As you know by now,I am going through therapy to help me cope with a deep loss that has impacted me drastically these past few months.My therapist asked what are some things that I find enjoyable and I replied that I like writing.He suggested that I write down how my progression through this event is ever-changing.So I thought I’d give it a shot ne.
It’s been a month and few days since that dark day and ever since,the light of the universal sun has seemed to become distant.I feel better emotionally,although I struggle at times to understand why I am fine and why I feel a deep loneliness.I can understand the latter but the former is strikingly odd.I get along my days just fine…I guess.I wake up,i prepare for my job,I complete my tasks,I text my girlfriend,and I call it a day.There isn’t anything interesting about me,besides the mystery of how I am holding it all together,while seemingly ready to burst at the seams.I don’t feel sad,happy,excited,scared,nor anything else for that matter.I feel often times that I have no one to confide in nor a home to turn to.I guess that’s a part of the loneliness that has a grip over me now.
My therapist has tasked me with talking about my feelings to people whom I trust,but I don’t know where to turn…haha…So as for that task,I am solidly failing and thus,my feelings remains a bottled up mystery.
I like to believe I am healing,but at the same time,I question why I am healing so rapidly?Have I lost my heart?
What is grief?
Why does it crush you like glass?
Why does it shatter the trust in reality?
These are the questions I wrestle with everyday since last month.As I mentioned in previous post,I lost someone very important to me and it’s not just something I can get over in a matter of weeks,because I grew up and was able to have a life because of that person.Losing someone of such of a very important caliber not only breaks your heart,but it breaks your spirit.My spirit is broken,although I look ahead to a future with someone,I can not stop looking back,because that person in my past molded who I am today.It’s really difficult to continue to pretend that I am well and things are getting better,when in fact they aren’t.I joke with myself that I aged 7 years since that day and its true.I look and feel terrible.Its time to take action.
I signed up to join a support group.I guess I really need to talk about how I feel and why I am so scared to continue living after all of this.I can give a bit of insight into one of my biggest fears and its standing right in front of me with a big grin on it’s face.I am terrified of a reality in which I die completely alone and so far,that reality is looking more realistic.I lost my parents,my inspiration,my friends,and I live in a place where I don’t feel like belong anymore.I truly feel a deep loneliness that I have never felt in my life.I am just hoping that by joining this group,I can open up about my feelings and empty everything before I start anew.I want to start over and look towards the world with endless outlook.Until then,I’ll keep fighting for my new future.
Good early morning.
I just have a few things to get off my chest and there is no better place than my diary/blog ne.
I know there has been a decent amount of time between my last post and now,well there is a reason for that.It’s not like I don’t have anything to write home about,because I have honestly have so much to say in terms of my trip,meeting someone special,and overcoming something that plagued me for most of my life… The funny thing is,I have been thinking about making this strictly a place to promote my drawings (lol),not that they are anything spectacular,but I love the idea of sharing something I created with like-minded people or just anyone passing by.I wanted to not only promote it,but I wanted to share the meaning behind it,the atmosphere that it was conceived in,and just overall chat with you all.That was the plan AFTER I talked about my trip to Mexico…but I lost sight of it all after a life-altering event took place.
A week or so after my return to Japan,I lost my mother.She was my only living parent and now she is reunited with my father and elder brother.I won’t go into great detail but maybe you can see a connection here.I wanted to write so much,I truly did.I grappled and struggled with logging in and beginning to write,only to have my emotions lead my original draft into an emotional spiral.Soon I would log off and turn off my computer entirely and just sit in my darkened room,reflecting how much I have lost and how I can’t function regularly as before.It became overwhelming and thus,my intent to write about the happiest time of my life and go forward with a new blogging directions ceased to come to life.
Right now,This post is the real me…no false face to hide pain,not ignoring what is happening,and just accepting that my blogging style is just raw human emotion.I guess me writing from the heart is more sincere than trying to foolishly promote art.
Hello,my dear blog.It has been quite some time since my previous entry and it wasn’t because I had a lack of topics to expand upon,but rather just having zero motivation to write.I go through lazy spells and I refuse to do anything about them but acknowledge that I am indeed inflicted.
Without further ado,here we go!
2017 was by far the most emotional taxing years i have endured in a long time!There was my amazing relationship,working in/traveling to American for months at a time,working 4 jobs simultaneously,studying Spanish,my breakup,and just trying to find that individual strength to overcome everything.It was a year with alot of fireworks….but sometimes,there are explosions that damage things you cherish.i lost a dear friend of mine and I honestly felt like I lost myself for awhile.That person helped me through an awful time in my life when help or advice was very few and far.So losing her was a blow to my very soul.Just a month before she passed,I almost commited suicide until I received a call on my phone and her first words were: “I think this hair dye is making me high” and I just laughed so hard that I broke down in tears.She had no idea what I was about to do,but her just being herself saved me from myself and ultimately making the biggest mistake of my life.I just regret that I wasn’t able to save her and thank her for saving me without trying.
I still miss her everyday and when I see her name in my contacts,I feel as she is on vacation and will return shortly,but the reality is that it isn’t as I wish.Sigh…
Value those in your life,because you can’t get time back.No matter how much you hope and pray,time doesn’t stop nor stream backwards.Just reach out and appreciate those you consider important.