Candlelight

What is grief?
Why does it crush you like glass?
Why does it shatter the trust in reality?
These are the questions I wrestle with everyday since last month.As I mentioned in previous post,I lost someone very important to me and it’s not just something I can get over in a matter of weeks,because I grew up and was able to have a life because of that person.Losing someone of such of a very important caliber not only breaks your heart,but it breaks your spirit.My spirit is broken,although I look ahead to a future with someone,I can not stop looking back,because that person in my past molded who I am today.It’s really difficult to continue to pretend that I am well and things are getting better,when in fact they aren’t.I joke with myself that I aged 7 years since that day and its true.I look and feel terrible.Its time to take action.

I signed up to join a support group.I guess I really need to talk about how I feel and why I am so scared to continue living after all of this.I can give a bit of insight into one of my biggest fears and its standing right in front of me with a big grin on it’s face.I am terrified of a reality in which I die completely alone and so far,that reality is looking more realistic.I lost my parents,my inspiration,my friends,and I live in a place where I don’t feel like belong anymore.I truly feel a deep loneliness that I have never felt in my life.I am just hoping that by joining this group,I can open up about my feelings and empty everything before I start anew.I want to start over and look towards the world with endless outlook.Until then,I’ll keep fighting for my new future.

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セール!Sale!

BOYFRIEND FOR SALE!!!
He isn’t the brightest bulb in the lamp,but he will do whatever to bring a smile to your face.He can dance,sing(don’t encourage it),cook(20+ years of experience),laundry is no problem for this lad,and if you can’t speak Japanese,no biggie,he will learn your native tongue (wink wink) lol,but he will seriously learn your language just so he can tell you how much he loves you in words you are familiar with.

Seriously though,this drawing came about after I got dumped not too long ago.Yes,if none of you couldn’t tell by my hyper-emo post for a month and a half,I was suffering from heartache lol.I’m doing much better now,so don’t worry.I can joke about it and my friends seem to get a kick out of it.My best friend,Akira actually inspired this idea.She was like “you get dumped so much,you will need a sign attached to you to find a suitable girlfriend/owner that is willing to love you”,and that’s when i got this idea lol.So yeah,boyfriend for sale.

Necesito Tu Ayuda

おはよう,Blog!
I think I’ve stated this before,but I’ll say it again just in case.I am studying Español!!Yes,I am learning Spanish and I am having a grand time with it!I don’t quite understand it myself,but I am happy when I learn something new from Spanish,even though my reason for mastery of the language has changed,I have gained a new purpose for it.My purpose now is to master the language in order to open the door to new bonds with an even larger number of people where a language barrier would have existed.NOT ANYMORE YO!!Kyo is coming with a new found power in the form of a Spanish tongue!

My question is: Where/what are some online Spanish learning sites I could use to gain friends who would want to help me with my learning?Is there anyone reading this post willing to exchange contact info with the purpose of helping gain confidence in my sentence structuring and speaking?lol….I know I am asking alot,but I am seriously pumped to become fluent in Spanish.
Thank you for everything!

Hablar

Quick post before I take my mini nap.
So I have a new idea I want to try on my blog and it’s quite nerve-wrecking to me!My anxiety levels are off the meters due to this idea,but it’s something I have been interested in doing for quite some time now.
I want to start recording my voice and uploading the clips here,opposed to typing out long blog post.Instead of having to read through almost one thousand words,you can listen to my poor English navigate you through the tales from my life.Hahaha.Although every post won’t feature my voice,but the more important ones will,or the ones I feel have deep value to me will be the spoken ones.I just don’t know how to upload my voice files here or if there’s a plugin that would make it so much easier to add such files to my blog and have them playable.
Anyways,if anyone knows of any plugins that would aid in my idea,your comments are more than welcome and I will personally thank you for your time and efforts yo!
So yeah,Look forward to hearing my Engrish invading your ears with nonsense soon!

Stranger Things

No this isn’t a post about the wildly popular Netfilx series,because I don’t have Netfilx anymore to review it,all thanks to that bullet to the heart American adaptation of “Death Note”
This post is about my last 2 months,which has for a lack-of-a-better-term been a bunch of strange events.I went from a super clingy(me) relationship with such a sweetheart,to running her away(UNBLOCK ME BAKA!!),and surprisingly,I wasn’t too distraught that I’d gone without sleep for so long that I’d walk into a car,get hit,and end up in a coma for a month lol.I guess it isn’t all too bad ne?
I’ve also went from working at Narita airport,as an internet technician,a store clerk,and translator to scoring the job of my absolute dreams yo!I literally busted my nonexistent hump at 4 places simultaneously to scoring the only one that I needed/wanted!Also,my break up with the sweetheart gave birth to 2(in my opinion) fantastic short stories that I want to start working on.One is a gross romantic story and the other is about finding strength and purpose during depression.More on that later though.

