Update 2017/11/04

Happy November,everyone!
I know my blog has been quiet.Im not good at being a consistent blogger due to work and my current mental state.Work is work which sucks hardcore bananas,but my dead weight currently is my unstable mind and trying to fake being “alright”.
Forgive me,everyone.I will expand on it later and I will be back soon.
Your patience is most appreciated.
Thank you

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Letter

Dear,Someone

It’s been quite some time since we’ve last exchanged pleasantries.I know that could be caused by multiple circumstances and I am most understanding of that.I am writing this letter to you in the hopes of learning more about your current life(If you respond) and filling you in on my thoughts and feelings surrounding our bond.
With the introduction phase out of the way;how are you?How is your life progressing thus far?I would love to know.Don’t keep me guessing for too long,oke?

As for me,I’m doing well as usual.I got hired to work on something that I have wanted for years now!It could be considered a dream come true!I get to quit my two current jobs that i absolutely loathe and with my resignation,that disqualifies me from traveling to America for a business trip next month.I’m sorta glad,because I am terrified of flying,but missing an opportunity to travel abroad is a tad bit disappointing yo!Its life.I guess with news like that,you would say that I’m more than “well” ne?Quite opposite actually.While I am happy with the direction of my life,there is a very confusing,lingering presence that rattles me from time to time…oke oke,DAILY,dare I say.

That presence is you,if you couldn’t figure it out.I can’t get you out my mind.An endless invasion,whether its your face,name,voice,or memories we have shared.You’re always with me and it makes my heart so heavy because I know I am the only one fighting with this…hahaha.I want to know your secret,how do you simply carry on without a thought or feeling about me?How come its easy for you to forget me and everything we were,but I’m an idiot stuck remembering it all?Its kinda unfair if you think about it.I want to be like you and walk like we never happened,I want to go to bed at night like you and close my eyes and not see your beautiful face,I want to sit in my lonesome and not hear your soft voice around me,and I want to be like you in the aspect that you have no hurt feelings,no pain,no tears,no chained memories of a bond that I held so preciously.So please,share with me how to be like you lol……please.
I guess I am being overly dramatic,but that’s me ne,hehehe.I don’t know,man…..I was foolish to think we were happy,while in reality, only I was selfishly smiling and you were lonely.I have always known you were unhappy and wanted something or someone else,but I thought I could be different and make you see me,win your heart,but I wasn’t enough and I couldn’t defeat the outside noise in your heart.I couldn’t hold your hands to assure you,I couldn’t embrace you to comfort you,and I couldn’t kiss you to adore you as you rightfully deserved,but I selfishly held you.I knew it was broken since the spring,I changed my tone,my approach,my overall view of you changed,it was a living hell in my heart and my mind was chaos,but I never gave up hope that I could change your feelings.You were already gone.
After some time,everything started to make sense,I understood why you didn’t want me to be too around,or to mention us,I abided by that because it was your desire,but my heart felt like you were ashamed of me and that’s oke.I would be too lol.
I’m sorry for everything.If you had never met me,I’m sure you wouldn’t have wasted a good portion of your valuable time and you would have had something to actually be proud of.If I could rewrite time,I would,just for you.I’m so sorry.

I guess I need to wrap this up ne?Hahaha.I didn’t mean to make this too long,but you know me,J never shut up yo!…..I guess your absence is truly the worst part of my life now,but I know that it is only bad on my end,but it’s opposite on your’s,so if it’s true,this pain of missing you is mine to bear as long as you are genuinely happy.I just want you to know,no matter where I am,will go,or do,you never slip my mind nor heart.You’re such a beautiful soul,a brilliant mind,a great companion,and heart’s delight.You truly were and still is,my star in the dark skies.Please take care of yourself and be happy always.

Sincerely,Shinobu Kyosuke

Separate Sky

October used to be a month that I looked forward to with such overflowing excitement,but now,I feel nothing but hollow and disappointment.It’s just kind of ironic that last year around this time,I was beginning a business trip in America and I was in a very depressing part of my life.I mean it was so pathetic that I literally caved in to the demands of a ghost.Hahaha.Quite funny ne?
Fast forward to present time and I am not doing any better.I’m over-thinking,I’m anxiously awaiting for a presence that doesn’t recognize me,I’m over-working,and overall I feel defeated.I have no one but myself to blame,because I caved in to a ghost.This time,the ghost was a situation that I mistaken for a mutual bond.Yes,I am quite dumb.

