Letter

Dear,Someone

It’s been quite some time since we’ve last exchanged pleasantries.I know that could be caused by multiple circumstances and I am most understanding of that.I am writing this letter to you in the hopes of learning more about your current life(If you respond) and filling you in on my thoughts and feelings surrounding our bond.
With the introduction phase out of the way;how are you?How is your life progressing thus far?I would love to know.Don’t keep me guessing for too long,oke?

As for me,I’m doing well as usual.I got hired to work on something that I have wanted for years now!It could be considered a dream come true!I get to quit my two current jobs that i absolutely loathe and with my resignation,that disqualifies me from traveling to America for a business trip next month.I’m sorta glad,because I am terrified of flying,but missing an opportunity to travel abroad is a tad bit disappointing yo!Its life.I guess with news like that,you would say that I’m more than “well” ne?Quite opposite actually.While I am happy with the direction of my life,there is a very confusing,lingering presence that rattles me from time to time…oke oke,DAILY,dare I say.

That presence is you,if you couldn’t figure it out.I can’t get you out my mind.An endless invasion,whether its your face,name,voice,or memories we have shared.You’re always with me and it makes my heart so heavy because I know I am the only one fighting with this…hahaha.I want to know your secret,how do you simply carry on without a thought or feeling about me?How come its easy for you to forget me and everything we were,but I’m an idiot stuck remembering it all?Its kinda unfair if you think about it.I want to be like you and walk like we never happened,I want to go to bed at night like you and close my eyes and not see your beautiful face,I want to sit in my lonesome and not hear your soft voice around me,and I want to be like you in the aspect that you have no hurt feelings,no pain,no tears,no chained memories of a bond that I held so preciously.So please,share with me how to be like you lol……please.
I guess I am being overly dramatic,but that’s me ne,hehehe.I don’t know,man…..I was foolish to think we were happy,while in reality, only I was selfishly smiling and you were lonely.I have always known you were unhappy and wanted something or someone else,but I thought I could be different and make you see me,win your heart,but I wasn’t enough and I couldn’t defeat the outside noise in your heart.I couldn’t hold your hands to assure you,I couldn’t embrace you to comfort you,and I couldn’t kiss you to adore you as you rightfully deserved,but I selfishly held you.I knew it was broken since the spring,I changed my tone,my approach,my overall view of you changed,it was a living hell in my heart and my mind was chaos,but I never gave up hope that I could change your feelings.You were already gone.
After some time,everything started to make sense,I understood why you didn’t want me to be too around,or to mention us,I abided by that because it was your desire,but my heart felt like you were ashamed of me and that’s oke.I would be too lol.
I’m sorry for everything.If you had never met me,I’m sure you wouldn’t have wasted a good portion of your valuable time and you would have had something to actually be proud of.If I could rewrite time,I would,just for you.I’m so sorry.

I guess I need to wrap this up ne?Hahaha.I didn’t mean to make this too long,but you know me,J never shut up yo!…..I guess your absence is truly the worst part of my life now,but I know that it is only bad on my end,but it’s opposite on your’s,so if it’s true,this pain of missing you is mine to bear as long as you are genuinely happy.I just want you to know,no matter where I am,will go,or do,you never slip my mind nor heart.You’re such a beautiful soul,a brilliant mind,a great companion,and heart’s delight.You truly were and still is,my star in the dark skies.Please take care of yourself and be happy always.

Sincerely,Shinobu Kyosuke

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Save A Light For Me

I try not to display too much of my raw emotions online because if you,you’ll either be called “emo” or “giving out too much on the web”.For me,its not easy to pretend to be something I’m not.Plain and simple.I am not going to sit here and tell you that i am wearing the biggest life-loving smile on my face,all the while my eyes light up from the rays of happiness around me,and my life is spotless.No.That is not Shinobu Kyosuke.I am not a “cool” online persona or a “cold hearted” presence just for the sake of being spared online ridicule.I am a Japanese man that suffers from depression every second of my life since age 14 to now,I am not smiling nor am I frowning,I know happiness is around me,but I see no way in which i contributed to that.I just don’t see a point anymore and that scares me.

