Maldición Del Corazón

When I was about 6 years of age,my best friend,Akira and I went bike riding and we were both dumb kids,so we rode through mud,insect infested grass,and literally for almost 4 hours.The skies darkened,raindrops started falling lightly,so we gather our remaining energy to begin our journey home.About 10 minutes into the ride with home nowhere in sight,the rain poured heavily upon us,mind you that we were not prepared for rain,thus we had not been dress appropriately for such weather.Akira challenged me with “the first person to reach my (Akira’s) house wins!”,and we started peddling faster,until her front tire hit a big rock and she fell to the ground,her bike not too far beside her,and she cried out from the pain in her ankle.I jumped off my bike,ran over to her,and tried to encourage her to stand so we can make it home to my mother since she is a doctor.Akira couldn’t stand at all,so I kneeled in front of her,looking forward,and I told her to get on my back.I picked her up,leaving the bikes behind,which caused her to feel guilty,so I promised her that I would come back to retrieve the bikes once I get her home.
We finally made it to her home,my legs sore and tired from carrying her,drained of my overall energy,and soaked from the rain; Akira’s mother answered my knock and immediately retrieved Akira and aided her bruised ankle.She told me to come inside to get warm,but I bowed deeply,refused,apologized,and I ran all the way back to retrieve our bikes as promised,returned her bike,and finally I made it home.Later that night I fell ill with a high fever that lasted nearly two weeks

The moral of the story is: No matter my relationship with someone,the changing situations,or feelings,I will never give up on anyone.

The reason I am writing this is because I am attempting to rekindle my friendship with someone whom I’ve dated long ago.Insane,ne?Yes,but where is the golden rule stating that you shouldn’t be friends with your ex?If you’ve started out as friends,then you can easily revert back to friends.She was literally my partner in crime in every sense of the phrase,but our breakup not only put distance between us,it created a huge void that we couldn’t recover from.
I have always said that I forgive everything before anyone ever decides to apologize because I want to keep those precious bonds.Failed feelings of the heart shouldn’t be an excuse to dismiss someone or the memories that were made in happiness.That is my belief and on the grounds of that belief,I have maintained friendships with some of my exes except one lol and I even made good friends with people who’ve bullied me during my school years!I never give up on people that are in my life,because they have impacted it in some capacity and I am grateful for their influence.I know alot of people have given up on me and that is oke.Everyone has their own reasons for keeping you around,but if you ever come into my life,believe that I won’t let you walk away easily.My gratitude and interest will always lead me to you again.
It’s my heart’s curse.

Thank you for reading.

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友達 y Amiga

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This is a drawing of me and my best friend from Mexico.I drew it earlier this year and it was a bit difficult to draw for me in the beginning.Alot of it had to do with I don’t know what is her go-to style of clothing and a theme that would represent our friendship.After I’ve decided on the clothing,everything else became simple.The theme became “clingy and shy” lol.I am clinging over her shoulder and she is giving a shy smirk.It’s been the theme of our friendship that has extended over 5+ years now.
We had a bit of a falling out recently which is my fault.I hope to make amends with you one day,but I want everyone to know that my best friend from Mexico has influenced me in such a way that she found herself in one of my drawings.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR GETTING ME HOOKED ON GAME OF THRONES!!

Stranger Things

No this isn’t a post about the wildly popular Netfilx series,because I don’t have Netfilx anymore to review it,all thanks to that bullet to the heart American adaptation of “Death Note”
This post is about my last 2 months,which has for a lack-of-a-better-term been a bunch of strange events.I went from a super clingy(me) relationship with such a sweetheart,to running her away(UNBLOCK ME BAKA!!),and surprisingly,I wasn’t too distraught that I’d gone without sleep for so long that I’d walk into a car,get hit,and end up in a coma for a month lol.I guess it isn’t all too bad ne?
I’ve also went from working at Narita airport,as an internet technician,a store clerk,and translator to scoring the job of my absolute dreams yo!I literally busted my nonexistent hump at 4 places simultaneously to scoring the only one that I needed/wanted!Also,my break up with the sweetheart gave birth to 2(in my opinion) fantastic short stories that I want to start working on.One is a gross romantic story and the other is about finding strength and purpose during depression.More on that later though.