I am sitting outside at the edge of night and wondering what does your sky view look like.It’s a bit baffling that some point in time,our skies seemed to entwine but maybe it was an illusion created by my foolish,hopeful heart.To call you,to hear you,to see you,to share our tales….it was a wonderful time to stand underneath a shared sky,or so I selfishly thought.Without physical evidence,It was nothing more than whisper on the wind ne?Sigh….I was truly selfish and I can’t begin to make it up to you.I don’t know how.The only thing I can do is fade away without a trace.It’s simple.I never existed nor meant anything anyways.Is it disappointing?Sure but it’s nothing new.I have been molded by disappointment when my innocence was stolen at a very young age.I can’t even recall a year in which I haven’t suffered some type of scar.It created me,so I guess I am used to it.
Whether it is friendship or love,it all ends up the same.The actors may change but the ending is always spot on.”You’re a good friend,Kyo but……” Or “I do love you,but…..” Aaaaaaaaaand begin the nice ways of telling me to “fuck off” or dropping hints that my presence is a bother or whatever.All it does is make me feel like I am not good enough.Which I am not.I know that all too well now and there isn’t a lie in the world that can change how I feel.
So yeah….Kyosuke is not a real enough person to be acknowledged.At least that is what my years of trying to bond with others taught.But it’s alright.It truly is.
I just wish I wouldn’t expect people to be different or try to convince me that it will be different.No,you’re all the same but with different excuses.It’s life,and with this type of life,I have lost faith in people,I just try to smile so there will be no worries.

I am only angry with myself for wasting so many people’s time.To everyone,I am truly sorry for everything.
Well,I guess I did enough “Kyo bashing” so I will go have my shower and stare at the ceiling lol.I am truly on my own in a separate sky
Ja ne

Save A Light For Me

I try not to display too much of my raw emotions online because if you,you’ll either be called “emo” or “giving out too much on the web”.For me,its not easy to pretend to be something I’m not.Plain and simple.I am not going to sit here and tell you that i am wearing the biggest life-loving smile on my face,all the while my eyes light up from the rays of happiness around me,and my life is spotless.No.That is not Shinobu Kyosuke.I am not a “cool” online persona or a “cold hearted” presence just for the sake of being spared online ridicule.I am a Japanese man that suffers from depression every second of my life since age 14 to now,I am not smiling nor am I frowning,I know happiness is around me,but I see no way in which i contributed to that.I just don’t see a point anymore and that scares me.

For awhile now,I don’t like waking up at 6am to fetch my work attire,shower,and eat breakfast.Why?Maybe because I’m lazy.You’re half way right there,but not entirely.My depression makes my body numb and I can’t move.A literal paralysis by one’s mind.Couple that with my favourite lover,Anxiety,then it’s a classic mental beatdown.I surrender when i second guess myself because anxiety makes you question your worth,your ability,your rights,your place,and it all chips away at confidence.Without a single ounce of belief in one’s self,what is your purpose again?At least in my dreams i can literally be and do anything,and that’s why I refuse to leave the bed laced with an grabbing depressive grip.
In my dreams,I matter,in reality,I’m an afterthought,the mistake,the failed experiment,the that first step that gets taken for granted,the loser,the outsider,the unreal.Why though?Why can’t I see past the pitch black?I need a candle….

Ladies and gentlemen,let me introduce you to my mind.Behind this skinny frame,the brown skin,the mask,the jokes,the otaku,the artist,the pervert,the shoulder to cry on,there lies a vessel headed by a fucked up mind.
Mind,let me introduce you to my blog,it’s an empty space,so try not to get too messy.Thank you.

Until next time…
Thank you for reading

Soy Sobrio!

I CAN’T SLEEP!!!
NO I am not drinking or anything.I feel highly energetic and motivated to do so many things at once,but i’m mentally burning myself out in the process lol.Isn’t that funny!?Not a bad problem to have,in my opinion.I’m having a ton of fun at 5 in the morning,or should I say: a las cinco de la mañana.I’M LEARNING SPANISH BTW!

The video I posted is by a person/group by the name of Tommy ’86 and the song is called: “Why Did I Say Goodbye”.It’s an absolute jam to listen to,especially when you are alone and just chilling or if you just want a reason to dance!Whatever it is,it’s a damn good song!

Anyways,i have seriously started studying Spanish and I am enjoying it the more I dive into the language.I guess it helps that I am half-way decent in English,because Spanish sentence structures aren’t that different than their English counterpart.So I am grateful that I am able to pick this up so rapidly,because I want to be able to communicate with many people worldwide without barriers!I feel selfish sometimes,because I actually think I sound sexier speaking Spanish,than my native Japanese lol!Don’t ask me how or why,I’m just a baka,KING BAKA,in fact!!

I’m going to study a bit more now,because why not?!I can’t help but feel excited when I’m learning yo!The sun is slowly rising and my eyes aren’t falling at all!Bummer.Music,Candy,and Spanish til I fall yo!

