Carry

Another late night post,another flood of thoughts coming to my mind.
There is this feeling inside that I can’t simply rid myself of,no matter how much I falsely smile to make others be at ease or how I verbally say “I’m fine”,I am not oke,but I have to pretend to be for the sake of others.It’s the way it’s always been.

One aspect of my life I am not shy to hide is the fact that i do suffer from depression in a great amount.The main proponent of my depression is my father’s passing.I do have a mother and other siblings but my father was the one that i could run to when things seemed heavy or i was being a brat.Mind you that I was only 14 when he died,so my struggles became all the more unbearable as I’ve aged and I couldn’t fall back on the other arms in my life.Alot are unwilling if not annoyed to always catch you when you fall.

I don’t know what my problem is recently,but I feel the need and desire have someone to fall in to.It’s selfish because if you overload someone with your issues and an overbearing/dramatic actions,you ultimately drive them away.I learned that the hard way this week.
I guess with my health the way it is and just being stressed,I feel very alone and I just want to be with people or anyone that will comfort me in their arms.It’s a selfish feeling because everyone is going through something and the last thing anyone want is to haul around someone else’s baggage.

I woke up from my nap with a sense of clarity;I don’t need anyone.I have been fine on my own thus far and I shall be ne.So to my friends,Mari,and anyone else,Im sorry for placing my weight on you.It was selfish and it will never take place again.My feelings are best bottled up,swallowed,and i be reborn with a fierce fire for life.
I will always offer my help to anyone that needs it,but please,let me walk on my own.Thank you

Until next time,Thank you for reading

FlatLine

Something I always wanted to talk about,but really can’t because it is a sensitive/taboo subject for alot of people.I can’t be bothered by who is uncomfortable or offended by my topics,because I have something to get off my mind and I want to shout it:

I AM SUICIDAL!!

It’s not to say that every second of my waking life I prefer to be dead or thinking of the million of ways I can put an end to the inner struggles.Lately,I find it acceptable to be dead or the idea of my death doesn’t bring me sadness but kind of a sigh of relief and a comment of “Wouldn’t that be nice?”.
I suffer from severe depression and it’s something I have battled since I was 14 and even in my adulthood there exist the days in which I honestly feel so heavy as if I’m being held down and drowned by all my insecurities,fears,failures,what-ifs,and rejections to the world’s norm.I don’t know how well medication works,but I have always opted not to go down that path because I always hear side-effects will provoke suicidal thoughts(as if I need more of those ne?),so I developed a temporary treatment of sorts for myself.I do aroma therapy with scented incense sticks,play my favourite types of music,and just sketch what is in my heart at the moment.If I can keep my senses busy,there isn’t enough time and space to give my suicidal thoughts an opportunity to conceive itself in vast quantities.
People that doesn’t understand what it’s like to live everyday looking down the proverbial barrel of gun,waiting to blow your brains out with the mental disease that is depression.The hollow feeling you have in the pit of your stomach every single second,the constant worrying that something,if not everything can go wrong because you are fucked up in some capacity,feeling like you are alone in world of million souls but any sort of attempt to socialize leads to rejection on an epic scale(to the depressed mind).It’s crippling in every sensible aspect of the human construct.

I work 2 jobs that I absolutely despise,but I can’t afford to laze around,because the income keeps me afloat,I’m starting a third job at Narita airport next week and I know little to nothing about planes and their functions lol.I also have a relationship that is ongoing,social pressure is always evident in my life,and I am just simply not happy at all in my life.Not a single drop lately and I have honestly wished that i was hit by a car again and placed into a coma again( a much longer one).
Last night,I got into a fight with a jerk that was abusing his friend(a woman) and that was the first time in over 10 years that I engaged in a physical fight.I went home feeling empty and emotionless,and I remember feeling like I have no hope in anyone at all anymore.Like,I’m walking upside a steep mountain without a harness or any safety equipment;me against the world is my mind state lately.I feel alone,empty,cold,and just sick of it all.
I haven’t slept in 2 solid days and last night,I sat awake and seriously thought about drowning,slitting of the wrist,alcohol poisoning,overdosing on medication,etc.It was the first time in so long that i contemplated so heavily how to put the story of Kyo to rest for good.I have no answer for what my mind is going through now,because I feel worn out and buried currently.
If I am completely honest,I am really scared now lol.