The strangest thing has to go to this woman i was “seeing” (not really) for the last 4 days.So my best friend/ex girlfriend,Asaki gave me the idea awhile ago to just go on dates without expectations and that will distract me from the one I was/still kinda focused on.I told my friends about it just to make small talk and to let them know that my will to live is still there….somewhere lol.So they took the idea,ran with it,and out came a woman I will refer to as A.H,convenient because she was a total asshole,but seriously those are her initials.Anyways,We started talking on LINE for hours a day,my mind is still stuck on the past sweetheart,can’t help it,so I am literally going into this thing only for friendship.No more than friends,no lets grab food on the weekends,and no sex.Back to the hours on LINE part; the majority of the time was spent with her literally talking about herself,her sob stories,and anything I had to add wasn’t relevant enough for her to even touch upon.She was one of those people that love to hear herself speak.So it all accumulated into a lunch date at a ramen shop,my treat.We sat down,ordered food,and as soon as the waitress left,A.H talked nonstop from the moment we ordered til the time food arrived.I think the only words I spoke in that timeframe was: “Yes we are ready to order” lol.
Here’s the kicker,as soon as we finished eating and I was about to add to the conversation,she got up,said: “Thanks for the meal”,left my table,proceeded to sit with another guy,and hug up with him!I was cho confused by the turn of events,that I just stared off into the distance for awhile and somehow manifested a Kyari Pamyu Pamyu song in my head.THAT’S how flabbergasted I was yo!lol.She totally reminded me of someone I dated long ago!
Stranger Things indeed ne

Thanks for reading

I.N.Y.O

So guys,for the last few days,you’ve all read my flip-flopping on whether I will go to Mexico next month or will I save myself the shame and disappointment and stay home.I am still most indecisive about it.I’ve consulted with my friends and to a resounding “Fuck that trip” in the worst engrish possible lol!For me it’s not that simple and that’s why I need your opinions.
The trip has lost all meaning and it’s honestly a waste at this point.Instead on dwelling on something that was ill-advised from the start,I’ve decided to have some fun with it.Either way,Im screwed out of nearly 250.000 yen(Im not even going to try to write out all the conversions lol).With that said,I’m going to let you all decided if Kyo should go to Mexico,get drunk,and be depressed in a foreign land,or Stay in Tokyo,get drunk,and be in familiar depression?Just type “Yes” or “No” the comment section.I encourage you to give your opinions.This should be fun ne?

Thanks for reading

Losing My Mind: Chapter 2

For the last 23 hours,I have decided that my trip to Guadalajara,Mexico is cancelled.Will it stay cancelled?I really don’t know,but at this point in time and with every little fear,insecurity,and lack of hope has me on the edge of collapse.I truly want to go and be the person of my word no matter the modifications that have made this process most discouraging.I guess if I am still feeling this way around this time next week,I’ll truly be home for the holidays in Tokyo lol.Like my pun there?No no,It wasn’t clever.I suck at those yo!

Let’s be honest here,I am heartbroken,I’m in pain,I’m sad,I’m being replaced,and I’m still hopeful.I lost someone that truly captured my attention more than anyone has before,someone I could talk to for hours on end about nothing that seemed cho important,and most importantly,I lost my best friend.Yes,I have a huge crush on someone who is fantastic in every way possible.She can talk and you immediately fall in love with her voice,she stares at you and you are lost in her beautiful brown eyes,her humour is so on point,and her presence make the darkest of times,the best of times.That’s my crush.I know,it’s funny that I got myself twisted into a pretzel just for a “crush”,but if you knew what I know,you would understand how addictive this person truly is.She was my little piece of heaven.
She is waaaaaaay out of my league,but I never gave up trying to win her attention.I am learning her mother tongue to try to impress her with my ability to speak on par with her beautiful voice and to prove that nothing is too difficult when she is the one I’m aiming for.I still suck at Spanish,but oi,I’ll get better and I’ll probably drop english for it yo!lol!
I worked literally 4 jobs simultaneously to fund a trip to her city so that I can confess my admiration of her and profess my love to her.To be able to hold both her hands in mine,look her in the eyes,and speak words that are true and that convey how she is worth everything no matter the hardship,she is worth fighting for.I guess that’s why this trip means so much to me,and it’s probably the scariest thing I have ever attempted in my life.

