You become crippled by your own nonsense.It’s haunting.But you know what?You CAN do anything if you believe in yourself.Slowly but surely,I am convinced that i can do this.I can conquer all.I just have to defeat myself,Fear.