Sayonara Mexico

How far would you go…?
How much pain would you endure…?
How much would you change…?
Is it all worth it…?
…for someone

My friends and family all asked that question and I was unmoved in my answer that I would do anything,literally anything.I’m not even joking.Some of the things I did is cho embarrassing,but love makes you do things outside of your character.All for the sake of a smile that wasn’t your own ne?That logic can be applied to my wanting to travel to Mexico so eagerly,but why?There is literally nothing there for me and no one would be happy that I was there.What was my reason then and why did I want this so much?I was chasing something that was never there,but I have convinced myself that everything would be made to work if I just went.I am fool.
My best friend and someone I’ve dated for a long time asked me a serious question that made me see the light,so to speak.She asked me, “Is that person willing to change for you?”, and it hit me,no….it was just me alone,chasing a mirage that I should have ran from.I created a fictional situation and now my heart is in pieces.

With that said,I have decided that I am no longer going to Mexico.Disappointment,anxiety,stress,depression,and a false sense of assurance has defeated this stubborn fool.
I apologize to you all for wasting your time with my whining.Please take care always
Sayonara

Advertisements

Losing My Mind: Chapter 2

For the last 23 hours,I have decided that my trip to Guadalajara,Mexico is cancelled.Will it stay cancelled?I really don’t know,but at this point in time and with every little fear,insecurity,and lack of hope has me on the edge of collapse.I truly want to go and be the person of my word no matter the modifications that have made this process most discouraging.I guess if I am still feeling this way around this time next week,I’ll truly be home for the holidays in Tokyo lol.Like my pun there?No no,It wasn’t clever.I suck at those yo!

Let’s be honest here,I am heartbroken,I’m in pain,I’m sad,I’m being replaced,and I’m still hopeful.I lost someone that truly captured my attention more than anyone has before,someone I could talk to for hours on end about nothing that seemed cho important,and most importantly,I lost my best friend.Yes,I have a huge crush on someone who is fantastic in every way possible.She can talk and you immediately fall in love with her voice,she stares at you and you are lost in her beautiful brown eyes,her humour is so on point,and her presence make the darkest of times,the best of times.That’s my crush.I know,it’s funny that I got myself twisted into a pretzel just for a “crush”,but if you knew what I know,you would understand how addictive this person truly is.She was my little piece of heaven.
She is waaaaaaay out of my league,but I never gave up trying to win her attention.I am learning her mother tongue to try to impress her with my ability to speak on par with her beautiful voice and to prove that nothing is too difficult when she is the one I’m aiming for.I still suck at Spanish,but oi,I’ll get better and I’ll probably drop english for it yo!lol!
I worked literally 4 jobs simultaneously to fund a trip to her city so that I can confess my admiration of her and profess my love to her.To be able to hold both her hands in mine,look her in the eyes,and speak words that are true and that convey how she is worth everything no matter the hardship,she is worth fighting for.I guess that’s why this trip means so much to me,and it’s probably the scariest thing I have ever attempted in my life.

You will read that paragraph and go “If she is so special,why cancel???”
Well,When someone is unsure about you,but you are most certain of them,who gets hurt in the end?When you feel deeply about someone and they feel less about you,who grows a hole in their chest?When you extend your hand while falling in love,but the recipient turns and walks away,who do you think falls into a downward spiral of one sided painful emotions?That’s where I am currently residing lol.I am falling and I’m praying for the bottom,but it never comes.I’m stuck in a one sided love and it’s a tornado of misery,yet I am hopeful that love prevails.My heart is telling to keep fighting,but my mind is asking why am I going the distance for something that won’t move an inch towards you.I’m torn and that’s why I want to cancel this trip,but I also want to go.I just don’t know anything.I don’t talk to my crush at all anymore and I know she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore because she says so indirectly.I understand that.I am annoying.I just don’t know where my heart is going,but I do know is that I have a crush on someone that is making me lose my mind lol.So as of now,I’m not going to Mexico.

Thank you for reading

Separate Sky

October used to be a month that I looked forward to with such overflowing excitement,but now,I feel nothing but hollow and disappointment.It’s just kind of ironic that last year around this time,I was beginning a business trip in America and I was in a very depressing part of my life.I mean it was so pathetic that I literally caved in to the demands of a ghost.Hahaha.Quite funny ne?
Fast forward to present time and I am not doing any better.I’m over-thinking,I’m anxiously awaiting for a presence that doesn’t recognize me,I’m over-working,and overall I feel defeated.I have no one but myself to blame,because I caved in to a ghost.This time,the ghost was a situation that I mistaken for a mutual bond.Yes,I am quite dumb.