P.s I added some links to the side of my page that will direct you to my personal Facebook,Twitter,and Instagram.REACH OUT TO ME,PEOPLE!!No really,you don’t have to.I’m quite shy.^-^v

Thank you for reading

Frown

Took a bite out of life today
Bitterness overtook my tongue
polluted words filled my lungs
Ill-fate was hard to digest

Singing sad songs through the streets of Shibuya,marching my feet to the beat of loneliness,and waving my arms to the rhythm of the depressive aura.This is my life in a moment’s flickering of 24 hours.
Closing my eyes to the vision of getting high with the birds and soaring the heavens of promised bliss.The gravity of reality pulls me back down to the pool of lies and self-doubt.”Where did I go wrong?”I can ask 1 millions times a day but only 1 action seems like a quick fix,but the effects of it would out-weight the release from prison.

I see the smiling faces,the big grins,the loud joyous laughter,the real happiness.I sit with my music and choose to be happy all the while frowning.What went wrong?
Placing my head against a wall,staring down at my shoes,singing passionately the words the resonates with my soul’s struggles of grasping the fleeing peace.
A clinched fist pounds away at the pavement as if it’s the door to true love; “Save me now” is the silent cries you will never hear me weep.”Let me breathe” you will never hear me whisper as you kiss my breath away with false lips.”Just let me fall” is what my body shows everyday it’s to endure the suffering.

In my head lies dark thoughts that I can not convey with another.I smile for your sake but inside my world is upside down.
I’m sitting in my room listening to a song about a person not caring about their former lover’s fate,while drinking alcohol lol.I suddenly got an urge to write something so nonsensical to others but holds a true underlying value to my perception on life.

Anyways,Carry on and keep rocking to your own sound!

The Giant-巨人

it’s been a long hour since I last updated this blog.My apologies.Life happens and you just happen to tread along the path it constructs.But enough that.I just want to empty my mind today.

Have you ever had the feeling of a giant?Not in the sense of height nor being such a towering body to behold.I am referring to the feeling of feeling like you are in such a great mood,a high if you would,and there is absolutely nothing that could shake you down from that feeling?
Well,long ago I had that feeling and I must say,what a mighty long fall it has been since that time ago.
I mean,I used to feel invincible,confident,unrelenting,and just overall happy.I was a modern day giant amongst my angst-ridden peers.I was that guy who felt he could “high 5” the sun and expect no burns.I even had the most absurd catchphrase whenever someone asked if I had doubts about myself.I would tell that person, “I will pierce the stars!”
Absurd,right?

Fast forward to today,and the only feeling of such high that remains is the fall from such a high place.A fall that isn’t one aiming to quickly burn you out and crash you back to reality,no.It’s the type of fall that is reflective in nature and forgiving of your cockiness,but lets it be known that no light shines bright forever.
For the longest of time while living my daily life and taking the mood-induced fall,I ask myself,”Why do we even have a word as ‘forever’?”.It’s bullshit at best and false way to convince not your audience,but your fleeing ego that you can try without much certainty.

I realised that there is much I want but can never possibly obtain,yet I yank the chain of fate hoping that I can alter the course of time and have my way.Silly man!Things aren’t that simply anymore.You learn defeat is a way of improvement and learn to understand that “pain” is the most influential drug you can never become sober of.
Why do I know or think like this?It’s because I used to be a giant.

Oh what a mighty long fall……

Groundless

Ohayou fellow bloggers and readers!I am doing an early entry today.”Why?”you may or may not be asking yourself,BUT….I will tell you anyways.
Truth is,I can’t sleep.I mean,my sleeping pattern has always been a wild maze since my teenage years,but this is caused by extreme stress,and I will explain why.

First,My flippin laptop is BROKEN!!!!AAAAAAAH!!!I can’t believe that of all things I own(mind you that I have not much),I wouldn’t have thought that my laptop would be the one to break yo!!!I thought my phone would break or get lost(God forbids),My ipod would break(Kill me now),or my drawing hand would get broken(Game over!)
The damn laptop fell from my desk as I was in middle of my slumber yesterday.I don’t know how or why it fell from a flat surface!Maybe it was a ghost or the universe trying to give me a sign,but one thing is certain….my prized possession is now completely ruined.I feel like a ninja without stealth……USELESS!!!
Below is a photo of the LCD monitor’s damage Huhuhuhuhu….rest in peace my Toshiba

WP_20140825_004 (360x640)

Furthermore,whats the deal with bills?!!I flippin hate that word yo!!Bills Bills Bills make me so damn ill yo!!Arghhhh!!!
In all seriousness,i am facing a huge crisis,personally and I am not sure if I will be around to blog until I can get my situation solved.I am going to be without wifi for a few days and I gotta move soon,so,until I get settled and find my footing,i’ll be away from my blog for awhile.I do apologize in advance for my absence and I really apologize to my sweet panda.I am sorry,but I will be back soon yo!!

Until next time
Stay kind and be safe my readers
Ja mata

Strength in Setbacks

Endure (640x495)

It’s been awhile.
I know,i know.That is my fault for being idle from my dear blog for almost 2 MONTHS!!!Forgive me,everyone.
But I want to write a post about some of my thinking lately that stems from my life at current.So I hope you all enjoy my musing.