Well I just wanted to get that off my chest in the hopes that “talking about it” would help.My verdict: I still feel terrible,but I will continue to fight this demon to try to find a place I belong among the living.
If you ever feel like you are alone,reach out to someone,I’m even available to share my experiences and stories and to try to give some guidance if I can.Just never stop fighting.Life is worth living;underneath all this bullshit is a spot with your name on it and your reason to value your life!

It’s kinda ironic that the song playing as I bring this entry to a close is “Failure” by Breaking Benjamin.lol.Sweet

ありがとう!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!

I’ve never been one for statistics or worrying about the popular vote,but somehow I’ve managed to amass 52 followers to this train-wreck of a blog of mine!I don’t know how or why,but I am extremely grateful that you all took time out of your lives to read my nonsense and choose to follow my writing.Words are beyond me now because I don’t feel accomplished nor am I doing this for any popularity,I write on this blog because I have so much to say and truth be told,talking to myself is becoming a little bit strange ne lol.I feel a great sense of happiness and gratefulness for the people that take a quick glance at my writing and stick through it and some even hit the “like” button.That always make me crack a silly little smile,which is rare because I am not a smiling type,but you guys have done it!

This place is like a safe haven for me when my emotions become to heavy to carry anymore,I let out my screams and laughter here and it’s conveyed in long post or short ones;what you read is the true me with no filter or political correctness.This is me and my life laid bare.I haven’t been in a happy mood for awhile now and my writing as of late reflects that and that is why I will never filter or fake what I feel here.You will get Emo Kyo lol!
Because of you all,I feel a sense of happiness and I am thankful for each and everyone of you.From my heart,Thank you so much for taking this journey with me.I hope you guys will accompany me as i embark on more yo!

Until next time,Thank you all so much for reading!

Shinobu Kyosuke

Soledad y felicidad

There is something quite humbling about walking underneath the darkening evening skies of Tokyo after a long day of work.
For 32 years I have walked this atmosphere and for each day,the experience is still an enlightening moment.So sincere and calming,yet loud in silence and vivid in provoking thoughts.

I had my usual busy day today,working an 8-9 hour shift,and I went to this mexican restaurant named: Guzman y Gomez in Shibuya.I am glad i did because I had an amazing lunch and one of the workers recommended me a dish and i had tears of joy from every bite yo!Hahaha!I like to randomly surprise myself every now and then.
As my day comes to end,I can’t help but feel somewhat empty.No I am not sad,but it’s a form of loneliness that isn’t painful nor tear invoking,It’s just I return to my little apartment and I find myself talking to my echo vibrating off the walls.Am I going insane?Has my mental capacity broken down?Or am I missing someone?It’s more so that I am missing someone very much but I must be mindful that she is also most busy in her life currently.She is working so hard and she is succeeding at a phenomenal rate!I couldn’t be more proud.Maybe I am selfish,but that person makes me so happy when I see her face or hear her voice,so is my loneliness justified?I don’t know,But what I do know is that i miss you,Mari

I am happy whilst in my loneliness,but I’m still yearning nonetheless.
As long as she keeps giving it her all,I’ll look to these wonderful skies and convey my heart to her through the traveling winds!

Review

Good afternoon my long deserted blog!!
I have some time so im just going to do a quick review

I am officially 31 years of age.I am steadily growing old by a landslide!!Some say that I should embrace my advancing age because wisdom comes with age.lol.Not sure about that one.I feel weaker in the brain more than before.

