Help Wanted

HELP ME PLEASE!!Hold on!Let me explain first!

So,voy a Guadalajara en diciembre(I’m going to Guadalajara in December)for what was supposed to be a romantic vacation,but a change of plans occurred so now it’s just me traveling as a student.Hahaha.Although I am not a very smart student,but I do value other cultures outside of Japanese(my native culture),so I plan to bathe in the Mexican culture on this trip.
I have been planning this trip since the beginning of this year and I refuse to back down no matter what!So with that in mind,I have bought at least 5 Spanish books to equip myself to communicate with the people of Mexico.My real reason was to become good enough to confess my feelings to a special person in her own tongue(LOL)and thank her Mother for being most kind to me and for hosting me.I will admit that I have a pretty good grip on the basic sentence structures and grammar functions,due to my learning English at a very young age.All in all,it’s pretty to grasp and the phonetics isn’t too different from Japanese,so I just need to have more confidence!
So,you may be asking yourselves,”Why the ‘Help wanted’ title then?!”.Well,I do understand the basics,but having a fluent speaker to practice with makes a world’s difference in language progression.Having a teacher in elementary level educations aided in our mastering our own languages,so the same logic can be applied to learning outside languages ne?

I am not entirely serious,but I am not saying “NO!” to any help offered.I am not truly posting an AD that will pay you for your time and services,but I would appreciate anyone if they decided to help this foreign baka from the kindness of their heart(s)lol.
So if anyone would like to help,you can contact me at a few places(ONLY IF YOU CHOOSE TO!!)
I can be reach on:

TWITTER
INSTAGRAM

Email – kyosukeshinobu@yahoo.com
FACEBOOK – search for “Kyosuke Shinobu” im the only one πŸ˜‰

Thank you for reading!

Β 

Advertisements

Days: Part 2

IM STILL ALIVE!!MWAHAHAHAHA….
To be honest,I’m not sure how,though.I didn’t sleep no longer than 7 minutes in the span of 6 days and I didn’t (couldn’t) eat within that timeframe because my appetite was nonexistent.I know some will say, “Well you have to make yourself eat” and while I appreciate your encouragement,my body doesn’t work that way.If I force feed myself during a period in which my hunger literally gone,I will become sick.I am currently ill and I am not kidding when I say that I feel like I was buried alive underneath hot rocks.Long story short,Im in the hospital and I feel like I am close to death.lol

Yes,I am indeed a patient in the hospital due to my “extreme condition” and i am under sedatives so i literally feel and think nothing now that I am here.Maybe the nurses are trying to reset my memory and reprogram me to be “normal”!!That is a bit of a reach,but who really knows people true intentions these days ne?
The sedatives are supposed to help me relax and calm my emotional distress but it really doesn’t seem to be working.Everyday I think about a day or words that were said that cracks more of my confidence and trust in others and anything.I still haven’t been able to eat solid foods so I am getting fed apple sauce!!YESSSSS!At least that’s one positive!

I had my friend Megumi bring me my Spanish books because I refuse to let all my hard work and dedication go to waste!So I study at least 5 hours a day and the nurses hate me for it!lol.I never play by the rules yo!
I don’t know,it’s proving difficult to fake smiles or hide my unhappiness now.I was really good at that,but all it takes is an event that makes you realize that you weren’t truly good enough.I guess the truth hurts ne?Well bring on more pain because it’s all I ever feel now.hahaha…
It’s almost 4am and guess who can’t sleep again!?THIS BAKA!!

Thank you for reading
Take care!

Days

“Float all over the world just to see her again, and I won’t show or feel any pain
Even though all my armor might rust in the rain”
Those are lyrics to the song: “Up with the birds” by “Coldplay”.I don’t understand why song lyrics are popping out and relating to my pathetic situation now!!It’s quite funny though.That set lyrics describe a situation that i find myself in and I’m preparing my “armour” to definitely rust in the rain when i get there.lol.Cheers to spending New Years alone,kanpai yo!I’m screwed lol.

Happy September,everyone!
My father had a philosophy for new months.He believed that if you start the first day of the month with a smile,dancing soul,and giving heart,the month would be generous to you.I followed that my entire life,but this month….I realized that I haven’t slept in 4 days,been bawling my eyes out,and just disconnected from everyone and everything.Sorry dad,I suck this month.
Back to the subject of sleep,I slept a grand total of 6 minutes in the last 4 days yo!I know this because it happened earlier this morning because I had a dream that The lady I like,myself,and my mom(i don’t know why she was there) were talking outside a grocery store about our situation and the lady I like was going to explain something important to me,but my mother pulled me away.All I could remember was the lady’s sad face.It’s haunting.I really hope you aren’t really wearing a frown.Please SMILE!Let me take all of this yo!
Point is….I’m mentally,physically,and emotionally exhausted,therefore I am a zombie!