You will read that paragraph and go “If she is so special,why cancel???”
Well,When someone is unsure about you,but you are most certain of them,who gets hurt in the end?When you feel deeply about someone and they feel less about you,who grows a hole in their chest?When you extend your hand while falling in love,but the recipient turns and walks away,who do you think falls into a downward spiral of one sided painful emotions?That’s where I am currently residing lol.I am falling and I’m praying for the bottom,but it never comes.I’m stuck in a one sided love and it’s a tornado of misery,yet I am hopeful that love prevails.My heart is telling to keep fighting,but my mind is asking why am I going the distance for something that won’t move an inch towards you.I’m torn and that’s why I want to cancel this trip,but I also want to go.I just don’t know anything.I don’t talk to my crush at all anymore and I know she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore because she says so indirectly.I understand that.I am annoying.I just don’t know where my heart is going,but I do know is that I have a crush on someone that is making me lose my mind lol.So as of now,I’m not going to Mexico.

Thank you for reading

Thank You

I just wanted to write this quick post in order to express my gratitude.
Yesterday,I put out a post about my anxiety causing some serious indecisiveness about my trip to Guadalajara,Mexico in less than 2 months.I generally just blog to clear my mind or say what I feel without ever thinking that someone would stop to actually read my ramblings.I was wrong.I don’t know why nor how,but a bunch of people read it and reacted to it and it left me mindblown!I said to myself that if I could,I would bow deeply to you all while yelling “Thank you so much” in Japanese,of course lol.
So minus the bowing,I am most grateful and appreciative of your time to read my words and making me feel like I’m not just some crazy guy yelling into an empty room!Thank you all so very much.I am truly touched.

Losing My Mind

So I am officially losing my mind!Well….what was left of it anyways.So as I stated a fews post ago,I’ll taking an ill-advised trip to Mexico in December.The trip is not only ill-advised,but due to my own stupidity,it’s now also ill-planned!I have no place to stay yo!Hahahaha.I know exactly what most of you are thinking, “Why in the world did you book a flight across the globe and now reserve a place to stay!?”,weeeeell the specifics I won’t get into because it will depress me,but I’m not the brightest star in the sky,if you catch my wave.So yeah….X-amount of money on a trip that I would have never taken at random(lol) and no place to reside during my 2 week visit.
All is not lost!I have been looking into Airbnb and the rates are perfect for my thin wallet yo!Literally,This trip cost me my limbs,some blood,maybe a fingernail,and my happiness to afford it!Never work jobs out of your element!That type of stress can kill you.

My true dilemma is not the price nor the reason for going,but rather my anxiety is literally holding me hostage right now.I rescheduled my trip for the 28th of December instead of the 21st because I seriously need time to find a place to crash.Anyways,Every day I think about the trip,the sights,sounds,people,a certain something,etc and I literally lose my mind.I lose the will to even want to go and it’s stronger each day.I woke up this morning 85% certain that I will call this entire thing off and stay my brown bunz in Japan yo!Hahahaha….but that is also most cowardly and it goes against the promise that I’ve made.Never break a promise no matter how many times you are broken.My father taught me that,so I must somehow overcome the negative voice in my head.
It sucks,because I honestly felt like I was doing well this year,compared to last,but my mind is growing weaker,but as long as I can make a fist and mentally drown out the doubt with the drums of defiance,I will never cease to back down from anything.I know I am fighting a losing fight and I was already defeated,but I’m too stubborn to let it end with me defeating myself.