I am sitting outside at the edge of night and wondering what does your sky view look like.It’s a bit baffling that some point in time,our skies seemed to entwine but maybe it was an illusion created by my foolish,hopeful heart.To call you,to hear you,to see you,to share our tales….it was a wonderful time to stand underneath a shared sky,or so I selfishly thought.Without physical evidence,It was nothing more than whisper on the wind ne?Sigh….I was truly selfish and I can’t begin to make it up to you.I don’t know how.The only thing I can do is fade away without a trace.It’s simple.I never existed nor meant anything anyways.Is it disappointing?Sure but it’s nothing new.I have been molded by disappointment when my innocence was stolen at a very young age.I can’t even recall a year in which I haven’t suffered some type of scar.It created me,so I guess I am used to it.
Whether it is friendship or love,it all ends up the same.The actors may change but the ending is always spot on.”You’re a good friend,Kyo but……” Or “I do love you,but…..” Aaaaaaaaaand begin the nice ways of telling me to “fuck off” or dropping hints that my presence is a bother or whatever.All it does is make me feel like I am not good enough.Which I am not.I know that all too well now and there isn’t a lie in the world that can change how I feel.
So yeah….Kyosuke is not a real enough person to be acknowledged.At least that is what my years of trying to bond with others taught.But it’s alright.It truly is.
I just wish I wouldn’t expect people to be different or try to convince me that it will be different.No,you’re all the same but with different excuses.It’s life,and with this type of life,I have lost faith in people,I just try to smile so there will be no worries.

I am only angry with myself for wasting so many people’s time.To everyone,I am truly sorry for everything.
Well,I guess I did enough “Kyo bashing” so I will go have my shower and stare at the ceiling lol.I am truly on my own in a separate sky
Ja ne

Run

“Where did you go?
Why did you run so far?”
The words I shout as I try to keep up on the broken path you left behind.Afraid to stop chasing you because my heart is afraid of losing your presence completely,but it seems that not even your shadow remains.
Stopping along the cracked and crumbling pathway,I fall to my knees from the weight of disappointment and sorrow.The realization that you are really gone and I can’t locate you like before burns away the rope of hope that I’ve held on to for so long.The dream of catching up to you and seeing your face is slowly becoming a horrendous nightmare.I’m scared…

My legs won’t move,my heart silently beats,and I lost sight of your road.Do I give up?Is this what you want?I don’t know.I’m stuck and I’m becoming nothing more than a burden….I guess this is where the story ends.I have failed

Opening my eyes again,It’s 11:36pm,and the Friday Tokyo night’s atmosphere is quiet.I only have one question: Why can’t I sleep!?

Thank you for reading my nonsense

Days

“Float all over the world just to see her again, and I won’t show or feel any pain
Even though all my armor might rust in the rain”
Those are lyrics to the song: “Up with the birds” by “Coldplay”.I don’t understand why song lyrics are popping out and relating to my pathetic situation now!!It’s quite funny though.That set lyrics describe a situation that i find myself in and I’m preparing my “armour” to definitely rust in the rain when i get there.lol.Cheers to spending New Years alone,kanpai yo!I’m screwed lol.

Happy September,everyone!
My father had a philosophy for new months.He believed that if you start the first day of the month with a smile,dancing soul,and giving heart,the month would be generous to you.I followed that my entire life,but this month….I realized that I haven’t slept in 4 days,been bawling my eyes out,and just disconnected from everyone and everything.Sorry dad,I suck this month.
Back to the subject of sleep,I slept a grand total of 6 minutes in the last 4 days yo!I know this because it happened earlier this morning because I had a dream that The lady I like,myself,and my mom(i don’t know why she was there) were talking outside a grocery store about our situation and the lady I like was going to explain something important to me,but my mother pulled me away.All I could remember was the lady’s sad face.It’s haunting.I really hope you aren’t really wearing a frown.Please SMILE!Let me take all of this yo!
Point is….I’m mentally,physically,and emotionally exhausted,therefore I am a zombie!

I will keep my mind busy by studying Spanish.That’s right,Japanese Kyo will soon morph into Mexican Kyou!!lol.Wish me luck.

Thank you for reading

Gracias,Mi Amor

“Love takes some time to bloom,it just hasn’t found you yet”
That is the words repeating in my head nonstop for the last 72 hours.Accompanying those words are endless memories of the last 8 months i have shared with someone special and the emotional attachment is making living in that memory a beautiful,yet painful experience.

It all feels like a dream and one of the best dreams i had in my entire life thus far.Maybe I have been in coma for the last 8 months and in that coma i created this situation in which I was happy with someone whom I thought would be with me.This is no dream and I was awakened 3 days ago and I honestly feel hollow,but I felt this coming for a few months now.I guess I didn’t prepare enough nor was I strong enough to accept this new reality without disappointment and tears.
I was extremely selfish and I didn’t see how much that beauty and amazing someone was struggling inside.I only knew how I felt and I thought everything was fine because of that and i was selfish and foolish for not putting your feelings first.No matter how I feel now or ever,I am happy that you don’t have to struggle anymore.I am truly thankful for your honesty and putting yourself first.It’s how it should’ve been since the beginning.I admire your courage

