Risk Of Rain

Hey everyone.How’s it going?
I haven’t been blogging alot over the last few months and that is because i haven’t been mentally sound.I don’t like to blog when I feel down,because I will write exactly what this post is about to be; truly depressing.I’m sorry.

I was Sketching last week and I got the idea of a person who has been soaring through life no matter the harsh rains that came,his wings held him afloat.Suddenly,a new harsh storm appeared.This was no rain like any other before.His wing was lost in the storm,his body beaten,brought to his knees in agony,and only one wing left to shield him.He will never soar again.

I drew that because it’s a play on a situation in my life that has truly grounded me.Gripping sadness and feeling like a piece of trash to someone I always proudly stood beside.This time,that person only viewed me as a burden and decided to let me know that in my dire time of need.I truly am not happy and every day I don’t want to live through this feeling.I feel like I am in hell.All I can say is…. I am trying to be alive again.

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Stranger Things

No this isn’t a post about the wildly popular Netfilx series,because I don’t have Netfilx anymore to review it,all thanks to that bullet to the heart American adaptation of “Death Note”
This post is about my last 2 months,which has for a lack-of-a-better-term been a bunch of strange events.I went from a super clingy(me) relationship with such a sweetheart,to running her away(UNBLOCK ME BAKA!!),and surprisingly,I wasn’t too distraught that I’d gone without sleep for so long that I’d walk into a car,get hit,and end up in a coma for a month lol.I guess it isn’t all too bad ne?
I’ve also went from working at Narita airport,as an internet technician,a store clerk,and translator to scoring the job of my absolute dreams yo!I literally busted my nonexistent hump at 4 places simultaneously to scoring the only one that I needed/wanted!Also,my break up with the sweetheart gave birth to 2(in my opinion) fantastic short stories that I want to start working on.One is a gross romantic story and the other is about finding strength and purpose during depression.More on that later though.

The strangest thing has to go to this woman i was “seeing” (not really) for the last 4 days.So my best friend/ex girlfriend,Asaki gave me the idea awhile ago to just go on dates without expectations and that will distract me from the one I was/still kinda focused on.I told my friends about it just to make small talk and to let them know that my will to live is still there….somewhere lol.So they took the idea,ran with it,and out came a woman I will refer to as A.H,convenient because she was a total asshole,but seriously those are her initials.Anyways,We started talking on LINE for hours a day,my mind is still stuck on the past sweetheart,can’t help it,so I am literally going into this thing only for friendship.No more than friends,no lets grab food on the weekends,and no sex.Back to the hours on LINE part; the majority of the time was spent with her literally talking about herself,her sob stories,and anything I had to add wasn’t relevant enough for her to even touch upon.She was one of those people that love to hear herself speak.So it all accumulated into a lunch date at a ramen shop,my treat.We sat down,ordered food,and as soon as the waitress left,A.H talked nonstop from the moment we ordered til the time food arrived.I think the only words I spoke in that timeframe was: “Yes we are ready to order” lol.
Here’s the kicker,as soon as we finished eating and I was about to add to the conversation,she got up,said: “Thanks for the meal”,left my table,proceeded to sit with another guy,and hug up with him!I was cho confused by the turn of events,that I just stared off into the distance for awhile and somehow manifested a Kyari Pamyu Pamyu song in my head.THAT’S how flabbergasted I was yo!lol.She totally reminded me of someone I dated long ago!
Stranger Things indeed ne

Thanks for reading

Losing My Mind: Chapter 2

For the last 23 hours,I have decided that my trip to Guadalajara,Mexico is cancelled.Will it stay cancelled?I really don’t know,but at this point in time and with every little fear,insecurity,and lack of hope has me on the edge of collapse.I truly want to go and be the person of my word no matter the modifications that have made this process most discouraging.I guess if I am still feeling this way around this time next week,I’ll truly be home for the holidays in Tokyo lol.Like my pun there?No no,It wasn’t clever.I suck at those yo!