I guess I am walking a tightrope of “Should I go or Should I stay home?”lol.It’s not fun because I feel the winds of doubt swaying the rope and I’m at the tipping point.I’ll always hold on,but I fear my grip is weakening and I can’t allow this defeat.So there you have it,nonsensical rambling by the most nonsensical man in Japan.
Have a good day everyone.
Don’t lose your minds reading this

Letter

Dear,Someone

It’s been quite some time since we’ve last exchanged pleasantries.I know that could be caused by multiple circumstances and I am most understanding of that.I am writing this letter to you in the hopes of learning more about your current life(If you respond) and filling you in on my thoughts and feelings surrounding our bond.
With the introduction phase out of the way;how are you?How is your life progressing thus far?I would love to know.Don’t keep me guessing for too long,oke?

As for me,I’m doing well as usual.I got hired to work on something that I have wanted for years now!It could be considered a dream come true!I get to quit my two current jobs that i absolutely loathe and with my resignation,that disqualifies me from traveling to America for a business trip next month.I’m sorta glad,because I am terrified of flying,but missing an opportunity to travel abroad is a tad bit disappointing yo!Its life.I guess with news like that,you would say that I’m more than “well” ne?Quite opposite actually.While I am happy with the direction of my life,there is a very confusing,lingering presence that rattles me from time to time…oke oke,DAILY,dare I say.

That presence is you,if you couldn’t figure it out.I can’t get you out my mind.An endless invasion,whether its your face,name,voice,or memories we have shared.You’re always with me and it makes my heart so heavy because I know I am the only one fighting with this…hahaha.I want to know your secret,how do you simply carry on without a thought or feeling about me?How come its easy for you to forget me and everything we were,but I’m an idiot stuck remembering it all?Its kinda unfair if you think about it.I want to be like you and walk like we never happened,I want to go to bed at night like you and close my eyes and not see your beautiful face,I want to sit in my lonesome and not hear your soft voice around me,and I want to be like you in the aspect that you have no hurt feelings,no pain,no tears,no chained memories of a bond that I held so preciously.So please,share with me how to be like you lol……please.
I guess I am being overly dramatic,but that’s me ne,hehehe.I don’t know,man…..I was foolish to think we were happy,while in reality, only I was selfishly smiling and you were lonely.I have always known you were unhappy and wanted something or someone else,but I thought I could be different and make you see me,win your heart,but I wasn’t enough and I couldn’t defeat the outside noise in your heart.I couldn’t hold your hands to assure you,I couldn’t embrace you to comfort you,and I couldn’t kiss you to adore you as you rightfully deserved,but I selfishly held you.I knew it was broken since the spring,I changed my tone,my approach,my overall view of you changed,it was a living hell in my heart and my mind was chaos,but I never gave up hope that I could change your feelings.You were already gone.
After some time,everything started to make sense,I understood why you didn’t want me to be too around,or to mention us,I abided by that because it was your desire,but my heart felt like you were ashamed of me and that’s oke.I would be too lol.
I’m sorry for everything.If you had never met me,I’m sure you wouldn’t have wasted a good portion of your valuable time and you would have had something to actually be proud of.If I could rewrite time,I would,just for you.I’m so sorry.

I guess I need to wrap this up ne?Hahaha.I didn’t mean to make this too long,but you know me,J never shut up yo!…..I guess your absence is truly the worst part of my life now,but I know that it is only bad on my end,but it’s opposite on your’s,so if it’s true,this pain of missing you is mine to bear as long as you are genuinely happy.I just want you to know,no matter where I am,will go,or do,you never slip my mind nor heart.You’re such a beautiful soul,a brilliant mind,a great companion,and heart’s delight.You truly were and still is,my star in the dark skies.Please take care of yourself and be happy always.