For awhile now,I don’t like waking up at 6am to fetch my work attire,shower,and eat breakfast.Why?Maybe because I’m lazy.You’re half way right there,but not entirely.My depression makes my body numb and I can’t move.A literal paralysis by one’s mind.Couple that with my favourite lover,Anxiety,then it’s a classic mental beatdown.I surrender when i second guess myself because anxiety makes you question your worth,your ability,your rights,your place,and it all chips away at confidence.Without a single ounce of belief in one’s self,what is your purpose again?At least in my dreams i can literally be and do anything,and that’s why I refuse to leave the bed laced with an grabbing depressive grip.
In my dreams,I matter,in reality,I’m an afterthought,the mistake,the failed experiment,the that first step that gets taken for granted,the loser,the outsider,the unreal.Why though?Why can’t I see past the pitch black?I need a candle….

Ladies and gentlemen,let me introduce you to my mind.Behind this skinny frame,the brown skin,the mask,the jokes,the otaku,the artist,the pervert,the shoulder to cry on,there lies a vessel headed by a fucked up mind.
Mind,let me introduce you to my blog,it’s an empty space,so try not to get too messy.Thank you.

Until next time…
Thank you for reading

Run

“Where did you go?
Why did you run so far?”
The words I shout as I try to keep up on the broken path you left behind.Afraid to stop chasing you because my heart is afraid of losing your presence completely,but it seems that not even your shadow remains.
Stopping along the cracked and crumbling pathway,I fall to my knees from the weight of disappointment and sorrow.The realization that you are really gone and I can’t locate you like before burns away the rope of hope that I’ve held on to for so long.The dream of catching up to you and seeing your face is slowly becoming a horrendous nightmare.I’m scared…

My legs won’t move,my heart silently beats,and I lost sight of your road.Do I give up?Is this what you want?I don’t know.I’m stuck and I’m becoming nothing more than a burden….I guess this is where the story ends.I have failed

Opening my eyes again,It’s 11:36pm,and the Friday Tokyo night’s atmosphere is quiet.I only have one question: Why can’t I sleep!?

Thank you for reading my nonsense

Justification

Good afternoon,Reader(s)

As I sit on this train ride to work,I’ve seemed to be hit with an inspiration for a blog entry.I don’t quite understand what is so inspiring about a packed train ride to a destination i mostly spend my days,but it happens most often than not.So let me elaborate on my inspirational mood

Everyone is equipped with an original personality whether it’s welcomed or openly despised,It’s our own charm or alarm.But have you ever wondered why certain people you know are the way that they are?Do you ever catch yourself drifting ever so deeply in the spiraling questions as to how a certain personality came to be?
I will admit that I am most intrigued by human behaviour and psychology.It’s going to be a theme of my very first written title someday.But,my interest goes beyond the general consensus that; “he/she is weird,he/she is kind,or he/she is a jerk.”

Why does one act in a weird manner?Why does one carry themselves kindly?What makes that “jerk” tick?
Those are the questions I often find myself asking.Will i ever have an answer?No.Am I satisfied without having resolution?Of course!
Sometimes there are reasons for everything that are not meant to be understand.Maybe the truth isn’t always a welcomed open forum for all to be made aware of.
PRIVACY!

Privacy is a rare shelter given the age social media popularity.This post all,snap all,share all era is so vast that it is almost impossible to be quiet or reserved.There are internet personalities that thrive off the attention but most of the time,those idols are nothing more than just an “act”.
It’s very easy to pretend to be anything or anyone when you don’t have to be close to everyone who praises you from afar.
So originality is a fleeing concept.

For those that know me,I will never fail to be known as weird,maybe a jerk,maybe a oddy,maybe distant,but never forget these words; “I am who I am.There will never be a single soul able to imitate or recreate my personality”.
As for why I behave the way I do,Who knows.As far as I am concerned,My actions make me feel like me,Kyo.
Keep an open mind yo!
Don’t think too deeply about another personality unless you are ready for madness.

Until next time,Thank you for reading

Welcome

Welcome…yeah it’s been a long minute.Let me break it down if y’all still with it.

I am not a rapper.I was just quoting Mike Shinoda on his song “Welcome”.But anyways,WELCOME to my latest entry!
I know,i know!It’s been months since I last gave attention to my blog and I am truly sorry for the drought.Life his been a hectic ride yo!And I must say,two jobs doesn’t entitle me to much free time.Ugh!But,I still have my health and that is why I stopped complaining yo!