The strangest thing has to go to this woman i was “seeing” (not really) for the last 4 days.So my best friend/ex girlfriend,Asaki gave me the idea awhile ago to just go on dates without expectations and that will distract me from the one I was/still kinda focused on.I told my friends about it just to make small talk and to let them know that my will to live is still there….somewhere lol.So they took the idea,ran with it,and out came a woman I will refer to as A.H,convenient because she was a total asshole,but seriously those are her initials.Anyways,We started talking on LINE for hours a day,my mind is still stuck on the past sweetheart,can’t help it,so I am literally going into this thing only for friendship.No more than friends,no lets grab food on the weekends,and no sex.Back to the hours on LINE part; the majority of the time was spent with her literally talking about herself,her sob stories,and anything I had to add wasn’t relevant enough for her to even touch upon.She was one of those people that love to hear herself speak.So it all accumulated into a lunch date at a ramen shop,my treat.We sat down,ordered food,and as soon as the waitress left,A.H talked nonstop from the moment we ordered til the time food arrived.I think the only words I spoke in that timeframe was: “Yes we are ready to order” lol.
Here’s the kicker,as soon as we finished eating and I was about to add to the conversation,she got up,said: “Thanks for the meal”,left my table,proceeded to sit with another guy,and hug up with him!I was cho confused by the turn of events,that I just stared off into the distance for awhile and somehow manifested a Kyari Pamyu Pamyu song in my head.THAT’S how flabbergasted I was yo!lol.She totally reminded me of someone I dated long ago!
Stranger Things indeed ne

Thanks for reading

Help Wanted

HELP ME PLEASE!!Hold on!Let me explain first!

So,voy a Guadalajara en diciembre(I’m going to Guadalajara in December)for what was supposed to be a romantic vacation,but a change of plans occurred so now it’s just me traveling as a student.Hahaha.Although I am not a very smart student,but I do value other cultures outside of Japanese(my native culture),so I plan to bathe in the Mexican culture on this trip.
I have been planning this trip since the beginning of this year and I refuse to back down no matter what!So with that in mind,I have bought at least 5 Spanish books to equip myself to communicate with the people of Mexico.My real reason was to become good enough to confess my feelings to a special person in her own tongue(LOL)and thank her Mother for being most kind to me and for hosting me.I will admit that I have a pretty good grip on the basic sentence structures and grammar functions,due to my learning English at a very young age.All in all,it’s pretty to grasp and the phonetics isn’t too different from Japanese,so I just need to have more confidence!
So,you may be asking yourselves,”Why the ‘Help wanted’ title then?!”.Well,I do understand the basics,but having a fluent speaker to practice with makes a world’s difference in language progression.Having a teacher in elementary level educations aided in our mastering our own languages,so the same logic can be applied to learning outside languages ne?

I am not entirely serious,but I am not saying “NO!” to any help offered.I am not truly posting an AD that will pay you for your time and services,but I would appreciate anyone if they decided to help this foreign baka from the kindness of their heart(s)lol.
So if anyone would like to help,you can contact me at a few places(ONLY IF YOU CHOOSE TO!!)
I can be reach on:

TWITTER
INSTAGRAM

Email – kyosukeshinobu@yahoo.com
FACEBOOK – search for “Kyosuke Shinobu” im the only one 😉

Thank you for reading!

 

Days: Part 2

IM STILL ALIVE!!MWAHAHAHAHA….
To be honest,I’m not sure how,though.I didn’t sleep no longer than 7 minutes in the span of 6 days and I didn’t (couldn’t) eat within that timeframe because my appetite was nonexistent.I know some will say, “Well you have to make yourself eat” and while I appreciate your encouragement,my body doesn’t work that way.If I force feed myself during a period in which my hunger literally gone,I will become sick.I am currently ill and I am not kidding when I say that I feel like I was buried alive underneath hot rocks.Long story short,Im in the hospital and I feel like I am close to death.lol

Yes,I am indeed a patient in the hospital due to my “extreme condition” and i am under sedatives so i literally feel and think nothing now that I am here.Maybe the nurses are trying to reset my memory and reprogram me to be “normal”!!That is a bit of a reach,but who really knows people true intentions these days ne?
The sedatives are supposed to help me relax and calm my emotional distress but it really doesn’t seem to be working.Everyday I think about a day or words that were said that cracks more of my confidence and trust in others and anything.I still haven’t been able to eat solid foods so I am getting fed apple sauce!!YESSSSS!At least that’s one positive!

