Help Wanted

HELP ME PLEASE!!Hold on!Let me explain first!

So,voy a Guadalajara en diciembre(I’m going to Guadalajara in December)for what was supposed to be a romantic vacation,but a change of plans occurred so now it’s just me traveling as a student.Hahaha.Although I am not a very smart student,but I do value other cultures outside of Japanese(my native culture),so I plan to bathe in the Mexican culture on this trip.
I have been planning this trip since the beginning of this year and I refuse to back down no matter what!So with that in mind,I have bought at least 5 Spanish books to equip myself to communicate with the people of Mexico.My real reason was to become good enough to confess my feelings to a special person in her own tongue(LOL)and thank her Mother for being most kind to me and for hosting me.I will admit that I have a pretty good grip on the basic sentence structures and grammar functions,due to my learning English at a very young age.All in all,it’s pretty to grasp and the phonetics isn’t too different from Japanese,so I just need to have more confidence!
So,you may be asking yourselves,”Why the ‘Help wanted’ title then?!”.Well,I do understand the basics,but having a fluent speaker to practice with makes a world’s difference in language progression.Having a teacher in elementary level educations aided in our mastering our own languages,so the same logic can be applied to learning outside languages ne?

I am not entirely serious,but I am not saying “NO!” to any help offered.I am not truly posting an AD that will pay you for your time and services,but I would appreciate anyone if they decided to help this foreign baka from the kindness of their heart(s)lol.
So if anyone would like to help,you can contact me at a few places(ONLY IF YOU CHOOSE TO!!)
I can be reach on:

TWITTER
INSTAGRAM

Email – kyosukeshinobu@yahoo.com
FACEBOOK – search for “Kyosuke Shinobu” im the only one 😉

Thank you for reading!

 

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Separate Sky

October used to be a month that I looked forward to with such overflowing excitement,but now,I feel nothing but hollow and disappointment.It’s just kind of ironic that last year around this time,I was beginning a business trip in America and I was in a very depressing part of my life.I mean it was so pathetic that I literally caved in to the demands of a ghost.Hahaha.Quite funny ne?
Fast forward to present time and I am not doing any better.I’m over-thinking,I’m anxiously awaiting for a presence that doesn’t recognize me,I’m over-working,and overall I feel defeated.I have no one but myself to blame,because I caved in to a ghost.This time,the ghost was a situation that I mistaken for a mutual bond.Yes,I am quite dumb.

I am sitting outside at the edge of night and wondering what does your sky view look like.It’s a bit baffling that some point in time,our skies seemed to entwine but maybe it was an illusion created by my foolish,hopeful heart.To call you,to hear you,to see you,to share our tales….it was a wonderful time to stand underneath a shared sky,or so I selfishly thought.Without physical evidence,It was nothing more than whisper on the wind ne?Sigh….I was truly selfish and I can’t begin to make it up to you.I don’t know how.The only thing I can do is fade away without a trace.It’s simple.I never existed nor meant anything anyways.Is it disappointing?Sure but it’s nothing new.I have been molded by disappointment when my innocence was stolen at a very young age.I can’t even recall a year in which I haven’t suffered some type of scar.It created me,so I guess I am used to it.
Whether it is friendship or love,it all ends up the same.The actors may change but the ending is always spot on.”You’re a good friend,Kyo but……” Or “I do love you,but…..” Aaaaaaaaaand begin the nice ways of telling me to “fuck off” or dropping hints that my presence is a bother or whatever.All it does is make me feel like I am not good enough.Which I am not.I know that all too well now and there isn’t a lie in the world that can change how I feel.
So yeah….Kyosuke is not a real enough person to be acknowledged.At least that is what my years of trying to bond with others taught.But it’s alright.It truly is.
I just wish I wouldn’t expect people to be different or try to convince me that it will be different.No,you’re all the same but with different excuses.It’s life,and with this type of life,I have lost faith in people,I just try to smile so there will be no worries.

