October used to be a month that I looked forward to with such overflowing excitement,but now,I feel nothing but hollow and disappointment.It’s just kind of ironic that last year around this time,I was beginning a business trip in America and I was in a very depressing part of my life.I mean it was so pathetic that I literally caved in to the demands of a ghost.Hahaha.Quite funny ne?
Fast forward to present time and I am not doing any better.I’m over-thinking,I’m anxiously awaiting for a presence that doesn’t recognize me,I’m over-working,and overall I feel defeated.I have no one but myself to blame,because I caved in to a ghost.This time,the ghost was a situation that I mistaken for a mutual bond.Yes,I am quite dumb.
I am sitting outside at the edge of night and wondering what does your sky view look like.It’s a bit baffling that some point in time,our skies seemed to entwine but maybe it was an illusion created by my foolish,hopeful heart.To call you,to hear you,to see you,to share our tales….it was a wonderful time to stand underneath a shared sky,or so I selfishly thought.Without physical evidence,It was nothing more than whisper on the wind ne?Sigh….I was truly selfish and I can’t begin to make it up to you.I don’t know how.The only thing I can do is fade away without a trace.It’s simple.I never existed nor meant anything anyways.Is it disappointing?Sure but it’s nothing new.I have been molded by disappointment when my innocence was stolen at a very young age.I can’t even recall a year in which I haven’t suffered some type of scar.It created me,so I guess I am used to it.
Whether it is friendship or love,it all ends up the same.The actors may change but the ending is always spot on.”You’re a good friend,Kyo but……” Or “I do love you,but…..” Aaaaaaaaaand begin the nice ways of telling me to “fuck off” or dropping hints that my presence is a bother or whatever.All it does is make me feel like I am not good enough.Which I am not.I know that all too well now and there isn’t a lie in the world that can change how I feel.
So yeah….Kyosuke is not a real enough person to be acknowledged.At least that is what my years of trying to bond with others taught.But it’s alright.It truly is.
I just wish I wouldn’t expect people to be different or try to convince me that it will be different.No,you’re all the same but with different excuses.It’s life,and with this type of life,I have lost faith in people,I just try to smile so there will be no worries.
I am only angry with myself for wasting so many people’s time.To everyone,I am truly sorry for everything.
Well,I guess I did enough “Kyo bashing” so I will go have my shower and stare at the ceiling lol.I am truly on my own in a separate sky
As the title of this entry states: “Don’t quit your day job(s)” is a phrase i’ve thought i would’ve never had to seriously contemplate.I am currently working 3 jobs and I have a very chaotic time-frame daily now.It isn’t ideal for me,given my recent struggles personally,but it pays the bills and puts food on the table.How did I stumble into this mess of a workload?I have no clue lol.
I have always been a techy-type guy and a nerd culture expert lol.In my opinion,I feel I am pretty smart on nerd culture(in Japan),so it would be cool to do something with this knowledge.My last job that I actually liked had me working in a perfect setting.I was an assistant artist to a Mangaka(comic book artist/author).That job was my everything because I worked there for 8+ years and I have never felt like I was going into work,It always felt like hanging out with a really cool teacher that allows you to better your craft by being hands-on with his projects.Those were the days…….sigh.
Now I have no ties to manga,except that I draw everyday and write short stories in the hopes I strike a major idea to spark my own series,but that would required time to write,plan,edit,draw for,etc but time isn’t on my side.
I have always wanted to get in to blogging for a career.It just seems so cool to do something of that caliber and never feel bored or dreading that day because of it.If you all couldn’t tell,I love blogging and I have to limit myself to 1 entry per day in order not to overload my page lol.I just don’t know how to get started or what resources to look into.I don’t even know what my audience would be!If anyone has any advice,training,looking to hire a blogger,or just have useful tips,please feel free to comment or email me at “kyosukeshinobu@yahoo”.
All help is greatly appreciated! ❤
As for now,I won’t quit my 3 day jobs until I find something somewhere that holds my interest and I can truly thrive in!
This has been a rant by,yours truly
Kyo signing off
Another late night post,another flood of thoughts coming to my mind.
There is this feeling inside that I can’t simply rid myself of,no matter how much I falsely smile to make others be at ease or how I verbally say “I’m fine”,I am not oke,but I have to pretend to be for the sake of others.It’s the way it’s always been.