Mi amor,I still refer to you as this because i still love you like it was day 1 of falling in love with you.Although I can’t be your’s,I accept that given the comfort it grants you.I want to thank you for being a positive part of my negative life.I am not exaggerating!You made everything worthwhile and you made me smile everyday,whether it was your jokes,your clumsiness,seeing you smile,or just knowing you were there.Your presence meant/means the world to me and i can not thank you enough.The last 8 months has been rough.Not being able to be with each other like we should,so I understood your frustrations,but I’d tell you;you’ve given me more joy in the past 8 months than i had in the last 17 years!It was like riding a cloud and having the world at your disposal.Everything felt free and light.It was something i wasn’t accustomed to.I wasn’t constantly thinking about how or when this would end,I was only thinking about NOW I am happy.I’m sorry.
I want to thank you for giving me the courage to work in a foreign land and give my absolute best despite the ones that doubted my ability.I want to thank you and your mother for being my inspirations to learn Spanish and I will uphold my promise to become fluent.I want to thank you for being you.I know you fought yourself with telling me the truth and my stupid emotions didn’t make things easy for you,but I am truly grateful for the person you are and will be in the future.You are a star and your light will illuminate the other stars around you.Your soul’s gentleness is contagious.

I don’t know if I will ever see you again or talk to you like before….but one thing you can count on,I’ll never forget you for a single second of my life and I’ll be cheering you on as you grow successful in your life.
Thank you for everything,Mi amor
I will always love you

Goodbye

待ってる

Have you ever found yourself staring at the phone every 5 seconds or just verbally encouraging it to receive a message from someone?Wait no!?Just me!?Yikes!!Hahaha…Well I’m nuts!What can I say!?

I am currently in a relationship with the most wonderful woman in the world,but I can sense she is tired of me.I get it,I’m cho(super) annoying!I admit that,but it’s her fault for spoiling me so!I guess my dilemma is that I need to back off but It’s difficult as heck!Gotta do what’s necessary to stay in her good graces ne?I’m hopeless…..

Thanks for reading!
Until next time,Ja ne!

Soledad y felicidad

There is something quite humbling about walking underneath the darkening evening skies of Tokyo after a long day of work.
For 32 years I have walked this atmosphere and for each day,the experience is still an enlightening moment.So sincere and calming,yet loud in silence and vivid in provoking thoughts.

I had my usual busy day today,working an 8-9 hour shift,and I went to this mexican restaurant named: Guzman y Gomez in Shibuya.I am glad i did because I had an amazing lunch and one of the workers recommended me a dish and i had tears of joy from every bite yo!Hahaha!I like to randomly surprise myself every now and then.
As my day comes to end,I can’t help but feel somewhat empty.No I am not sad,but it’s a form of loneliness that isn’t painful nor tear invoking,It’s just I return to my little apartment and I find myself talking to my echo vibrating off the walls.Am I going insane?Has my mental capacity broken down?Or am I missing someone?It’s more so that I am missing someone very much but I must be mindful that she is also most busy in her life currently.She is working so hard and she is succeeding at a phenomenal rate!I couldn’t be more proud.Maybe I am selfish,but that person makes me so happy when I see her face or hear her voice,so is my loneliness justified?I don’t know,But what I do know is that i miss you,Mari

I am happy whilst in my loneliness,but I’m still yearning nonetheless.
As long as she keeps giving it her all,I’ll look to these wonderful skies and convey my heart to her through the traveling winds!

Review

Good afternoon my long deserted blog!!
I have some time so im just going to do a quick review

I am officially 31 years of age.I am steadily growing old by a landslide!!Some say that I should embrace my advancing age because wisdom comes with age.lol.Not sure about that one.I feel weaker in the brain more than before.

I spent a month and a half in America and maaaaan was it a strange experience!lol.

Most importantly: Im learning Spanish!!Im progressing rapidly and in no time,I’ll be able to bully my gf in her native language!!Wish me luck!^.^v

花と花瓶-Flower and Vase

The sun is rising over my fair Tokyo morning skies.So I greet you all a grand morning,regradless of where in the world you are located.

6AM in the morning and not an ounce of sleep.Eyes are not broken but rather trained to endured the late nights and early morning hours.Like my mind has a pulse of it’s own.Soaring and racing!What can I possibly be thinking so early,huh?The answer is not quite obvious,but I try to make sense of the dissention between my body and mind.Sigh…
“What a time to truly be alive!” Is what I would’ve said,but given my current course of emotion,I’ll like a second and third opinion.

Sitting on an old and dusty shelf;a flowerless vase lies still,cracked,and covered in the abandonment’s dust.An object meant to hold,can no longer hold on to it’s sense of purpose.Faint,tainted droplets of water escapes through the cracks as if the vase were shedding tears of emptiness.Recalling the days of that precious flower held in it’s once beautiful containment.Now,That flower has been plucked away and held by a more suitable,crackless vase.Hopelessness in the moonlit dust.
The sunlight beams through,the curtains open anew,the day begins,the cracked vase is tipped upright again,the dust wiped away,oh so shiny is the blue hue,and the cracks are filled like new.”I can breathe again”
The flower that was lost can never be forgotten,but this vase is ready to hold again.”I am ready to start anew”

Well there you have it…I am insane.lol.
Now let me get back to drawing Finn Balor!
Until next time,take care.
Thanks for reading