Doctor’s Note

Originally,I was going to have my title and a few sentences in Spanish,but my friend whom I have been practicing with is off somewhere being lazy.Just my luck.Anyways, “Doctor’s note” will be my series to document my therapy sessions and how it affects me afterwards.

So it’s been about 3 weeks of steady visits to my therapist and the goal is to take care of my mental health.We have covered a wide-range of topics revolving around my life,some harder than others to discuss,but it’s helpful to let it all out ne.
For the past week and half,I have been dealing with an issue that is heavily bothering me,because of how much I wanted it to be different.The problem is,there are too many red flags that has risen that resembles situations from the past.My hope is that I am just extremely paranoid,but I am starting to doubt my own paranoia lol.It’s a horrible situation but what can you do?Absolutely nothing.

My therapist and I talked about it and she gave me some strong advice.”How much you invest into something won’t always go the way we intend,but you shouldn’t feel bad about trying your best.People all over give minimum effort and they never feel the sting of defeat,so being someone that goes all the way shouldn’t lead to feelings of negativity.Be wise,stay kind,and never match negativity with more negativity.Stay on your course and do things that what make you happy.Get rid of all the core-rotting substances and learn to trust yourself more.”

After my session yesterday,I made a decision that I thought I would never do in a million years and I am kind of proud of myself.I feel like I am in control of a situation that I once had no control over.I am not a dumbass that is easily swayed by nostalgia and I won’t be a fool for anything further.I feel lighter after that talk and I think I will finally be able to close my eyes tonight with as little worry as possible.

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Escape Route

Good afternoon!I am just getting home from my therapy session and I have some free time before I have to work.Btw,I just secured two more jobs so I have a grand total of FOUR occupations now ahahaahaha!Anyways,I wanted to talk a bit about my session with Eida-san.

As you all know by now,I am dealing with depression and I am currently taking antidepressants,which are making me crazier than normal.That’s besides the point.The topic of this session was my coping mechanisms.How does Kyo cope with the feeling of unwanted sadness and dark thoughts.Eida-san wanted to gauge the level of healthy to unhealthy my coping takes me.
Well,whenever I become extremely down on myself,I start drawing alot(I am currently making posters lol),I listen to music throughout the day to avoid talking to others,I don’t eat,and I just tend to try to overwork myself.So you can tell that my mechanisms are kinda normal to whoa,don’t do that dude!I am sorry,but it’s how I operate.
I hate that she asked me if I have a coping friend(s) to talk with….lol.Dude ahahahaahahaha.Moving on…
I am curious,what are some of your ways of getting through sadness and whatnot?
I want to try new things,so I can keep myself from thinking at all.

There you have it.The worst entry that I have ever submitted,but BLAH!I’m going to eat some gyoza with my child Kogi now.Bai bai.

Liberate Your Mind

It’s been 2 weeks since I started my therapy for depression and I can honestly say that I feel better.I always feel like a limited space bottle,but there was so much substance inside that the bottle began cracking.No amount of tape,glue,or temporary fix could hold it together and here I am,pouring out all the poison by choice.It’s a weird sense of liberation,but it’s MY liberation that saves me from my darkness.

Anyways,This is just a little update on me.Awhile ago I didn’t believe I would survive last week,but I am still roaring.I am currently sick again,but that doesn’t stop me from attending therapy,going to smash tournaments,and studying Spanish like my life depends on it lol.Spanish is honestly kicking my ass,but it’s a beating I must endure!My child Kogi-chan and I are going on a secret trip very soon!
Yup….life is just oke.

Language of Love

What I am about to write is no laughing matter!…Maybe it is,but whatever.This entry is going to be EXTREMELY cheesy,so if you read through the entire post,prepare to cringe.

At my therapy session yesterday,the topic of “love” was brought up and my current relationship.Eida-san wanted to know how this love makes me feel,function,and how can I be certain that it’s not lust rather than love.Without hesitation,I informed her that I am absolutely certain with my whole heart that I am in love with this person.
I like to believe that my exposure to the rest of the world,mostly western cultures at a young age helped shaped me into a more progressive Japanese than the majority around me.I have a more laid-back perspective on alot if topics and issues that most Japanese would shy away from or ignore because it’s “too much”.With that said,I know what liking someone for pure lust is like and I know what loving someone feels like.What this person make me feel everyday is something I have never felt my entire life and this person isn’t really doing much to provoke it,but by her just being herself,it sends me to the moon and back.

One thing that solidifies my confidence in my love for her is: I am investing all of my time and effort into being able to speak fluent Spanish.Yes,you read that correctly.For the past 2 years,I have bought over 6 books to aid in my studies,listening to Mexican telenovela(dramas),becoming accustomed to the music,and using an app to test my skills of the language.Yes,I am doing my absolute best to learn Spanish not for her,but for the sake of communicating with her family someday.
I have been in plenty mixed relationship in which the language of choice wasn’t just Japanese or English,there have been many.The difference is,I never felt this strongly enough to go and chase the language nor have I had this logic attached.
When I grew close to her,my initial thought was to pick up Spanish so I could understand her and her culture better.Without hesitation,I started studying as if I was back in high school.The very first attempt at a Spanish phrase with her was “Buenas tardes(good afternoon)” and she mocked my pronunciation of the words and since then,my heart became set on her and my journey needed Spanish a part of it.