One aspect of my life I am not shy to hide is the fact that i do suffer from depression in a great amount.The main proponent of my depression is my father’s passing.I do have a mother and other siblings but my father was the one that i could run to when things seemed heavy or i was being a brat.Mind you that I was only 14 when he died,so my struggles became all the more unbearable as I’ve aged and I couldn’t fall back on the other arms in my life.Alot are unwilling if not annoyed to always catch you when you fall.
I don’t know what my problem is recently,but I feel the need and desire have someone to fall in to.It’s selfish because if you overload someone with your issues and an overbearing/dramatic actions,you ultimately drive them away.I learned that the hard way this week.
I guess with my health the way it is and just being stressed,I feel very alone and I just want to be with people or anyone that will comfort me in their arms.It’s a selfish feeling because everyone is going through something and the last thing anyone want is to haul around someone else’s baggage.
I woke up from my nap with a sense of clarity;I don’t need anyone.I have been fine on my own thus far and I shall be ne.So to my friends,Mari,and anyone else,Im sorry for placing my weight on you.It was selfish and it will never take place again.My feelings are best bottled up,swallowed,and i be reborn with a fierce fire for life.
I will always offer my help to anyone that needs it,but please,let me walk on my own.Thank you
I CAN’T SLEEP!!!
NO I am not drinking or anything.I feel highly energetic and motivated to do so many things at once,but i’m mentally burning myself out in the process lol.Isn’t that funny!?Not a bad problem to have,in my opinion.I’m having a ton of fun at 5 in the morning,or should I say: a las cinco de la mañana.I’M LEARNING SPANISH BTW!
The video I posted is by a person/group by the name of Tommy ’86 and the song is called: “Why Did I Say Goodbye”.It’s an absolute jam to listen to,especially when you are alone and just chilling or if you just want a reason to dance!Whatever it is,it’s a damn good song!
Anyways,i have seriously started studying Spanish and I am enjoying it the more I dive into the language.I guess it helps that I am half-way decent in English,because Spanish sentence structures aren’t that different than their English counterpart.So I am grateful that I am able to pick this up so rapidly,because I want to be able to communicate with many people worldwide without barriers!I feel selfish sometimes,because I actually think I sound sexier speaking Spanish,than my native Japanese lol!Don’t ask me how or why,I’m just a baka,KING BAKA,in fact!!
I’m going to study a bit more now,because why not?!I can’t help but feel excited when I’m learning yo!The sun is slowly rising and my eyes aren’t falling at all!Bummer.Music,Candy,and Spanish til I fall yo!
P.s I added some links to the side of my page that will direct you to my personal Facebook,Twitter,and Instagram.REACH OUT TO ME,PEOPLE!!No really,you don’t have to.I’m quite shy.^-^v
There is something quite humbling about walking underneath the darkening evening skies of Tokyo after a long day of work.
For 32 years I have walked this atmosphere and for each day,the experience is still an enlightening moment.So sincere and calming,yet loud in silence and vivid in provoking thoughts.
I had my usual busy day today,working an 8-9 hour shift,and I went to this mexican restaurant named: Guzman y Gomez in Shibuya.I am glad i did because I had an amazing lunch and one of the workers recommended me a dish and i had tears of joy from every bite yo!Hahaha!I like to randomly surprise myself every now and then.
As my day comes to end,I can’t help but feel somewhat empty.No I am not sad,but it’s a form of loneliness that isn’t painful nor tear invoking,It’s just I return to my little apartment and I find myself talking to my echo vibrating off the walls.Am I going insane?Has my mental capacity broken down?Or am I missing someone?It’s more so that I am missing someone very much but I must be mindful that she is also most busy in her life currently.She is working so hard and she is succeeding at a phenomenal rate!I couldn’t be more proud.Maybe I am selfish,but that person makes me so happy when I see her face or hear her voice,so is my loneliness justified?I don’t know,But what I do know is that i miss you,Mari
I am happy whilst in my loneliness,but I’m still yearning nonetheless.
As long as she keeps giving it her all,I’ll look to these wonderful skies and convey my heart to her through the traveling winds!
There are times in which you awaken in total peace,a serenity of blissful portions,but there are those days where everything that can go wrong does go wrong.I am having one of those days,and gosh…it’s been on an epic scale!
Welcome to the storm!