I had my friend Megumi bring me my Spanish books because I refuse to let all my hard work and dedication go to waste!So I study at least 5 hours a day and the nurses hate me for it!lol.I never play by the rules yo!
I don’t know,it’s proving difficult to fake smiles or hide my unhappiness now.I was really good at that,but all it takes is an event that makes you realize that you weren’t truly good enough.I guess the truth hurts ne?Well bring on more pain because it’s all I ever feel now.hahaha…
It’s almost 4am and guess who can’t sleep again!?THIS BAKA!!

Thank you for reading
Take care!

Days

“Float all over the world just to see her again, and I won’t show or feel any pain
Even though all my armor might rust in the rain”
Those are lyrics to the song: “Up with the birds” by “Coldplay”.I don’t understand why song lyrics are popping out and relating to my pathetic situation now!!It’s quite funny though.That set lyrics describe a situation that i find myself in and I’m preparing my “armour” to definitely rust in the rain when i get there.lol.Cheers to spending New Years alone,kanpai yo!I’m screwed lol.

Happy September,everyone!
My father had a philosophy for new months.He believed that if you start the first day of the month with a smile,dancing soul,and giving heart,the month would be generous to you.I followed that my entire life,but this month….I realized that I haven’t slept in 4 days,been bawling my eyes out,and just disconnected from everyone and everything.Sorry dad,I suck this month.
Back to the subject of sleep,I slept a grand total of 6 minutes in the last 4 days yo!I know this because it happened earlier this morning because I had a dream that The lady I like,myself,and my mom(i don’t know why she was there) were talking outside a grocery store about our situation and the lady I like was going to explain something important to me,but my mother pulled me away.All I could remember was the lady’s sad face.It’s haunting.I really hope you aren’t really wearing a frown.Please SMILE!Let me take all of this yo!
Point is….I’m mentally,physically,and emotionally exhausted,therefore I am a zombie!

I will keep my mind busy by studying Spanish.That’s right,Japanese Kyo will soon morph into Mexican Kyou!!lol.Wish me luck.

Thank you for reading

待ってる

Have you ever found yourself staring at the phone every 5 seconds or just verbally encouraging it to receive a message from someone?Wait no!?Just me!?Yikes!!Hahaha…Well I’m nuts!What can I say!?

I am currently in a relationship with the most wonderful woman in the world,but I can sense she is tired of me.I get it,I’m cho(super) annoying!I admit that,but it’s her fault for spoiling me so!I guess my dilemma is that I need to back off but It’s difficult as heck!Gotta do what’s necessary to stay in her good graces ne?I’m hopeless…..

Thanks for reading!
Until next time,Ja ne!

Carry

Another late night post,another flood of thoughts coming to my mind.
There is this feeling inside that I can’t simply rid myself of,no matter how much I falsely smile to make others be at ease or how I verbally say “I’m fine”,I am not oke,but I have to pretend to be for the sake of others.It’s the way it’s always been.

One aspect of my life I am not shy to hide is the fact that i do suffer from depression in a great amount.The main proponent of my depression is my father’s passing.I do have a mother and other siblings but my father was the one that i could run to when things seemed heavy or i was being a brat.Mind you that I was only 14 when he died,so my struggles became all the more unbearable as I’ve aged and I couldn’t fall back on the other arms in my life.Alot are unwilling if not annoyed to always catch you when you fall.

I don’t know what my problem is recently,but I feel the need and desire have someone to fall in to.It’s selfish because if you overload someone with your issues and an overbearing/dramatic actions,you ultimately drive them away.I learned that the hard way this week.
I guess with my health the way it is and just being stressed,I feel very alone and I just want to be with people or anyone that will comfort me in their arms.It’s a selfish feeling because everyone is going through something and the last thing anyone want is to haul around someone else’s baggage.

I woke up from my nap with a sense of clarity;I don’t need anyone.I have been fine on my own thus far and I shall be ne.So to my friends,Mari,and anyone else,Im sorry for placing my weight on you.It was selfish and it will never take place again.My feelings are best bottled up,swallowed,and i be reborn with a fierce fire for life.
I will always offer my help to anyone that needs it,but please,let me walk on my own.Thank you

Until next time,Thank you for reading