It’s funny,I feel like I am in one of those spring time dramas where the lead character is led to believe one element of reality but in all actuality,It’s just a familiar element tricking that lead into believing a false new element.Hahaha.
Are you confused yet!?So am I!But I have a pretty good grasp on the situation at hand and I am oe with it.Seriously,”ride the wave,Kyosuke!” is what I tell myself.Sometimes,you have to learn to not take life so seriously ne?Just whip your hair out and kick your feet up and breathe in that precious oxygen yo!Hahahahah.

Enough of my babbling.i truly missed posting here.Why?Because I just love the idea of leaving floating messages without a direct recipient.Oh what fun ne!?
Anywho,How are you all lately?2016 treating you well?How is your careers?Kids?families?

Also,To everyone whose birthdays I failed to acknowledged,I apologize and I wish you all a wonderful and successful new year in your lives.Go forth and never look back with doubt yo!

Until next post(or shall I say;)Until my next off day
Take care,Everyone!
Ja!

満足- Satisfaction

Halloween

Halloween happened last weekend and I hope everyone had a fun and safe time.As for the kiddies that got tons of candy,don’t ruin your precious pearly white teeth!Hahaha.
I remember the first time that I heard about “trick-or-treating” from one of my western friends because that isn’t a thing here in Japan.Upon learning about adults giving out FREE candy to children dressed in constume and yelling “TREAT OR TREAT!”,I turned to my friend with a stern face,fierce eyes,a strong voice,and uttered the words, “CAN ADULTS GET FREE CANDY TOO!?”Of course,my baka friend didn’t missed the opportunity to bash my hopes and dreams with a mocking “NO!”
Oh well!A boy can dream ne?

Anyways,I wanted to vent a while here.
Last month,I have gained a second job which is part time.It’s a pretty cool tech selling and repair shop.I get to interact with lots of people and be a nerd all the while doing a job well done!Hahahaha.
But…I still don’t feel satisfied.I don’t know why.I have been longing for a second job for almost a year now,and now that I have finally obtained one,I still feel as if I am not doing nearly enough.I am starting to feel like I need a THIRD job!!Isn’t that insane!?
I guess vi need to try to be content with what I have right now ne….Oh well.

That is all I have for today.I really missed this blog of mine.
Thank you for being patient with my lazy bum!
Until next post,Take care!

Now

Good afternoon,blog of mine

This place seems to be the only place where I can feel a peace without a feeling of backlash coming my way.Wait,who knows?Maybe my post will get get me in trouble ne?We’ll see.Lets get started.

I like to believe that the weather is a tie-in with my life.And if Tokyo’s humid and wet weather is any indication,my life is predictably unstable.Yuck!
With that unstable ground comes the thoughts of what went wrong or what is currently wrong.I am by no means “perfect” but people have their opinions of you and once they are opinionated,it’s hard to do anything without feedback.Fine by me yo!

I constantly follow the same routine daily; sleep,wake up,prepare for work,go to work,draw,sleep,and repeat.
I am not bothered by my predictable lifestyle.In fact,I am highly comfortable with it yo!……But people like to dissect every little thing you do.Like that class biology subject,you will be picked apart,piece by piece.Little mistakes are under the microscope and what is in the eye of the “beholder” is something SO big,so it’s unreasonably blown out of proportion.But,trolls feed on the activity that you give back ne?So what happens when you stop reacting?It pisses off the trolls and they shuffle back into the shadows waiting for the next series of events to sink their teeth into.That’s life!Or so they say ne

What am I ranting about?I have no clue.I just missed blogging yo!Wahahaha!
But seriously,life is too short to care what is said or thought about you by the masses.Who are they?Just a bunch of people same as everyone else.Life is what you make it,and I decided to make it nice and silent.Do I care if I’m disliked?Wait,i don’t care to be liked.I’m not from Hollywood yo!Do I want to hear positive reviews of myself?Only if they are staring back at me through the mirror.Does echoing gossip effect me?Oh,i’m sorry.I was too busy blasting my ears with Utada Hikaru songs yo!
Plain and simple,STOP TRYING TO IMPRESS OTHERS AND IMPRESS YOU!ONLY YOU!!
Life is simpler that way yo!Believe me

Whether you are unstable or stable,BE YOU
Emo or happy-go-luck,BE YOU
Old and alone,BE YOU
Dancing in your underwear on a Friday night without a care in a world,BE YOU
Let the trolls bark at the flaws.Bear no claws and just draw yo!Thats what I always say.