Tuesday,my “peaceful” rest day away from work actually becomes the day where peace is replaced with annoyance and agitation.I don’t know why or how,but I am literally in the worst mood possible.It’s not like I had a stressful prior Monday or anything of the sort;I just wake up sometimes and feel like I shouldn’t be awake.
Don’t get me wrong,I am not emo.Those days are long gone along with the cheap hair dye,dark clothing,and nail polish.
I think I have literally woken up on the rough side of the bed.
I do want to thank my wonderful and PATIENT girlfriend,Mariana for putting up with my unpredictability and unstable attitude today.She is my foundation and my safe haven.I will talk more in depth about her in my following post.So yeah,You’re getting a “My Gf is the best gf” post because Mariana is simply that,T-H-E B-E-S-T!
Well I will go back to containing my mood with Chocolates,Kid Cudi (his latest album: “Passion,Pain,and Demon Slaying”is a great listen btw),and sketching.Why does my sketches make me hate my hands!!Ugh!
On that note,I will enter my storm and exit this rant.You all have a great day and STAY positive yo!
Until next post…
Thank you for reading
Ja ne yo!
As I sit on this train ride to work,I’ve seemed to be hit with an inspiration for a blog entry.I don’t quite understand what is so inspiring about a packed train ride to a destination i mostly spend my days,but it happens most often than not.So let me elaborate on my inspirational mood
Everyone is equipped with an original personality whether it’s welcomed or openly despised,It’s our own charm or alarm.But have you ever wondered why certain people you know are the way that they are?Do you ever catch yourself drifting ever so deeply in the spiraling questions as to how a certain personality came to be?
I will admit that I am most intrigued by human behaviour and psychology.It’s going to be a theme of my very first written title someday.But,my interest goes beyond the general consensus that; “he/she is weird,he/she is kind,or he/she is a jerk.”
Why does one act in a weird manner?Why does one carry themselves kindly?What makes that “jerk” tick?
Those are the questions I often find myself asking.Will i ever have an answer?No.Am I satisfied without having resolution?Of course!
Sometimes there are reasons for everything that are not meant to be understand.Maybe the truth isn’t always a welcomed open forum for all to be made aware of.
Privacy is a rare shelter given the age social media popularity.This post all,snap all,share all era is so vast that it is almost impossible to be quiet or reserved.There are internet personalities that thrive off the attention but most of the time,those idols are nothing more than just an “act”.
It’s very easy to pretend to be anything or anyone when you don’t have to be close to everyone who praises you from afar.
So originality is a fleeing concept.
For those that know me,I will never fail to be known as weird,maybe a jerk,maybe a oddy,maybe distant,but never forget these words; “I am who I am.There will never be a single soul able to imitate or recreate my personality”.
As for why I behave the way I do,Who knows.As far as I am concerned,My actions make me feel like me,Kyo.
Keep an open mind yo!
Don’t think too deeply about another personality unless you are ready for madness.
Welcome…yeah it’s been a long minute.Let me break it down if y’all still with it.
I am not a rapper.I was just quoting Mike Shinoda on his song “Welcome”.But anyways,WELCOME to my latest entry!
I know,i know!It’s been months since I last gave attention to my blog and I am truly sorry for the drought.Life his been a hectic ride yo!And I must say,two jobs doesn’t entitle me to much free time.Ugh!But,I still have my health and that is why I stopped complaining yo!
It’s funny,I feel like I am in one of those spring time dramas where the lead character is led to believe one element of reality but in all actuality,It’s just a familiar element tricking that lead into believing a false new element.Hahaha.
Are you confused yet!?So am I!But I have a pretty good grasp on the situation at hand and I am oe with it.Seriously,”ride the wave,Kyosuke!” is what I tell myself.Sometimes,you have to learn to not take life so seriously ne?Just whip your hair out and kick your feet up and breathe in that precious oxygen yo!Hahahahah.
Enough of my babbling.i truly missed posting here.Why?Because I just love the idea of leaving floating messages without a direct recipient.Oh what fun ne!?
Anywho,How are you all lately?2016 treating you well?How is your careers?Kids?families?
Also,To everyone whose birthdays I failed to acknowledged,I apologize and I wish you all a wonderful and successful new year in your lives.Go forth and never look back with doubt yo!
Until next post(or shall I say;)Until my next off day