I was going to do a third entry to my “Dark Tide” mini story,but here I am to say “Screw that!”
The meaning behind those post was a result of my current state of depression.Yes,I am horribly depressed and it’s making me physically ill,Seeing things/people that aren’t here anymore,loss of appetite,feeling alone,hopeless,and simply wanting to die.Yes,it’s a tough pill to swallow when someone tells you that they think about dying or in coded terms “escaping”.It started last Thursday,I finished wishing my crush a good night and boom,depression punched me right in the nose!Since then,I hear a voice telling me how to rid myself of depression for good,but the advice is usually a suicidal method.So I know that my depression is urging me to off myself sooner rather than later.Over the past few days I have contemplated slitting my wrist,hanging myself in my bedroom,drowning in my bath,poisoning myself,and jumping in front of a train.I apologize if this is too graphic,but my blog style is all about sheer honesty no matter how heavy.
Lucky for me,I am still here to share this story.
The way I have been coping with my mood,my disease and all the ill-thoughts attached to it,I simply dance.You heard it right;I dance myself into of state of perseverance.I put my headphones on,i plug into my ipod nano (yes i still own one),maybe I’m feeling some Utada Hikaru, or wavy Kid Cudi,or fist pounding Dir En Grey,or euphoric ODESZA.Whatever I choose to listen to,my life is transformed into a stage in which I am the performer and I will give the performance of a lifetime.
Singing and nodding my head on train,Dancing,spinning,swaying my arms into the Tokyo nights to rhythm of my favourite songs,or just going absolute insane in my bedroom to some roaring metal.No matter the setting or song,I feel the weight of depression weakening and I am free to soar in that moment.
Life gets heavy,why not enlighten ourselves with some joy.
October used to be a month that I looked forward to with such overflowing excitement,but now,I feel nothing but hollow and disappointment.It’s just kind of ironic that last year around this time,I was beginning a business trip in America and I was in a very depressing part of my life.I mean it was so pathetic that I literally caved in to the demands of a ghost.Hahaha.Quite funny ne?
Fast forward to present time and I am not doing any better.I’m over-thinking,I’m anxiously awaiting for a presence that doesn’t recognize me,I’m over-working,and overall I feel defeated.I have no one but myself to blame,because I caved in to a ghost.This time,the ghost was a situation that I mistaken for a mutual bond.Yes,I am quite dumb.
I am sitting outside at the edge of night and wondering what does your sky view look like.It’s a bit baffling that some point in time,our skies seemed to entwine but maybe it was an illusion created by my foolish,hopeful heart.To call you,to hear you,to see you,to share our tales….it was a wonderful time to stand underneath a shared sky,or so I selfishly thought.Without physical evidence,It was nothing more than whisper on the wind ne?Sigh….I was truly selfish and I can’t begin to make it up to you.I don’t know how.The only thing I can do is fade away without a trace.It’s simple.I never existed nor meant anything anyways.Is it disappointing?Sure but it’s nothing new.I have been molded by disappointment when my innocence was stolen at a very young age.I can’t even recall a year in which I haven’t suffered some type of scar.It created me,so I guess I am used to it.
Whether it is friendship or love,it all ends up the same.The actors may change but the ending is always spot on.”You’re a good friend,Kyo but……” Or “I do love you,but…..” Aaaaaaaaaand begin the nice ways of telling me to “fuck off” or dropping hints that my presence is a bother or whatever.All it does is make me feel like I am not good enough.Which I am not.I know that all too well now and there isn’t a lie in the world that can change how I feel.
So yeah….Kyosuke is not a real enough person to be acknowledged.At least that is what my years of trying to bond with others taught.But it’s alright.It truly is.
I just wish I wouldn’t expect people to be different or try to convince me that it will be different.No,you’re all the same but with different excuses.It’s life,and with this type of life,I have lost faith in people,I just try to smile so there will be no worries.
I am only angry with myself for wasting so many people’s time.To everyone,I am truly sorry for everything.
Well,I guess I did enough “Kyo bashing” so I will go have my shower and stare at the ceiling lol.I am truly on my own in a separate sky
“Where did you go?
Why did you run so far?”
The words I shout as I try to keep up on the broken path you left behind.Afraid to stop chasing you because my heart is afraid of losing your presence completely,but it seems that not even your shadow remains.
Stopping along the cracked and crumbling pathway,I fall to my knees from the weight of disappointment and sorrow.The realization that you are really gone and I can’t locate you like before burns away the rope of hope that I’ve held on to for so long.The dream of catching up to you and seeing your face is slowly becoming a horrendous nightmare.I’m scared…
My legs won’t move,my heart silently beats,and I lost sight of your road.Do I give up?Is this what you want?I don’t know.I’m stuck and I’m becoming nothing more than a burden….I guess this is where the story ends.I have failed
Opening my eyes again,It’s 11:36pm,and the Friday Tokyo night’s atmosphere is quiet.I only have one question: Why can’t I sleep!?
There is something quite humbling about walking underneath the darkening evening skies of Tokyo after a long day of work.
For 32 years I have walked this atmosphere and for each day,the experience is still an enlightening moment.So sincere and calming,yet loud in silence and vivid in provoking thoughts.
I had my usual busy day today,working an 8-9 hour shift,and I went to this mexican restaurant named: Guzman y Gomez in Shibuya.I am glad i did because I had an amazing lunch and one of the workers recommended me a dish and i had tears of joy from every bite yo!Hahaha!I like to randomly surprise myself every now and then.
As my day comes to end,I can’t help but feel somewhat empty.No I am not sad,but it’s a form of loneliness that isn’t painful nor tear invoking,It’s just I return to my little apartment and I find myself talking to my echo vibrating off the walls.Am I going insane?Has my mental capacity broken down?Or am I missing someone?It’s more so that I am missing someone very much but I must be mindful that she is also most busy in her life currently.She is working so hard and she is succeeding at a phenomenal rate!I couldn’t be more proud.Maybe I am selfish,but that person makes me so happy when I see her face or hear her voice,so is my loneliness justified?I don’t know,But what I do know is that i miss you,Mari
I am happy whilst in my loneliness,but I’m still yearning nonetheless.
As long as she keeps giving it her all,I’ll look to these wonderful skies and convey my heart to her through the traveling winds!