P.S I am on a complete wrestling binge lately yo! WWE NXT IS SO DAMN GOOD!!Hehehe

Until next post(that makes sense)
Ciao

Second To None

Good Morning.
it’s a bit too early for me to be writing,but when I feel sleepless,I figured that it’s the perfect time to write.Sleepless,yet most creatively conscious.that is how I describe my extreme bout of insomnia.

November is a month a self reflection for me.The season decides to change from mildly warm to cold and I find it most fitting to do some self reflection during this transitional month.
Each day,I walk outside the doors of my apartment and I gaze upon the trees in my neighourhood,admiring the changing colours of the leaves.I see people clothing change from short sleeve shirts,skirts,tank tops,and light shoes into sweaters,coats,boots,and long pants.With the seasons,we also change in ways to adapt to our surroundings,but how much of a change do we undergo during the season?

Sitting in my bedroom everyday before the sun rises,I often reflect on the new characteristics I have undergone to become who I am today.Yes,I am guilty of adopting some new traits to better please someone else.Be it right or wrong,I bear no regrets for trying to better myself in the hopes it will bring a smile to that face.Furthermore,how much am I willing to transform?How much do I risk losing my core features in exchange for the unknown?I have reached an answer.I don’t risk anything.I just live with who I am.

I am never going to be ultra intelligent,I am never going to have celebrity looks,I am not going to be a soothing voice to sing away troubles of the world,and I can not guarantee that everything I touch will turn to gold,but one thing I can never say I did do,and that is turn my back on myself.I will not betray my beliefs and morals to become a pedestal rider.I am not entirely funny,but my offbeat brand of humour has made people who have known me laugh,my half covered face isn’t drop dead gorgeous ,but I have been able to appear and cheer a few people up,and my overall personality is not meant for everyone to understand.If you get me,you can continue to walk with me and all of my flaws,but if you don’t,it’s best to not tail me,because I will never be made into an image unbefitting of my soul.

In the end,you are better off being true to who you are,rather than risk lying to yourself for a moment’s gain.Look yourself in the mirror,embrace every little thing about yourself,build up a confidence unshaken by no one,and give rise to a better YOU for the future.Afterall,no one likes to be second,so play second to none ne.

Thank you for reading.

Pitfalls

The sensation of overwhelming fear,anxiety,and excitement of what is to come next can cause mental illness.Well,at least i feel that way.I have so many emotions bottled up inside and it’s making me truly feel insane,in the most honest form.It’s very tiresome

Relationship,family expectations,work,and self aspirations are the leading cause of my dense depression now.Do i go talk to someone?Do i go for a jog to melt away the smothering coat of life’s weights?No…
I simply put my music on and i drown out the depressing sounds of my life.

sometimes i wonder how i even carry on with all this madness in my mind and heart,but I also remember why i must carry on.Its in my name to survive.It’s in my name to endure these hardships.
Everyone struggle in some point in their lives,but its how we handle them,that defines us as people.
So,with that said,sleepless as i am,i will put my earphones in and continue to fight and carry on.

Thank you for reading

Wilted Conscious

When the walls are louder than people surrounding you,can you still claim you are sane?

My current life is much different than previous,and that is a positive thing.I feel more balanced and well rounded,but sometimes what we see as an improvement may be a flaw to others.Oi,maybe everything i have become or ever was,wasn’t good enough for the public eye and conscious.Does it mean i should make over myself in a good light for others?

I am going to blunt and honest here.I am at a point in my lifecycle where i am just letting the thinkers have their opinions of me and the talkers talk of what they think i am.Wilted conscious people.Opinions and assumptions are chess pieces of ones’ own game board.The moves you make and the perceived actions you conceived are not actual reality.It’s a self initiated function.People will talk,they will think,but does it make you,YOU?Quite simply,the answer is no.

I write not out of bitterness or contempt,but out of awareness and freedom of not caring.I have been subjected to many negative adjectives,past and present,but currently,I let people talk.I am numb.A spring violet standing during the dense summer rains.
The point is,if YOU know who you are and you are satisfied with yourself,why should another person’s thought of you drag you low?Well,I am no longer being dragged!All the energy that was given in considering if i was a bad person or not good enough has been directed towards something more positive.
Lately,I have become very content with my artwork,so i know that i am on the path of self happiness.Please consider that.After all,the loud walls are much more welcoming than loud society

Thank you for reading