This is usually the part where I begin yelling some statement to prove my impending excitement towards something,but not today.Maybe not any day as of late.I don’t know why but I am really not excited about anything nor am I really looking forward to anything.It feels like I am living my mid-20s again where I was trained to not expect anything good or anything worthwhile to happen for me lol.The funny thing about this time is,I am going to Mexico for sure next month,I seriously have an amazing job,and my stars seem to be aligning lately,but why am I sitting here in bed and really resigning myself to already having a lackluster day?It’s a shame,because I have much to look forward to.
My hope is that this is just a temporary mood after finally finding my way out of depression.Whatever it may be,I hope it ends soon,so I won’t want to sleep all day yo!Lets begin my rejuvenation! Anyways,back to sleep lol.
Thank you for reading
Another late night post,another flood of thoughts coming to my mind.
There is this feeling inside that I can’t simply rid myself of,no matter how much I falsely smile to make others be at ease or how I verbally say “I’m fine”,I am not oke,but I have to pretend to be for the sake of others.It’s the way it’s always been.
One aspect of my life I am not shy to hide is the fact that i do suffer from depression in a great amount.The main proponent of my depression is my father’s passing.I do have a mother and other siblings but my father was the one that i could run to when things seemed heavy or i was being a brat.Mind you that I was only 14 when he died,so my struggles became all the more unbearable as I’ve aged and I couldn’t fall back on the other arms in my life.Alot are unwilling if not annoyed to always catch you when you fall.
I don’t know what my problem is recently,but I feel the need and desire have someone to fall in to.It’s selfish because if you overload someone with your issues and an overbearing/dramatic actions,you ultimately drive them away.I learned that the hard way this week.
I guess with my health the way it is and just being stressed,I feel very alone and I just want to be with people or anyone that will comfort me in their arms.It’s a selfish feeling because everyone is going through something and the last thing anyone want is to haul around someone else’s baggage.
I woke up from my nap with a sense of clarity;I don’t need anyone.I have been fine on my own thus far and I shall be ne.So to my friends,Mari,and anyone else,Im sorry for placing my weight on you.It was selfish and it will never take place again.My feelings are best bottled up,swallowed,and i be reborn with a fierce fire for life.
I will always offer my help to anyone that needs it,but please,let me walk on my own.Thank you
it’s been a long hour since I last updated this blog.My apologies.Life happens and you just happen to tread along the path it constructs.But enough that.I just want to empty my mind today.
Have you ever had the feeling of a giant?Not in the sense of height nor being such a towering body to behold.I am referring to the feeling of feeling like you are in such a great mood,a high if you would,and there is absolutely nothing that could shake you down from that feeling?
Well,long ago I had that feeling and I must say,what a mighty long fall it has been since that time ago.
I mean,I used to feel invincible,confident,unrelenting,and just overall happy.I was a modern day giant amongst my angst-ridden peers.I was that guy who felt he could “high 5” the sun and expect no burns.I even had the most absurd catchphrase whenever someone asked if I had doubts about myself.I would tell that person, “I will pierce the stars!”
Fast forward to today,and the only feeling of such high that remains is the fall from such a high place.A fall that isn’t one aiming to quickly burn you out and crash you back to reality,no.It’s the type of fall that is reflective in nature and forgiving of your cockiness,but lets it be known that no light shines bright forever.
For the longest of time while living my daily life and taking the mood-induced fall,I ask myself,”Why do we even have a word as ‘forever’?”.It’s bullshit at best and false way to convince not your audience,but your fleeing ego that you can try without much certainty.
I realised that there is much I want but can never possibly obtain,yet I yank the chain of fate hoping that I can alter the course of time and have my way.Silly man!Things aren’t that simply anymore.You learn defeat is a way of improvement and learn to understand that “pain” is the most influential drug you can never become sober of.
Why do I know or think like this?It’s because I used to be a giant.