As you know by now,I am going through therapy to help me cope with a deep loss that has impacted me drastically these past few months.My therapist asked what are some things that I find enjoyable and I replied that I like writing.He suggested that I write down how my progression through this event is ever-changing.So I thought I’d give it a shot ne.
It’s been a month and few days since that dark day and ever since,the light of the universal sun has seemed to become distant.I feel better emotionally,although I struggle at times to understand why I am fine and why I feel a deep loneliness.I can understand the latter but the former is strikingly odd.I get along my days just fine…I guess.I wake up,i prepare for my job,I complete my tasks,I text my girlfriend,and I call it a day.There isn’t anything interesting about me,besides the mystery of how I am holding it all together,while seemingly ready to burst at the seams.I don’t feel sad,happy,excited,scared,nor anything else for that matter.I feel often times that I have no one to confide in nor a home to turn to.I guess that’s a part of the loneliness that has a grip over me now.
My therapist has tasked me with talking about my feelings to people whom I trust,but I don’t know where to turn…haha…So as for that task,I am solidly failing and thus,my feelings remains a bottled up mystery.
I like to believe I am healing,but at the same time,I question why I am healing so rapidly?Have I lost my heart?
What is grief?
Why does it crush you like glass?
Why does it shatter the trust in reality?
These are the questions I wrestle with everyday since last month.As I mentioned in previous post,I lost someone very important to me and it’s not just something I can get over in a matter of weeks,because I grew up and was able to have a life because of that person.Losing someone of such of a very important caliber not only breaks your heart,but it breaks your spirit.My spirit is broken,although I look ahead to a future with someone,I can not stop looking back,because that person in my past molded who I am today.It’s really difficult to continue to pretend that I am well and things are getting better,when in fact they aren’t.I joke with myself that I aged 7 years since that day and its true.I look and feel terrible.Its time to take action.
I signed up to join a support group.I guess I really need to talk about how I feel and why I am so scared to continue living after all of this.I can give a bit of insight into one of my biggest fears and its standing right in front of me with a big grin on it’s face.I am terrified of a reality in which I die completely alone and so far,that reality is looking more realistic.I lost my parents,my inspiration,my friends,and I live in a place where I don’t feel like belong anymore.I truly feel a deep loneliness that I have never felt in my life.I am just hoping that by joining this group,I can open up about my feelings and empty everything before I start anew.I want to start over and look towards the world with endless outlook.Until then,I’ll keep fighting for my new future.