Sincerely,Shinobu Kyosuke

Separate Sky

October used to be a month that I looked forward to with such overflowing excitement,but now,I feel nothing but hollow and disappointment.It’s just kind of ironic that last year around this time,I was beginning a business trip in America and I was in a very depressing part of my life.I mean it was so pathetic that I literally caved in to the demands of a ghost.Hahaha.Quite funny ne?
Fast forward to present time and I am not doing any better.I’m over-thinking,I’m anxiously awaiting for a presence that doesn’t recognize me,I’m over-working,and overall I feel defeated.I have no one but myself to blame,because I caved in to a ghost.This time,the ghost was a situation that I mistaken for a mutual bond.Yes,I am quite dumb.

I am sitting outside at the edge of night and wondering what does your sky view look like.It’s a bit baffling that some point in time,our skies seemed to entwine but maybe it was an illusion created by my foolish,hopeful heart.To call you,to hear you,to see you,to share our tales….it was a wonderful time to stand underneath a shared sky,or so I selfishly thought.Without physical evidence,It was nothing more than whisper on the wind ne?Sigh….I was truly selfish and I can’t begin to make it up to you.I don’t know how.The only thing I can do is fade away without a trace.It’s simple.I never existed nor meant anything anyways.Is it disappointing?Sure but it’s nothing new.I have been molded by disappointment when my innocence was stolen at a very young age.I can’t even recall a year in which I haven’t suffered some type of scar.It created me,so I guess I am used to it.
Whether it is friendship or love,it all ends up the same.The actors may change but the ending is always spot on.”You’re a good friend,Kyo but……” Or “I do love you,but…..” Aaaaaaaaaand begin the nice ways of telling me to “fuck off” or dropping hints that my presence is a bother or whatever.All it does is make me feel like I am not good enough.Which I am not.I know that all too well now and there isn’t a lie in the world that can change how I feel.
So yeah….Kyosuke is not a real enough person to be acknowledged.At least that is what my years of trying to bond with others taught.But it’s alright.It truly is.
I just wish I wouldn’t expect people to be different or try to convince me that it will be different.No,you’re all the same but with different excuses.It’s life,and with this type of life,I have lost faith in people,I just try to smile so there will be no worries.

I am only angry with myself for wasting so many people’s time.To everyone,I am truly sorry for everything.
Well,I guess I did enough “Kyo bashing” so I will go have my shower and stare at the ceiling lol.I am truly on my own in a separate sky
Ja ne

Don’t Quit Your Day Job(s)

As the title of this entry states: “Don’t quit your day job(s)” is a phrase i’ve thought i would’ve never had to seriously contemplate.I am currently working 3 jobs and I have a very chaotic time-frame daily now.It isn’t ideal for me,given my recent struggles personally,but it pays the bills and puts food on the table.How did I stumble into this mess of a workload?I have no clue lol.

I have always been a techy-type guy and a nerd culture expert lol.In my opinion,I feel I am pretty smart on nerd culture(in Japan),so it would be cool to do something with this knowledge.My last job that I actually liked had me working in a perfect setting.I was an assistant artist to a Mangaka(comic book artist/author).That job was my everything because I worked there for 8+ years and I have never felt like I was going into work,It always felt like hanging out with a really cool teacher that allows you to better your craft by being hands-on with his projects.Those were the days…….sigh.

Now I have no ties to manga,except that I draw everyday and write short stories in the hopes I strike a major idea to spark my own series,but that would required time to write,plan,edit,draw for,etc but time isn’t on my side.
I have always wanted to get in to blogging for a career.It just seems so cool to do something of that caliber and never feel bored or dreading that day because of it.If you all couldn’t tell,I love blogging and I have to limit myself to 1 entry per day in order not to overload my page lol.I just don’t know how to get started or what resources to look into.I don’t even know what my audience would be!If anyone has any advice,training,looking to hire a blogger,or just have useful tips,please feel free to comment or email me at “kyosukeshinobu@yahoo”.
All help is greatly appreciated! ❤

As for now,I won’t quit my 3 day jobs until I find something somewhere that holds my interest and I can truly thrive in!
This has been a rant by,yours truly
Kyo signing off