Let’s be honest here,I am heartbroken,I’m in pain,I’m sad,I’m being replaced,and I’m still hopeful.I lost someone that truly captured my attention more than anyone has before,someone I could talk to for hours on end about nothing that seemed cho important,and most importantly,I lost my best friend.Yes,I have a huge crush on someone who is fantastic in every way possible.She can talk and you immediately fall in love with her voice,she stares at you and you are lost in her beautiful brown eyes,her humour is so on point,and her presence make the darkest of times,the best of times.That’s my crush.I know,it’s funny that I got myself twisted into a pretzel just for a “crush”,but if you knew what I know,you would understand how addictive this person truly is.She was my little piece of heaven.
She is waaaaaaay out of my league,but I never gave up trying to win her attention.I am learning her mother tongue to try to impress her with my ability to speak on par with her beautiful voice and to prove that nothing is too difficult when she is the one I’m aiming for.I still suck at Spanish,but oi,I’ll get better and I’ll probably drop english for it yo!lol!
I worked literally 4 jobs simultaneously to fund a trip to her city so that I can confess my admiration of her and profess my love to her.To be able to hold both her hands in mine,look her in the eyes,and speak words that are true and that convey how she is worth everything no matter the hardship,she is worth fighting for.I guess that’s why this trip means so much to me,and it’s probably the scariest thing I have ever attempted in my life.

You will read that paragraph and go “If she is so special,why cancel???”
Well,When someone is unsure about you,but you are most certain of them,who gets hurt in the end?When you feel deeply about someone and they feel less about you,who grows a hole in their chest?When you extend your hand while falling in love,but the recipient turns and walks away,who do you think falls into a downward spiral of one sided painful emotions?That’s where I am currently residing lol.I am falling and I’m praying for the bottom,but it never comes.I’m stuck in a one sided love and it’s a tornado of misery,yet I am hopeful that love prevails.My heart is telling to keep fighting,but my mind is asking why am I going the distance for something that won’t move an inch towards you.I’m torn and that’s why I want to cancel this trip,but I also want to go.I just don’t know anything.I don’t talk to my crush at all anymore and I know she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore because she says so indirectly.I understand that.I am annoying.I just don’t know where my heart is going,but I do know is that I have a crush on someone that is making me lose my mind lol.So as of now,I’m not going to Mexico.

Thank you for reading

待ってる

Have you ever found yourself staring at the phone every 5 seconds or just verbally encouraging it to receive a message from someone?Wait no!?Just me!?Yikes!!Hahaha…Well I’m nuts!What can I say!?

I am currently in a relationship with the most wonderful woman in the world,but I can sense she is tired of me.I get it,I’m cho(super) annoying!I admit that,but it’s her fault for spoiling me so!I guess my dilemma is that I need to back off but It’s difficult as heck!Gotta do what’s necessary to stay in her good graces ne?I’m hopeless…..

Thanks for reading!
Until next time,Ja ne!

FlatLine

Something I always wanted to talk about,but really can’t because it is a sensitive/taboo subject for alot of people.I can’t be bothered by who is uncomfortable or offended by my topics,because I have something to get off my mind and I want to shout it:

I AM SUICIDAL!!

It’s not to say that every second of my waking life I prefer to be dead or thinking of the million of ways I can put an end to the inner struggles.Lately,I find it acceptable to be dead or the idea of my death doesn’t bring me sadness but kind of a sigh of relief and a comment of “Wouldn’t that be nice?”.
I suffer from severe depression and it’s something I have battled since I was 14 and even in my adulthood there exist the days in which I honestly feel so heavy as if I’m being held down and drowned by all my insecurities,fears,failures,what-ifs,and rejections to the world’s norm.I don’t know how well medication works,but I have always opted not to go down that path because I always hear side-effects will provoke suicidal thoughts(as if I need more of those ne?),so I developed a temporary treatment of sorts for myself.I do aroma therapy with scented incense sticks,play my favourite types of music,and just sketch what is in my heart at the moment.If I can keep my senses busy,there isn’t enough time and space to give my suicidal thoughts an opportunity to conceive itself in vast quantities.
People that doesn’t understand what it’s like to live everyday looking down the proverbial barrel of gun,waiting to blow your brains out with the mental disease that is depression.The hollow feeling you have in the pit of your stomach every single second,the constant worrying that something,if not everything can go wrong because you are fucked up in some capacity,feeling like you are alone in world of million souls but any sort of attempt to socialize leads to rejection on an epic scale(to the depressed mind).It’s crippling in every sensible aspect of the human construct.