I will keep my mind busy by studying Spanish.That’s right,Japanese Kyo will soon morph into Mexican Kyou!!lol.Wish me luck.

Thank you for reading

待ってる

Have you ever found yourself staring at the phone every 5 seconds or just verbally encouraging it to receive a message from someone?Wait no!?Just me!?Yikes!!Hahaha…Well I’m nuts!What can I say!?

I am currently in a relationship with the most wonderful woman in the world,but I can sense she is tired of me.I get it,I’m cho(super) annoying!I admit that,but it’s her fault for spoiling me so!I guess my dilemma is that I need to back off but It’s difficult as heck!Gotta do what’s necessary to stay in her good graces ne?I’m hopeless…..

Thanks for reading!
Until next time,Ja ne!

Carry

Another late night post,another flood of thoughts coming to my mind.
There is this feeling inside that I can’t simply rid myself of,no matter how much I falsely smile to make others be at ease or how I verbally say “I’m fine”,I am not oke,but I have to pretend to be for the sake of others.It’s the way it’s always been.

One aspect of my life I am not shy to hide is the fact that i do suffer from depression in a great amount.The main proponent of my depression is my father’s passing.I do have a mother and other siblings but my father was the one that i could run to when things seemed heavy or i was being a brat.Mind you that I was only 14 when he died,so my struggles became all the more unbearable as I’ve aged and I couldn’t fall back on the other arms in my life.Alot are unwilling if not annoyed to always catch you when you fall.

I don’t know what my problem is recently,but I feel the need and desire have someone to fall in to.It’s selfish because if you overload someone with your issues and an overbearing/dramatic actions,you ultimately drive them away.I learned that the hard way this week.
I guess with my health the way it is and just being stressed,I feel very alone and I just want to be with people or anyone that will comfort me in their arms.It’s a selfish feeling because everyone is going through something and the last thing anyone want is to haul around someone else’s baggage.

I woke up from my nap with a sense of clarity;I don’t need anyone.I have been fine on my own thus far and I shall be ne.So to my friends,Mari,and anyone else,Im sorry for placing my weight on you.It was selfish and it will never take place again.My feelings are best bottled up,swallowed,and i be reborn with a fierce fire for life.
I will always offer my help to anyone that needs it,but please,let me walk on my own.Thank you

Until next time,Thank you for reading

FlatLine

Something I always wanted to talk about,but really can’t because it is a sensitive/taboo subject for alot of people.I can’t be bothered by who is uncomfortable or offended by my topics,because I have something to get off my mind and I want to shout it:

I AM SUICIDAL!!

It’s not to say that every second of my waking life I prefer to be dead or thinking of the million of ways I can put an end to the inner struggles.Lately,I find it acceptable to be dead or the idea of my death doesn’t bring me sadness but kind of a sigh of relief and a comment of “Wouldn’t that be nice?”.
I suffer from severe depression and it’s something I have battled since I was 14 and even in my adulthood there exist the days in which I honestly feel so heavy as if I’m being held down and drowned by all my insecurities,fears,failures,what-ifs,and rejections to the world’s norm.I don’t know how well medication works,but I have always opted not to go down that path because I always hear side-effects will provoke suicidal thoughts(as if I need more of those ne?),so I developed a temporary treatment of sorts for myself.I do aroma therapy with scented incense sticks,play my favourite types of music,and just sketch what is in my heart at the moment.If I can keep my senses busy,there isn’t enough time and space to give my suicidal thoughts an opportunity to conceive itself in vast quantities.
People that doesn’t understand what it’s like to live everyday looking down the proverbial barrel of gun,waiting to blow your brains out with the mental disease that is depression.The hollow feeling you have in the pit of your stomach every single second,the constant worrying that something,if not everything can go wrong because you are fucked up in some capacity,feeling like you are alone in world of million souls but any sort of attempt to socialize leads to rejection on an epic scale(to the depressed mind).It’s crippling in every sensible aspect of the human construct.

I work 2 jobs that I absolutely despise,but I can’t afford to laze around,because the income keeps me afloat,I’m starting a third job at Narita airport next week and I know little to nothing about planes and their functions lol.I also have a relationship that is ongoing,social pressure is always evident in my life,and I am just simply not happy at all in my life.Not a single drop lately and I have honestly wished that i was hit by a car again and placed into a coma again( a much longer one).
Last night,I got into a fight with a jerk that was abusing his friend(a woman) and that was the first time in over 10 years that I engaged in a physical fight.I went home feeling empty and emotionless,and I remember feeling like I have no hope in anyone at all anymore.Like,I’m walking upside a steep mountain without a harness or any safety equipment;me against the world is my mind state lately.I feel alone,empty,cold,and just sick of it all.
I haven’t slept in 2 solid days and last night,I sat awake and seriously thought about drowning,slitting of the wrist,alcohol poisoning,overdosing on medication,etc.It was the first time in so long that i contemplated so heavily how to put the story of Kyo to rest for good.I have no answer for what my mind is going through now,because I feel worn out and buried currently.
If I am completely honest,I am really scared now lol.