I am only angry with myself for wasting so many people’s time.To everyone,I am truly sorry for everything.
Well,I guess I did enough “Kyo bashing” so I will go have my shower and stare at the ceiling lol.I am truly on my own in a separate sky
Ja ne

Save A Light For Me

I try not to display too much of my raw emotions online because if you,you’ll either be called “emo” or “giving out too much on the web”.For me,its not easy to pretend to be something I’m not.Plain and simple.I am not going to sit here and tell you that i am wearing the biggest life-loving smile on my face,all the while my eyes light up from the rays of happiness around me,and my life is spotless.No.That is not Shinobu Kyosuke.I am not a “cool” online persona or a “cold hearted” presence just for the sake of being spared online ridicule.I am a Japanese man that suffers from depression every second of my life since age 14 to now,I am not smiling nor am I frowning,I know happiness is around me,but I see no way in which i contributed to that.I just don’t see a point anymore and that scares me.

For awhile now,I don’t like waking up at 6am to fetch my work attire,shower,and eat breakfast.Why?Maybe because I’m lazy.You’re half way right there,but not entirely.My depression makes my body numb and I can’t move.A literal paralysis by one’s mind.Couple that with my favourite lover,Anxiety,then it’s a classic mental beatdown.I surrender when i second guess myself because anxiety makes you question your worth,your ability,your rights,your place,and it all chips away at confidence.Without a single ounce of belief in one’s self,what is your purpose again?At least in my dreams i can literally be and do anything,and that’s why I refuse to leave the bed laced with an grabbing depressive grip.
In my dreams,I matter,in reality,I’m an afterthought,the mistake,the failed experiment,the that first step that gets taken for granted,the loser,the outsider,the unreal.Why though?Why can’t I see past the pitch black?I need a candle….

Ladies and gentlemen,let me introduce you to my mind.Behind this skinny frame,the brown skin,the mask,the jokes,the otaku,the artist,the pervert,the shoulder to cry on,there lies a vessel headed by a fucked up mind.
Mind,let me introduce you to my blog,it’s an empty space,so try not to get too messy.Thank you.

Until next time…
Thank you for reading

Days: Part 2

IM STILL ALIVE!!MWAHAHAHAHA….
To be honest,I’m not sure how,though.I didn’t sleep no longer than 7 minutes in the span of 6 days and I didn’t (couldn’t) eat within that timeframe because my appetite was nonexistent.I know some will say, “Well you have to make yourself eat” and while I appreciate your encouragement,my body doesn’t work that way.If I force feed myself during a period in which my hunger literally gone,I will become sick.I am currently ill and I am not kidding when I say that I feel like I was buried alive underneath hot rocks.Long story short,Im in the hospital and I feel like I am close to death.lol

Yes,I am indeed a patient in the hospital due to my “extreme condition” and i am under sedatives so i literally feel and think nothing now that I am here.Maybe the nurses are trying to reset my memory and reprogram me to be “normal”!!That is a bit of a reach,but who really knows people true intentions these days ne?
The sedatives are supposed to help me relax and calm my emotional distress but it really doesn’t seem to be working.Everyday I think about a day or words that were said that cracks more of my confidence and trust in others and anything.I still haven’t been able to eat solid foods so I am getting fed apple sauce!!YESSSSS!At least that’s one positive!

I had my friend Megumi bring me my Spanish books because I refuse to let all my hard work and dedication go to waste!So I study at least 5 hours a day and the nurses hate me for it!lol.I never play by the rules yo!
I don’t know,it’s proving difficult to fake smiles or hide my unhappiness now.I was really good at that,but all it takes is an event that makes you realize that you weren’t truly good enough.I guess the truth hurts ne?Well bring on more pain because it’s all I ever feel now.hahaha…
It’s almost 4am and guess who can’t sleep again!?THIS BAKA!!

Thank you for reading
Take care!

Days

“Float all over the world just to see her again, and I won’t show or feel any pain
Even though all my armor might rust in the rain”
Those are lyrics to the song: “Up with the birds” by “Coldplay”.I don’t understand why song lyrics are popping out and relating to my pathetic situation now!!It’s quite funny though.That set lyrics describe a situation that i find myself in and I’m preparing my “armour” to definitely rust in the rain when i get there.lol.Cheers to spending New Years alone,kanpai yo!I’m screwed lol.