I work 2 jobs that I absolutely despise,but I can’t afford to laze around,because the income keeps me afloat,I’m starting a third job at Narita airport next week and I know little to nothing about planes and their functions lol.I also have a relationship that is ongoing,social pressure is always evident in my life,and I am just simply not happy at all in my life.Not a single drop lately and I have honestly wished that i was hit by a car again and placed into a coma again( a much longer one).
Last night,I got into a fight with a jerk that was abusing his friend(a woman) and that was the first time in over 10 years that I engaged in a physical fight.I went home feeling empty and emotionless,and I remember feeling like I have no hope in anyone at all anymore.Like,I’m walking upside a steep mountain without a harness or any safety equipment;me against the world is my mind state lately.I feel alone,empty,cold,and just sick of it all.
I haven’t slept in 2 solid days and last night,I sat awake and seriously thought about drowning,slitting of the wrist,alcohol poisoning,overdosing on medication,etc.It was the first time in so long that i contemplated so heavily how to put the story of Kyo to rest for good.I have no answer for what my mind is going through now,because I feel worn out and buried currently.
If I am completely honest,I am really scared now lol.

Well I just wanted to get that off my chest in the hopes that “talking about it” would help.My verdict: I still feel terrible,but I will continue to fight this demon to try to find a place I belong among the living.
If you ever feel like you are alone,reach out to someone,I’m even available to share my experiences and stories and to try to give some guidance if I can.Just never stop fighting.Life is worth living;underneath all this bullshit is a spot with your name on it and your reason to value your life!

It’s kinda ironic that the song playing as I bring this entry to a close is “Failure” by Breaking Benjamin.lol.Sweet

Sayonara 2014

the year 2014 is within closing hours and the questions i am hearing are, “Will you celebrate tonight?”,”Did your year go as planned?”,”Any good memories you want to take into the new year?”.To simply,but honestly answer all those questions in one take….no
I don’t celebrate new year by drinking,which is within itself,a bad way to hit the ground walking,or shall i say,”stumbling” into the new year.

Did my year go as planned?If you want to be technical about it,i would say 1% yes and 99% no.Why so grey with my answer?Well,This year was filled with more disappointment and heartache than latter years.I mean,i came into 2014 from an already life altering 2013 and i really didn’t have high expectations coming into this year.
I had some expectations,don’t get me wrong,but I had zero reason that life would spin in my favour.
I would point out that the one percent that actually turned out right this year was me finding a second job.I was thrilled about that,but in the end,it was just another BS job with more headache than reward and put a strain on my personal life.
As i was engrossed in my personal life killing second job,I lost a friend along the way.That hit me,because she was a good friend,although we didn’t really communicate much during the year,i still held her in my thoughts and the news of her passing and before she passed she wished to speak to me,but i was too busy with dead end job that i missed the opportunity to thank her and say goodbye.It was and still is difficult to think about.
After I realized that my personal life was suffering due to that job,i quit and i don’t regret that decision.
A few months after that,i probably received the most heartbreaking news.My best friend passed away.I won’t elaborate on it much,but i will say this,since her passing,the way it all happened,and what i have learned since then,i haven’t been the same mentally and emotionally.I lost someone so close to me.Someone who was like a little sister to me.It’s never going to be right,but I know you are at peace.
Lastly,my relationship fell apart and I am still struggling to find the strength to piece it all back together.Sometimes you meet someone who you can’t ever forget nor leave behind.I met that someone and that is why I feel truly insane when she is gone.

With that said,how does my forecast for 2015 look?I will tell you,it will be a cloudy year with the way i feel.So my safe bet is to go into next year with no expectations and just continue to work hard.Hopefully that type of attitude will bear edible fruit ne…

Until my next entry,see you all in 2015!
Happy safe,healthy,and successful new year!
Sayonara 2014