So is it love or lust?I am 10000000000% certain that it’s love because studying this language everyday without fail leaves me utterly brain dead at times lol.I don’t mind,because one day it will come in handy when I am able to communicate to her family that I plan to marry her and get their blessings.
If you are reading this,you know who you are,and I love you so much.Thank you for sticking with me.

Something More

I wanted to started this entry off with the phrase “I wake up every morning and…”,but I forgot that I actually never have to wake up,because I don’t sleep at night!Hahaha…is it oke to laugh about that?Who knows.Anywho,I just wanted to do a short entry on where my head is currently at after three therapy sessions.

Eida-san is my therapist and she is currently the only person that can tolerate and listen to my venting for an hour and a half.I apologize,Eida-san.Now that introductions are out of the way,lets get into the meat of it.
For the majority of this year,I have tried to deny a feeling and blame it on being anxious to return somewhere,but in reality,I had this feeling even when I was at my preferred location.I have tried to deny that I was extremely unhappy with myself.My unhappiness doesn’t come from current events,but rather suppressed events I tried to silence,but they rang louder than anything else in my life.With that conclusion reached,I tried to self-medicate myself by doing the method I am accustomed to,overworking myself.As months went on,I felt my depression kick in at a rapid pace and it usually reaches its peak of giving me suicidal thoughts and then vanishing,but this time it didn’t.This time I reached that peak and went beyond it.I became so scared and alone and I turned to alcohol to cope…poor decision.I was dying and I was dying for a way out.
I finally had enough and decided to get help in the form of therapy.I asked to be seen four times a week and willing to pay whatever amount is needed.I know that if I didn’t seek help,….I wouldn’t be here typing this today.The sessions themselves are daunting and scary,because I have to reminisce about past traumas,but I know that in the long-run,this will be beneficial to my mental health and overall livelihood.I am grateful to still be here.

Please,if you or someone you know is depressed or just struggling,please get help/offer help.The world is too beautiful for us to forcefully shut our eyes forever.

Bright

Hello out there.Yes,it has been quite a while since I have been present on my blog.I apologize.I just didn’t want to flood this place with my dark thoughts.Not again.So please forgive the absence.

I am personally struggling.That is the truth.My depression has gotten so much worse lately and most times I am not aware that I am living until something distracts me from myself.I am so high on the idea of freedom that I forget that I am too close to the sun and then I burn.I am spiraling to the point where I don’t want to continue,but I can’t be selfish.So I have started going to therapy again and I am hoping for something to wake me from my living nightmare.I don’t like pretending and I don’t like who I am these days.It’s a scary and lonely present and I don’t know how to fix it.
I also had my first heart attack recently and I was warned that due to my condition that I am may experience many more lol….To be frank,I am completely terrified lol.But who am I to complain ne?I am still here and that should be reason enough to smile,right?….I am doing my best.

As long as I am breathing,I’ll continue to work towards a somewhat bright tomorrow and hope that I can feel the warmth of that victorious day.
Thank you for reading.

Jiyuu

As you know by now,I am going through therapy to help me cope with a deep loss that has impacted me drastically these past few months.My therapist asked what are some things that I find enjoyable and I replied that I like writing.He suggested that I write down how my progression through this event is ever-changing.So I thought I’d give it a shot ne.

It’s been a month and few days since that dark day and ever since,the light of the universal sun has seemed to become distant.I feel better emotionally,although I struggle at times to understand why I am fine and why I feel a deep loneliness.I can understand the latter but the former is strikingly odd.I get along my days just fine…I guess.I wake up,i prepare for my job,I complete my tasks,I text my girlfriend,and I call it a day.There isn’t anything interesting about me,besides the mystery of how I am holding it all together,while seemingly ready to burst at the seams.I don’t feel sad,happy,excited,scared,nor anything else for that matter.I feel often times that I have no one to confide in nor a home to turn to.I guess that’s a part of the loneliness that has a grip over me now.
My therapist has tasked me with talking about my feelings to people whom I trust,but I don’t know where to turn…haha…So as for that task,I am solidly failing and thus,my feelings remains a bottled up mystery.

I like to believe I am healing,but at the same time,I question why I am healing so rapidly?Have I lost my heart?

Candlelight

What is grief?
Why does it crush you like glass?
Why does it shatter the trust in reality?
These are the questions I wrestle with everyday since last month.As I mentioned in previous post,I lost someone very important to me and it’s not just something I can get over in a matter of weeks,because I grew up and was able to have a life because of that person.Losing someone of such of a very important caliber not only breaks your heart,but it breaks your spirit.My spirit is broken,although I look ahead to a future with someone,I can not stop looking back,because that person in my past molded who I am today.It’s really difficult to continue to pretend that I am well and things are getting better,when in fact they aren’t.I joke with myself that I aged 7 years since that day and its true.I look and feel terrible.Its time to take action.

I signed up to join a support group.I guess I really need to talk about how I feel and why I am so scared to continue living after all of this.I can give a bit of insight into one of my biggest fears and its standing right in front of me with a big grin on it’s face.I am terrified of a reality in which I die completely alone and so far,that reality is looking more realistic.I lost my parents,my inspiration,my friends,and I live in a place where I don’t feel like belong anymore.I truly feel a deep loneliness that I have never felt in my life.I am just hoping that by joining this group,I can open up about my feelings and empty everything before I start anew.I want to start over and look towards the world with endless outlook.Until then,I’ll keep fighting for my new future.