Language of Love

What I am about to write is no laughing matter!…Maybe it is,but whatever.This entry is going to be EXTREMELY cheesy,so if you read through the entire post,prepare to cringe.

At my therapy session yesterday,the topic of “love” was brought up and my current relationship.Eida-san wanted to know how this love makes me feel,function,and how can I be certain that it’s not lust rather than love.Without hesitation,I informed her that I am absolutely certain with my whole heart that I am in love with this person.
I like to believe that my exposure to the rest of the world,mostly western cultures at a young age helped shaped me into a more progressive Japanese than the majority around me.I have a more laid-back perspective on alot if topics and issues that most Japanese would shy away from or ignore because it’s “too much”.With that said,I know what liking someone for pure lust is like and I know what loving someone feels like.What this person make me feel everyday is something I have never felt my entire life and this person isn’t really doing much to provoke it,but by her just being herself,it sends me to the moon and back.

One thing that solidifies my confidence in my love for her is: I am investing all of my time and effort into being able to speak fluent Spanish.Yes,you read that correctly.For the past 2 years,I have bought over 6 books to aid in my studies,listening to Mexican telenovela(dramas),becoming accustomed to the music,and using an app to test my skills of the language.Yes,I am doing my absolute best to learn Spanish not for her,but for the sake of communicating with her family someday.
I have been in plenty mixed relationship in which the language of choice wasn’t just Japanese or English,there have been many.The difference is,I never felt this strongly enough to go and chase the language nor have I had this logic attached.
When I grew close to her,my initial thought was to pick up Spanish so I could understand her and her culture better.Without hesitation,I started studying as if I was back in high school.The very first attempt at a Spanish phrase with her was “Buenas tardes(good afternoon)” and she mocked my pronunciation of the words and since then,my heart became set on her and my journey needed Spanish a part of it.

So is it love or lust?I am 10000000000% certain that it’s love because studying this language everyday without fail leaves me utterly brain dead at times lol.I don’t mind,because one day it will come in handy when I am able to communicate to her family that I plan to marry her and get their blessings.
If you are reading this,you know who you are,and I love you so much.Thank you for sticking with me.


Happy Anniversary,Trip

Today is a very special day for me.Today is the one year anniversary of my first ever visit to Mexico.It’s still amazing how time has gone by so fast and here we are,one year later.Wow!I don’t know what to even write about.It’s all still very fresh and vivid im my mind and heart.All the events and experiences.I will make this post simple and quick.

It all started with “buenas tardes”.I was on a call with my crush and she was trying to teach me how to say it two years ago.It was then that I knew that I wanted to visit Mexico to see her.I did and I don’t regret a single thing.
Approximately around this time last year,I shared my first kiss with my crush under a moonlit room.Not my literal first kiss,but definitely my favourite first kiss.It was a magical night and the great times continued throughout the next 14 days.
During the course of my stay,I’ve visited an anime shop,got yelled at by a crazy lady,I got hooked on Netflix,I FINALLY watched “Breaking Bad”,I had amazing foods,I went to the amazing Puerto Vallarta,and spent all of that time with one person who made it all extremely special.My experiences were absolutely life changing and are tattooed upon my heart.

Mexico has been probably the greatest random risk I’ve taken in all of my life.I fell in love with someone and a brand new place.I honestly never wanted to return to Tokyo lol.There is so much I want to say,but I am sick so I will save it for my other blogs.
My greatest takeaway from it all was meeting you.You know who you are and I am forever grateful for having met you.
Thank you for everything,M
Happy anniversary.

My Valentine

I don’t know who you are
I don’t know where you are
I don’t know why I feel this way
But there you are existing on my mind everyday.

I had a dream that we shared an intimate gaze inside a moonlit room.An unfamiliar sense of nervousness filled my body as we joked about something truly ridiculous.I felt genuinely amused by our laughter,yet there was this aura about you that was so breathtaking.My laughter soon became a serious silence.I moved closer and finally hugged you after all the time apart and you embraced me back.Our gaze met once more,our faces moving closer to one another,the room fell silent,the moonlight perfectly highlighting the intimate atmosphere,and as soon we begun to share our first kiss,my dream was over.

You’re always on my mind,yet I don’t know anything about you.Maybe I do,but I don’t want to offend you.What I know is that your heartbeat,your charming aura,and your beautiful presence will take me all over the world just to be able to look into your eyes.
There is a reason why every year around this time that I am always alone.It’s because you aren’t near and no one can ever have your place in my heart.

Para Ti

“Can you count all the stars?”
Sharing the same sky,yet the sun illuminates my path,whilst the moonlight guides you to rest.It wasn’t always this way,especially not a few months ago,but that time has come and gone.So far apart,finally united,and apart again.Such a cruel twist of fate ne?At least that’s how I felt from the moment of departure and how I currently feeling daily.
Simply trying to recapture those feelings alone isn’t easy and it’s torture,honestly.
I just want to get this out my head.Bear with me.

