Candlelight

What is grief?
Why does it crush you like glass?
Why does it shatter the trust in reality?
These are the questions I wrestle with everyday since last month.As I mentioned in previous post,I lost someone very important to me and it’s not just something I can get over in a matter of weeks,because I grew up and was able to have a life because of that person.Losing someone of such of a very important caliber not only breaks your heart,but it breaks your spirit.My spirit is broken,although I look ahead to a future with someone,I can not stop looking back,because that person in my past molded who I am today.It’s really difficult to continue to pretend that I am well and things are getting better,when in fact they aren’t.I joke with myself that I aged 7 years since that day and its true.I look and feel terrible.Its time to take action.

I signed up to join a support group.I guess I really need to talk about how I feel and why I am so scared to continue living after all of this.I can give a bit of insight into one of my biggest fears and its standing right in front of me with a big grin on it’s face.I am terrified of a reality in which I die completely alone and so far,that reality is looking more realistic.I lost my parents,my inspiration,my friends,and I live in a place where I don’t feel like belong anymore.I truly feel a deep loneliness that I have never felt in my life.I am just hoping that by joining this group,I can open up about my feelings and empty everything before I start anew.I want to start over and look towards the world with endless outlook.Until then,I’ll keep fighting for my new future.

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Cloudy

Good early morning.
I just have a few things to get off my chest and there is no better place than my diary/blog ne.

I know there has been a decent amount of time between my last post and now,well there is a reason for that.It’s not like I don’t have anything to write home about,because I have honestly have so much to say in terms of my trip,meeting someone special,and overcoming something that plagued me for most of my life… The funny thing is,I have been thinking about making this strictly a place to promote my drawings (lol),not that they are anything spectacular,but I love the idea of sharing something I created with like-minded people or just anyone passing by.I wanted to not only promote it,but I wanted to share the meaning behind it,the atmosphere that it was conceived in,and just overall chat with you all.That was the plan AFTER I talked about my trip to Mexico…but I lost sight of it all after a life-altering event took place.

A week or so after my return to Japan,I lost my mother.She was my only living parent and now she is reunited with my father and elder brother.I won’t go into great detail but maybe you can see a connection here.I wanted to write so much,I truly did.I grappled and struggled with logging in and beginning to write,only to have my emotions lead my original draft into an emotional spiral.Soon I would log off and turn off my computer entirely and just sit in my darkened room,reflecting how much I have lost and how I can’t function regularly as before.It became overwhelming and thus,my intent to write about the happiest time of my life and go forward with a new blogging directions ceased to come to life.
Right now,This post is the real me…no false face to hide pain,not ignoring what is happening,and just accepting that my blogging style is just raw human emotion.I guess me writing from the heart is more sincere than trying to foolishly promote art.

異なる- Different

Rapid hearts racing eagerly towards a nervous collision.
I finally found you after so long apart
Your eyes swept me away into an oasis of nervous ecstasy
The words escaping your lips sung a melody of familiar tranquility
Your touch ignited my soul into a vibrant hue
I was changed

Walking underneath shared skies made life a tolerable quest.I was by your side,hand in hand,and laughing the daylight away.The midday breeze constantly reminded me that i was truly living the reality I foresaw 2 years ago.The nightfall was illuminated by the graceful moon,surrounding itself with it’s audience of stars.Dared I count them all,only to fail and be rewarded with sweet kiss to stamp the night.
My days were born anew

Since I’ve met you,my life hasn’t been the same and I always ask to nobody listening for a chance to go back and do it all same.Deaf ears were only present.
Soon,I shall be with you and we will create undeniable memories.

Different

Bailar

I was going to do a third entry to my “Dark Tide” mini story,but here I am to say “Screw that!”
The meaning behind those post was a result of my current state of depression.Yes,I am horribly depressed and it’s making me physically ill,Seeing things/people that aren’t here anymore,loss of appetite,feeling alone,hopeless,and simply wanting to die.Yes,it’s a tough pill to swallow when someone tells you that they think about dying or in coded terms “escaping”.It started last Thursday,I finished wishing my crush a good night and boom,depression punched me right in the nose!Since then,I hear a voice telling me how to rid myself of depression for good,but the advice is usually a suicidal method.So I know that my depression is urging me to off myself sooner rather than later.Over the past few days I have contemplated slitting my wrist,hanging myself in my bedroom,drowning in my bath,poisoning myself,and jumping in front of a train.I apologize if this is too graphic,but my blog style is all about sheer honesty no matter how heavy.
Lucky for me,I am still here to share this story.

The way I have been coping with my mood,my disease and all the ill-thoughts attached to it,I simply dance.You heard it right;I dance myself into of state of perseverance.I put my headphones on,i plug into my ipod nano (yes i still own one),maybe I’m feeling some Utada Hikaru, or wavy Kid Cudi,or fist pounding Dir En Grey,or euphoric ODESZA.Whatever I choose to listen to,my life is transformed into a stage in which I am the performer and I will give the performance of a lifetime.
Singing and nodding my head on train,Dancing,spinning,swaying my arms into the Tokyo nights to rhythm of my favourite songs,or just going absolute insane in my bedroom to some roaring metal.No matter the setting or song,I feel the weight of depression weakening and I am free to soar in that moment.
Life gets heavy,why not enlighten ourselves with some joy.

The Dark Tide: Sinking

Day 2,39 hours later of no sleep.The air I attempt to breathe is the heaviest by far.I sit across from a mirror,seeing my repulsive reflection reminding me of the trauma my mind is putting me through.
Is that a smile peeking through the somber face?Or is it simply my delirium taunting me of an emotion/action I can not mimic.My head hangs low and my line of sight crashes to the ground.Where does it end?Where did it begin?Please tell me how to stop it!
My sanity slowly begins sinking.

Time

Hello,my dear blog.It has been quite some time since my previous entry and it wasn’t because I had a lack of topics to expand upon,but rather just having zero motivation to write.I go through lazy spells and I refuse to do anything about them but acknowledge that I am indeed inflicted.
Without further ado,here we go!

2017 was by far the most emotional taxing years i have endured in a long time!There was my amazing relationship,working in/traveling to American for months at a time,working 4 jobs simultaneously,studying Spanish,my breakup,and just trying to find that individual strength to overcome everything.It was a year with alot of fireworks….but sometimes,there are explosions that damage things you cherish.i lost a dear friend of mine and I honestly felt like I lost myself for awhile.That person helped me through an awful time in my life when help or advice was very few and far.So losing her was a blow to my very soul.Just a month before she passed,I almost commited suicide until I received a call on my phone and her first words were: “I think this hair dye is making me high” and I just laughed so hard that I broke down in tears.She had no idea what I was about to do,but her just being herself saved me from myself and ultimately making the biggest mistake of my life.I just regret that I wasn’t able to save her and thank her for saving me without trying.
I still miss her everyday and when I see her name in my contacts,I feel as she is on vacation and will return shortly,but the reality is that it isn’t as I wish.Sigh…

Value those in your life,because you can’t get time back.No matter how much you hope and pray,time doesn’t stop nor stream backwards.Just reach out and appreciate those you consider important.

Thank you for reading

In Progress

I’m so sorry,my blog!The lack of posts and updates is most unfortunate,but life gets in the way yo!I shall return to my all access blogging,because alot has happened between my last post and now.A tragedy,injury,a scare,a HUGE moment,losing a friend,and gaining a new job.I can’t wait to share my experiences soon.Please be patient with me.Thank you so much.

If you would like (I doubt it) you can keep up with me on these sites:

Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/no.speak04

Twitter:

http://www.twitter.com/knky0

Hope to see you there!