Happy September,everyone!
My father had a philosophy for new months.He believed that if you start the first day of the month with a smile,dancing soul,and giving heart,the month would be generous to you.I followed that my entire life,but this month….I realized that I haven’t slept in 4 days,been bawling my eyes out,and just disconnected from everyone and everything.Sorry dad,I suck this month.
Back to the subject of sleep,I slept a grand total of 6 minutes in the last 4 days yo!I know this because it happened earlier this morning because I had a dream that The lady I like,myself,and my mom(i don’t know why she was there) were talking outside a grocery store about our situation and the lady I like was going to explain something important to me,but my mother pulled me away.All I could remember was the lady’s sad face.It’s haunting.I really hope you aren’t really wearing a frown.Please SMILE!Let me take all of this yo!
Point is….I’m mentally,physically,and emotionally exhausted,therefore I am a zombie!

I will keep my mind busy by studying Spanish.That’s right,Japanese Kyo will soon morph into Mexican Kyou!!lol.Wish me luck.

Thank you for reading

Gracias,Mi Amor

“Love takes some time to bloom,it just hasn’t found you yet”
That is the words repeating in my head nonstop for the last 72 hours.Accompanying those words are endless memories of the last 8 months i have shared with someone special and the emotional attachment is making living in that memory a beautiful,yet painful experience.

It all feels like a dream and one of the best dreams i had in my entire life thus far.Maybe I have been in coma for the last 8 months and in that coma i created this situation in which I was happy with someone whom I thought would be with me.This is no dream and I was awakened 3 days ago and I honestly feel hollow,but I felt this coming for a few months now.I guess I didn’t prepare enough nor was I strong enough to accept this new reality without disappointment and tears.
I was extremely selfish and I didn’t see how much that beauty and amazing someone was struggling inside.I only knew how I felt and I thought everything was fine because of that and i was selfish and foolish for not putting your feelings first.No matter how I feel now or ever,I am happy that you don’t have to struggle anymore.I am truly thankful for your honesty and putting yourself first.It’s how it should’ve been since the beginning.I admire your courage

Mi amor,I still refer to you as this because i still love you like it was day 1 of falling in love with you.Although I can’t be your’s,I accept that given the comfort it grants you.I want to thank you for being a positive part of my negative life.I am not exaggerating!You made everything worthwhile and you made me smile everyday,whether it was your jokes,your clumsiness,seeing you smile,or just knowing you were there.Your presence meant/means the world to me and i can not thank you enough.The last 8 months has been rough.Not being able to be with each other like we should,so I understood your frustrations,but I’d tell you;you’ve given me more joy in the past 8 months than i had in the last 17 years!It was like riding a cloud and having the world at your disposal.Everything felt free and light.It was something i wasn’t accustomed to.I wasn’t constantly thinking about how or when this would end,I was only thinking about NOW I am happy.I’m sorry.
I want to thank you for giving me the courage to work in a foreign land and give my absolute best despite the ones that doubted my ability.I want to thank you and your mother for being my inspirations to learn Spanish and I will uphold my promise to become fluent.I want to thank you for being you.I know you fought yourself with telling me the truth and my stupid emotions didn’t make things easy for you,but I am truly grateful for the person you are and will be in the future.You are a star and your light will illuminate the other stars around you.Your soul’s gentleness is contagious.

I don’t know if I will ever see you again or talk to you like before….but one thing you can count on,I’ll never forget you for a single second of my life and I’ll be cheering you on as you grow successful in your life.
Thank you for everything,Mi amor
I will always love you

Goodbye

待ってる

Have you ever found yourself staring at the phone every 5 seconds or just verbally encouraging it to receive a message from someone?Wait no!?Just me!?Yikes!!Hahaha…Well I’m nuts!What can I say!?