I spent a month and a half in America and maaaaan was it a strange experience!lol.

Most importantly: Im learning Spanish!!Im progressing rapidly and in no time,I’ll be able to bully my gf in her native language!!Wish me luck!^.^v

Restart

Hello my dear lonely blog.Did you miss me?Awww.lol

I will be back to blogging most soon.I apologize for the delay.Forgive me.
I have some fairly exciting news…..I will start my first day at my SECOND job tomorrow!!!Yoshi!Nothing to be happy for.I’ll just be a salesman yo!Wahahaha

That is all I have for now.But i do promise that my next entries won’t be so short and vague.
Until next post
Stay happy and healthy
Ja ne yo!

Keep Trying

Konnichiwa今日は everyone.
I hope you all are fairing much better than meよ!Haha.I am currently suffering from a predictable bout of the spring time allergies.Burning itchy thoat,watery itchy eyes,and the dreadful uncontrollable sneezingよ!Ugh!
Anyways,im not going to infect this post with banter about my allergies.So Ikuze!

I am a firm believer that everyone alive possesses some form of talent.Whether it is singing,dancing,acting,designing,speech,etc.We all possess some ability.As with every talented person,there are certain things that fires you upね?There are certain people we compete with as rivals because you feel you can compete on their level or above.I have an inspiration to why i want to get better at my craft.I’ll share a story.

The photo above is a drawing i did a few years ago for Panda’s birthday.Her Name is Eka,but she prefers Deb,but she’ll always be called my pandaよ!Hehehe.It’s a special reason and story behind that nickname.But i’ll save it for another time.
The reason why i chose this drawing out of my entire catalog of other works is due to the fact that this photo represents what i meant about a certain reason that makes you better than you usually are.
When i first met panda,we told each other our dreams and we supported each other.She wants to write a novel and i will say,she written a really good story that i hope get published soonよ!My dream is to be a mangaka(comic book artist/author).
For many years i have known her,she has been my biggest supporter.She would say “I can’t wait to see your manga in bookstore in Indonesia.”
That always made me smile and really work harderよ!A few years ago,I drew that photo for her birthday,because we have a tradition to always draw for each other,so i made it my goal to draw her something beyond my own ability.I drew that photo above for her birthday because i wanted to see her smile.
To this very day,that photo remains my best work.All because of panda.So i say to you panda,Thank you so very much for always being a great inspiration to meよ!

Whatever talents you all possess,find that reason to improve upon it and let us leave behind a beautiful creative worldよ!
Until next entry
Take care

Welcome To The Matrix

Matulog

SLEEP!!

Is where I been all of this time yo!Haahaha.Hello everyone.Well,I should say,Good early morning everyone.It’s about 7 minutes away from 4AM at the time of writing and I am dead tired and sick yo!Fever is kicking my ass all over this room.

Actually,I was struck by a car 3 months ago after walking home from work,buuuuut…I never made it home from work yo!hehe,I nearly had my soul knocked from my body yo!Maybe it did happen,because I actually was in a coma for 2 months (most of January and February).Bad news for my haters,I AM STILL ALIVE YO!!!MWAHAHAHAHAH!

Anywho,It’s been a crazy reality since I reopened my eyes,and I will tell you all why,but not into detail.
I actually woke up to bad news(that I totally caused) and with that,I hurt and disappointed two people that have known me for years.There is a reason they should hate my guts,but I do once again say,I am sorry.
Secondly,I befriended someone really cool,and sharp tongue baka.Hahahahah.She is my punching bag but a cool writer who is cho lazy.Maybe more lazier than me yo!
Lastly,A dear friend I feared would never return has came back and I am beyond words to describe my joy for that return yo!SPEECHLESS yo!

With that said,Welcome to the matrix,KYOSUKE!!lol.
I’ll be blogging more regularly now that my hands and coordination skills have returned yo!
Until next post,Take care everyone
Ja