Not trying to be dramatic nor cheesy,but have you ever been around someone that makes you feel free?Someone that allows you to expose your flaws and still love you for who you are?Have you ever met someone who made you go the distance for them?I have and it was magical in every sense of the word.
As everyone knows me,I am one with my famous mask,but this person knows me without it and she was the only one I felt comfortable around without it.Yes,it’s a big deal for me.I was vulnerable and yet felt so safe,I was scared and yet so encouraged,and i was so uncertain,but she put it all to rest.For that,I truly thank you.

I know lately I have been entranced in my own world,clouded by guilt and sorrow;I forgot to tell you how much you mean to me.There were times when I felt like giving up,but If something is truly precious to you,you fight hard and endure for that precious reason.I am holding on and I am going to see you again.I will tell you soon enough how I feel and it will only be for your ears only.Forgive me for not saying it lately; I love you truly,my special someone.

異なる- Different

Rapid hearts racing eagerly towards a nervous collision.
I finally found you after so long apart
Your eyes swept me away into an oasis of nervous ecstasy
The words escaping your lips sung a melody of familiar tranquility
Your touch ignited my soul into a vibrant hue
I was changed

Walking underneath shared skies made life a tolerable quest.I was by your side,hand in hand,and laughing the daylight away.The midday breeze constantly reminded me that i was truly living the reality I foresaw 2 years ago.The nightfall was illuminated by the graceful moon,surrounding itself with it’s audience of stars.Dared I count them all,only to fail and be rewarded with sweet kiss to stamp the night.
My days were born anew

Since I’ve met you,my life hasn’t been the same and I always ask to nobody listening for a chance to go back and do it all same.Deaf ears were only present.
Soon,I shall be with you and we will create undeniable memories.


Sayonara Mexico

How far would you go…?
How much pain would you endure…?
How much would you change…?
Is it all worth it…?
…for someone

My friends and family all asked that question and I was unmoved in my answer that I would do anything,literally anything.I’m not even joking.Some of the things I did is cho embarrassing,but love makes you do things outside of your character.All for the sake of a smile that wasn’t your own ne?That logic can be applied to my wanting to travel to Mexico so eagerly,but why?There is literally nothing there for me and no one would be happy that I was there.What was my reason then and why did I want this so much?I was chasing something that was never there,but I have convinced myself that everything would be made to work if I just went.I am fool.
My best friend and someone I’ve dated for a long time asked me a serious question that made me see the light,so to speak.She asked me, “Is that person willing to change for you?”, and it hit me,no….it was just me alone,chasing a mirage that I should have ran from.I created a fictional situation and now my heart is in pieces.

With that said,I have decided that I am no longer going to Mexico.Disappointment,anxiety,stress,depression,and a false sense of assurance has defeated this stubborn fool.
I apologize to you all for wasting your time with my whining.Please take care always

Losing My Mind: Chapter 2

For the last 23 hours,I have decided that my trip to Guadalajara,Mexico is cancelled.Will it stay cancelled?I really don’t know,but at this point in time and with every little fear,insecurity,and lack of hope has me on the edge of collapse.I truly want to go and be the person of my word no matter the modifications that have made this process most discouraging.I guess if I am still feeling this way around this time next week,I’ll truly be home for the holidays in Tokyo lol.Like my pun there?No no,It wasn’t clever.I suck at those yo!

Let’s be honest here,I am heartbroken,I’m in pain,I’m sad,I’m being replaced,and I’m still hopeful.I lost someone that truly captured my attention more than anyone has before,someone I could talk to for hours on end about nothing that seemed cho important,and most importantly,I lost my best friend.Yes,I have a huge crush on someone who is fantastic in every way possible.She can talk and you immediately fall in love with her voice,she stares at you and you are lost in her beautiful brown eyes,her humour is so on point,and her presence make the darkest of times,the best of times.That’s my crush.I know,it’s funny that I got myself twisted into a pretzel just for a “crush”,but if you knew what I know,you would understand how addictive this person truly is.She was my little piece of heaven.
She is waaaaaaay out of my league,but I never gave up trying to win her attention.I am learning her mother tongue to try to impress her with my ability to speak on par with her beautiful voice and to prove that nothing is too difficult when she is the one I’m aiming for.I still suck at Spanish,but oi,I’ll get better and I’ll probably drop english for it yo!lol!
I worked literally 4 jobs simultaneously to fund a trip to her city so that I can confess my admiration of her and profess my love to her.To be able to hold both her hands in mine,look her in the eyes,and speak words that are true and that convey how she is worth everything no matter the hardship,she is worth fighting for.I guess that’s why this trip means so much to me,and it’s probably the scariest thing I have ever attempted in my life.

You will read that paragraph and go “If she is so special,why cancel???”
Well,When someone is unsure about you,but you are most certain of them,who gets hurt in the end?When you feel deeply about someone and they feel less about you,who grows a hole in their chest?When you extend your hand while falling in love,but the recipient turns and walks away,who do you think falls into a downward spiral of one sided painful emotions?That’s where I am currently residing lol.I am falling and I’m praying for the bottom,but it never comes.I’m stuck in a one sided love and it’s a tornado of misery,yet I am hopeful that love prevails.My heart is telling to keep fighting,but my mind is asking why am I going the distance for something that won’t move an inch towards you.I’m torn and that’s why I want to cancel this trip,but I also want to go.I just don’t know anything.I don’t talk to my crush at all anymore and I know she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore because she says so indirectly.I understand that.I am annoying.I just don’t know where my heart is going,but I do know is that I have a crush on someone that is making me lose my mind lol.So as of now,I’m not going to Mexico.