I am currently in a relationship with the most wonderful woman in the world,but I can sense she is tired of me.I get it,I’m cho(super) annoying!I admit that,but it’s her fault for spoiling me so!I guess my dilemma is that I need to back off but It’s difficult as heck!Gotta do what’s necessary to stay in her good graces ne?I’m hopeless…..

Thanks for reading!
Until next time,Ja ne!

Hiatus No More

I have been away for quite some time,ne?I guess that is my fault….well IT IS my fault.The reason for my extended absence is a result of my mental health(depression) reaching an all time high and My lack of interest in anything(depression again).That is a subject I will touch upon in a later post,but I want to make this quick and simply state that I am back.

My drawing above came from a dream I had last night about how people perceive me topless compared to what I actually look like without a shirt.I’m quite the sack of bones ne?Lol.I got a good chuckle from sketching this.I plan to post more of my artwork here often.If you are ever curious to check out my other stuff,you can always check my instagram ( http://www.instagram.com/knky0 ) for more and if you really like it,follow me.It would be greatly appreciated no matter what you choose to do yo!^.^

Thank you all for reading!

Carry

Another late night post,another flood of thoughts coming to my mind.
There is this feeling inside that I can’t simply rid myself of,no matter how much I falsely smile to make others be at ease or how I verbally say “I’m fine”,I am not oke,but I have to pretend to be for the sake of others.It’s the way it’s always been.

One aspect of my life I am not shy to hide is the fact that i do suffer from depression in a great amount.The main proponent of my depression is my father’s passing.I do have a mother and other siblings but my father was the one that i could run to when things seemed heavy or i was being a brat.Mind you that I was only 14 when he died,so my struggles became all the more unbearable as I’ve aged and I couldn’t fall back on the other arms in my life.Alot are unwilling if not annoyed to always catch you when you fall.

I don’t know what my problem is recently,but I feel the need and desire have someone to fall in to.It’s selfish because if you overload someone with your issues and an overbearing/dramatic actions,you ultimately drive them away.I learned that the hard way this week.
I guess with my health the way it is and just being stressed,I feel very alone and I just want to be with people or anyone that will comfort me in their arms.It’s a selfish feeling because everyone is going through something and the last thing anyone want is to haul around someone else’s baggage.

I woke up from my nap with a sense of clarity;I don’t need anyone.I have been fine on my own thus far and I shall be ne.So to my friends,Mari,and anyone else,Im sorry for placing my weight on you.It was selfish and it will never take place again.My feelings are best bottled up,swallowed,and i be reborn with a fierce fire for life.
I will always offer my help to anyone that needs it,but please,let me walk on my own.Thank you

Until next time,Thank you for reading

Soy Sobrio!

I CAN’T SLEEP!!!
NO I am not drinking or anything.I feel highly energetic and motivated to do so many things at once,but i’m mentally burning myself out in the process lol.Isn’t that funny!?Not a bad problem to have,in my opinion.I’m having a ton of fun at 5 in the morning,or should I say: a las cinco de la mañana.I’M LEARNING SPANISH BTW!

The video I posted is by a person/group by the name of Tommy ’86 and the song is called: “Why Did I Say Goodbye”.It’s an absolute jam to listen to,especially when you are alone and just chilling or if you just want a reason to dance!Whatever it is,it’s a damn good song!

Anyways,i have seriously started studying Spanish and I am enjoying it the more I dive into the language.I guess it helps that I am half-way decent in English,because Spanish sentence structures aren’t that different than their English counterpart.So I am grateful that I am able to pick this up so rapidly,because I want to be able to communicate with many people worldwide without barriers!I feel selfish sometimes,because I actually think I sound sexier speaking Spanish,than my native Japanese lol!Don’t ask me how or why,I’m just a baka,KING BAKA,in fact!!

I’m going to study a bit more now,because why not?!I can’t help but feel excited when I’m learning yo!The sun is slowly rising and my eyes aren’t falling at all!Bummer.Music,Candy,and Spanish til I fall yo!

P.s I added some links to the side of my page that will direct you to my personal Facebook,Twitter,and Instagram.REACH OUT TO ME,PEOPLE!!No really,you don’t have to.I’m quite shy.^-^v

Thank you for reading