Well I just wanted to get that off my chest in the hopes that “talking about it” would help.My verdict: I still feel terrible,but I will continue to fight this demon to try to find a place I belong among the living.
If you ever feel like you are alone,reach out to someone,I’m even available to share my experiences and stories and to try to give some guidance if I can.Just never stop fighting.Life is worth living;underneath all this bullshit is a spot with your name on it and your reason to value your life!

It’s kinda ironic that the song playing as I bring this entry to a close is “Failure” by Breaking Benjamin.lol.Sweet

γ‚γ‚ŠγŒγ¨γ†οΌ

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!

I’ve never been one for statistics or worrying about the popular vote,but somehow I’ve managed to amass 52 followers to this train-wreck of a blog of mine!I don’t know how or why,but I am extremely grateful that you all took time out of your lives to read my nonsense and choose to follow my writing.Words are beyond me now because I don’t feel accomplished nor am I doing this for any popularity,I write on this blog because I have so much to say and truth be told,talking to myself is becoming a little bit strange ne lol.I feel a great sense of happiness and gratefulness for the people that take a quick glance at my writing and stick through it and some even hit the “like” button.That always make me crack a silly little smile,which is rare because I am not a smiling type,but you guys have done it!

This place is like a safe haven for me when my emotions become to heavy to carry anymore,I let out my screams and laughter here and it’s conveyed in long post or short ones;what you read is the true me with no filter or political correctness.This is me and my life laid bare.I haven’t been in a happy mood for awhile now and my writing as of late reflects that and that is why I will never filter or fake what I feel here.You will get Emo Kyo lol!
Because of you all,I feel a sense of happiness and I am thankful for each and everyone of you.From my heart,Thank you so much for taking this journey with me.I hope you guys will accompany me as i embark on more yo!

Until next time,Thank you all so much for reading!

Shinobu Kyosuke

Soledad y felicidad

There is something quite humbling about walking underneath the darkening evening skies of Tokyo after a long day of work.
For 32 years I have walked this atmosphere and for each day,the experience is still an enlightening moment.So sincere and calming,yet loud in silence and vivid in provoking thoughts.

I had my usual busy day today,working an 8-9 hour shift,and I went to this mexican restaurant named: Guzman y Gomez in Shibuya.I am glad i did because I had an amazing lunch and one of the workers recommended me a dish and i had tears of joy from every bite yo!Hahaha!I like to randomly surprise myself every now and then.
As my day comes to end,I can’t help but feel somewhat empty.No I am not sad,but it’s a form of loneliness that isn’t painful nor tear invoking,It’s just I return to my little apartment and I find myself talking to my echo vibrating off the walls.Am I going insane?Has my mental capacity broken down?Or am I missing someone?It’s more so that I am missing someone very much but I must be mindful that she is also most busy in her life currently.She is working so hard and she is succeeding at a phenomenal rate!I couldn’t be more proud.Maybe I am selfish,but that person makes me so happy when I see her face or hear her voice,so is my loneliness justified?I don’t know,But what I do know is that i miss you,Mari

I am happy whilst in my loneliness,but I’m still yearning nonetheless.
As long as she keeps giving it her all,I’ll look to these wonderful skies and convey my heart to her through the traveling winds!

Review

Good afternoon my long deserted blog!!
I have some time so im just going to do a quick review

I am officially 31 years of age.I am steadily growing old by a landslide!!Some say that I should embrace my advancing age because wisdom comes with age.lol.Not sure about that one.I feel weaker in the brain more than before.

I spent a month and a half in America and maaaaan was it a strange experience!lol.

Most importantly: Im learning Spanish!!Im progressing rapidly and in no time,I’ll be able to bully my gf in her native language!!Wish me luck!^.^v

Restart

Hello my dear lonely blog.Did you miss me?Awww.lol

I will be back to blogging most soon.I apologize for the delay.Forgive me.
I have some fairly exciting news…..I will start my first day at my SECOND job tomorrow!!!Yoshi!Nothing to be happy for.I’ll just be a salesman yo!Wahahaha

That is all I have for now.But i do promise that my next entries won’t be so short and vague.
Until next post
Stay happy and healthy
Ja ne yo!