Thank you for reading

Separate Sky

October used to be a month that I looked forward to with such overflowing excitement,but now,I feel nothing but hollow and disappointment.It’s just kind of ironic that last year around this time,I was beginning a business trip in America and I was in a very depressing part of my life.I mean it was so pathetic that I literally caved in to the demands of a ghost.Hahaha.Quite funny ne?
Fast forward to present time and I am not doing any better.I’m over-thinking,I’m anxiously awaiting for a presence that doesn’t recognize me,I’m over-working,and overall I feel defeated.I have no one but myself to blame,because I caved in to a ghost.This time,the ghost was a situation that I mistaken for a mutual bond.Yes,I am quite dumb.

I am sitting outside at the edge of night and wondering what does your sky view look like.It’s a bit baffling that some point in time,our skies seemed to entwine but maybe it was an illusion created by my foolish,hopeful heart.To call you,to hear you,to see you,to share our tales….it was a wonderful time to stand underneath a shared sky,or so I selfishly thought.Without physical evidence,It was nothing more than whisper on the wind ne?Sigh….I was truly selfish and I can’t begin to make it up to you.I don’t know how.The only thing I can do is fade away without a trace.It’s simple.I never existed nor meant anything anyways.Is it disappointing?Sure but it’s nothing new.I have been molded by disappointment when my innocence was stolen at a very young age.I can’t even recall a year in which I haven’t suffered some type of scar.It created me,so I guess I am used to it.
Whether it is friendship or love,it all ends up the same.The actors may change but the ending is always spot on.”You’re a good friend,Kyo but……” Or “I do love you,but…..” Aaaaaaaaaand begin the nice ways of telling me to “fuck off” or dropping hints that my presence is a bother or whatever.All it does is make me feel like I am not good enough.Which I am not.I know that all too well now and there isn’t a lie in the world that can change how I feel.
So yeah….Kyosuke is not a real enough person to be acknowledged.At least that is what my years of trying to bond with others taught.But it’s alright.It truly is.
I just wish I wouldn’t expect people to be different or try to convince me that it will be different.No,you’re all the same but with different excuses.It’s life,and with this type of life,I have lost faith in people,I just try to smile so there will be no worries.

I am only angry with myself for wasting so many people’s time.To everyone,I am truly sorry for everything.
Well,I guess I did enough “Kyo bashing” so I will go have my shower and stare at the ceiling lol.I am truly on my own in a separate sky
Ja ne


“Where did you go?
Why did you run so far?”
The words I shout as I try to keep up on the broken path you left behind.Afraid to stop chasing you because my heart is afraid of losing your presence completely,but it seems that not even your shadow remains.
Stopping along the cracked and crumbling pathway,I fall to my knees from the weight of disappointment and sorrow.The realization that you are really gone and I can’t locate you like before burns away the rope of hope that I’ve held on to for so long.The dream of catching up to you and seeing your face is slowly becoming a horrendous nightmare.I’m scared…

My legs won’t move,my heart silently beats,and I lost sight of your road.Do I give up?Is this what you want?I don’t know.I’m stuck and I’m becoming nothing more than a burden….I guess this is where the story ends.I have failed

Opening my eyes again,It’s 11:36pm,and the Friday Tokyo night’s atmosphere is quiet.I only have one question: Why can’t I sleep!?

Thank you for reading my nonsense


“Float all over the world just to see her again, and I won’t show or feel any pain
Even though all my armor might rust in the rain”
Those are lyrics to the song: “Up with the birds” by “Coldplay”.I don’t understand why song lyrics are popping out and relating to my pathetic situation now!!It’s quite funny though.That set lyrics describe a situation that i find myself in and I’m preparing my “armour” to definitely rust in the rain when i get to spending New Years alone,kanpai yo!I’m screwed lol.

Happy September,everyone!
My father had a philosophy for new months.He believed that if you start the first day of the month with a smile,dancing soul,and giving heart,the month would be generous to you.I followed that my entire life,but this month….I realized that I haven’t slept in 4 days,been bawling my eyes out,and just disconnected from everyone and everything.Sorry dad,I suck this month.
Back to the subject of sleep,I slept a grand total of 6 minutes in the last 4 days yo!I know this because it happened earlier this morning because I had a dream that The lady I like,myself,and my mom(i don’t know why she was there) were talking outside a grocery store about our situation and the lady I like was going to explain something important to me,but my mother pulled me away.All I could remember was the lady’s sad face.It’s haunting.I really hope you aren’t really wearing a frown.Please SMILE!Let me take all of this yo!
Point is….I’m mentally,physically,and emotionally exhausted,therefore I am a zombie!

I will keep my mind busy by studying Spanish.That’s right,Japanese Kyo will soon morph into Mexican Kyou!!lol.Wish me luck.

Thank you for reading