I have been logging on here for weeks now,dare I say,months.But,i never could find the one thing I wanted to talk about.Of course,i thought about the idea of blogging about my favourite games,or wrestling(yes I am a HUGE wrestling fan!),or Manga.It’s just a cluster of ideas in my mind,but I can only evaluate on one topic per entry.Don’t want to go all nuts like I did with my blog on MyOpera(Rest in Peace you sweet community)lol.
As you can see above,is another one of my not so good drawings,but its a meaning behind that picture.When I was drawing it,i had two concepts in mind.One: I wanted to do something simple,yet drawing from my emotion at the time.Second: I was thinking about my name’s meaning.As many of you don’t know,my family name “Shinobu” means “Endure” and that is why I drew a character writing that on the wall.
“Endure” is the theme of this blog and I shall begin my musing.

The last 2 months have been trying times for me.From maintaining my personal relationships,job seekings,and just trying to figure out where I am headed with my career.It became a tad bit overwhelming,and I will be perfectly honest,I am not the strongest link in the chain,and I honestly felt like my life was ending.I felt beat up,down and out.It was a very depressing time.So,I struggled much with just getting out of bed and just being alive.
I finally got sick,literally,i became ill with stress and worry and I was mentally and emotionally exhausted.I just shut my brain off and just keep moving.I shut off the bad thoughts of failure,regrets,and self doubt,and I just keep moving my feet forward.I became serious in searching for a job and I tried to see the positive in everything.
Many job rejections and lots of negative,i could have easily stopped,but I kept going.Then the month of May came and my endless searching and pain paid off.I finally got accepted for a job!Although,I do have already a job,but I needed a second one to have extra money to do more things that I feel is important.The pay isn’t much.but it’s enough to help out.So I am happy that I did not quit.

The point of that short story of me failing a million times,until I finally got it right is; Never give up.Even when the world seems unfair and fate is against you,never lie down and admit defeat.Endure!Endure the bad times,walk life with a determined heart and willful eyes.Endure the figurative rain and keep fighting until you find your golden sunlight.Life has so many opportunities,but its up to us to take advantage.
Do your best
Never settle for less
And never let anyone tell you that you can’t have dreams in reality
Without dreams,life would be meaningless.

Ganbatte yo!
Until next time
Odaiji ni!

Kusuri

I am still not sure how I should go about updating this blog.Maybe daily?Every other day?weekly?Bi-weekly?I have not the slightest clue.but,I do know one thing….I am beginning to enjoy blogging again!
So,here we goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Team京

Lately,I have been really stressed about many things and it seems as if the tides aren’t turning anytime soon.That fact lead me to an idea for an entry today.
As you can see in the picture above.It’s a drawing I did awhile ago and I want it to be the focus of this topic.
The reasoning for that is that,it may only seem like a simple bad drawing,but its much more than that.In fact,that drawing represent an emotion I was feeling when I conceived it.

Misunderstood.
that was the initial emotion I was feeling when my hands composed that drawing.Not only was I just sketching to kill time,i was sketching with emotion.It’s a habit I picked up during my depressed teen years.During those times,i felt I had no outlet to express myself or how I was feeling.Introverted was my lifestyle,shyness was my overall armour to society,and mute was my sound of choice.I didn’t know how to handle attention,how to fit in,or how to explain how I felt.I was always nervous,but wanted help,wanted to speak but my mouth wouldn’t produce the sounds necessary to communicate,and my body wouldn’t allow me to approach others.I was stuck!
I started watching anime at a very young age,i got into manga,and I was fascinated with how the author/artist conveyed his/her story not only through the words,but by the characters needed to form his/her universe.
I picked up a pencil and started sketching and what came out was weird little characters that always had a frown or shooting some form of spirit energy from their hands.
Rage!
I was angry at myself for not being able to do things like normal kids and people,to talk normal,act normal,and it all came out in the form of my weird little frowning characters.

Drawing was and still is my way to cope with life.When I feel a certain way that I can not explain.I pick up a notebook,random sheet of paper,or just any blank canvas and I just let my emotions flow unto my hands and release on the paper.
That drawing above is a representation of my feeling misunderstood and that only my art can truly understand how I feel and how I am.That character in the mask with blues eyes represents me and he wears his art on every foreseeable part of his body.Hair,body,clothing,etc.My art is me and it’s my emotion.It’s my escape when I feel closed in,trapped,lost….drawing saves me from letting go of humanity and hope.
Drawing is my medicine.

Even while writing this entry,i have an open notebook and I’m sketching my feeling of being confused.Hehehehe.
I guess this is one habit I won’t ever heal from ne.
Until Next Entry
Odaiji Ni yo!