Anxiously Awaiting

Good morning,bloggers and readers!
Today was supposed to be my first day of my brand new job but,due to the company obtaining my medical information,it was decided that today is not good for them,so tomorrow is the golden day.It’s pretty dumb,considering that 24 hours won’t make much of a difference.I get a free day so,woohoo!
Anyways,the topic of this post is about anxiety and how it drove me crazy the past 24 hours leading up to today.

For those of you who’s been following my blog since its creation and those recently joining me,you may or may not know that I suffer from depression and anxiety.It’s present every waking moment of my life;some days lighter and some days heavier.It has crippled me before and I never shy away from expressing how I feel because of these illnesses.With that stated,yesterday was a nervous hellscape created by my anxiety.
The impending start of my new job brought back the dreaded anxiety of starting something new,somewhere new,and with new people.I literally spent all of yesterday questioning my ability to perform the tasks assigned to me without fail and the fear of having to communicate with new people(my coworkers).I got a migraine,I broke out into a cold sweat,my stomach started cramping,and my body became so restless along with my mind.I kept eating weird combinations of food such as sushi and cookies lol….I wish I was making that up.
My anxious mind kept reminding me of all the things that could go wrong,all the wrong words I would say,and how I am not good enough for the job.I remember spending 2 hours trying to legit think of an excuse to not go into work…It’s pathetic,but anxiety is a very discouraging mountain to climb.

Here I am today,work was cancelled,I still haven’t slept,and still facing minor doses of anxiety.I feel slightly confident today going into tomorrow,but I know how quick the lights of dim confidence can shut off.So I won’t brag.
I read an article that stated that writing sometimes help combat anxiety.That I can vouch for because a lot of my posts come from times when I am feeling most anxious about something taking place in my life.I am grateful for this blog in that aspect,but I feel so bad for the poor souls that have to follow me on twitter during these anxious-filled episodes lol.
For now,I am going to read about gaming news and tips on how to become a travel blogger.After all,I am leaving Japan in 2 months for a new adventure!

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Let’s Take a Trip

Good morning everyone!
I apologize for the lack of updates lately,but I am here now and I have stuff I would like to share.So please don’t expect long posts that drag on like before.I don’t want to be annoying anymore.

Since I can’t sleep,why not blog ne?So here I am and I want to share that August 30th I’m leaving Japan once more but I’ll return October 1st!Just in time for spooky month woo!I have decided since I have a month off,I should take my daughter,Kogi
back home.It’s only fair ne.Anywho,i have my tickets booked and my hotel ready.First stop is in Puerto Vallarta since the tickets from Tokyo to there is choooooo cheap,compared to flying to Guadalajara!So let’s work on our tans before going back to Guadalajara yo!

That’s all I have to share for now.I am kinda sick right now,so I apologize if I don’t post daily.
Thank you for reading.

Eye Of The Storm

At the time of writing,it’s been about 9 hours since I’ve made the mistake of speaking my mind into the distance.Originally I had no backup plan or safety net to fall onto,except I was counting on escaping to work just in case a faint voice followed me back.I couldn’t escape to work and luckily,no voice replied.The only downside is that it gave me 9 hours to have extreme anxiety,this nervousness in the pit of my stomach,and extreme doubt that maybe I behaved too hastily.Just know that it’s not a fun time in the Shinobu house right now lol.

On top of the original mess that I’ve created,I have another dilemma that is rapidly unfolding.So you all must be aware of the age-old notion that “Japanese people never stop working”,well there is no lie in that.In fact,this Japanese currently has two jobs and is about to add two more next week for a grand total of four jobs to juggle.How is this possible?When will I have time to breathe?Is this most unhealthy?To answer those questions in order: Maybe…,No,Yes,yes it is.
I know it’s cho excessive,but I have a goal that I am working towards(?) and I did have the means to meet it,until an untimely accident left me useless and ultimately let go.My confidence and pride took a huge hit that day and I have been climbing this dangerous mountain to reach my peak.So here I am,about to be the busiest that I’ve ever been in over 12 years and I don’t know,maybe this is a distraction that I need right now….

Also,MY HEALTH SUCKS!!!!Ahahahahaha!That’s all.

As you can tell,I am currently sitting in the eye of the storm,just watching the impending chaos swirl around me,and eventually will close in,destroying everything in its once calm middle.Until that moment,I’ll be here sipping my tea and playing Super Smash Bros Special/Ultimate for the Nintendo Switch.

Small

I just need to vent today.I feel mentally exhausted,although I took my “Happy” pill today,I somehow feel so defeated right now.I just need to write with honest words.

Yesterday at work during a break,one of the people that work with me in the hospital started asking questions,personal questions.This person was so curious about my brown skin.Yes,I have very dark skinned,opposite of what you typically see in East Asian.Yup,that is me.Anyways,she kept asking if I am foreign or if it’s a tan.I replied that I am not foreign and I don’t need tans because my true skin is brown.Her eyes grew wider and questioned me after I told her I was born in Japan and that I am indeed a brown Japanese.So,like any other nosy person here,she asked about my parents and I explained my background.That led to her disputing my actual claim to Japanese identity and even said that I should think about moving to Hawaii or Korea.That suggestion wasn’t welcomed and I didn’t entertain her stupidity much longer.So I left.

All my life,I have dealt with feeling like an outsider in my homeland because of my skin and heritage.It’s honestly very annoying and frustrating,but there isn’t much I can do ne.People are just dumb.
I won’t lie,I feel so small today and I can’t stop thinking about it.My depression is literally amplifying this small feeling and I just can’t function today.I am just so angry and I am just sick of everyone right now.Sometimes I hate being in Japan…
I’m sorry for venting.
Take care.

Something More

I wanted to started this entry off with the phrase “I wake up every morning and…”,but I forgot that I actually never have to wake up,because I don’t sleep at night!Hahaha…is it oke to laugh about that?Who knows.Anywho,I just wanted to do a short entry on where my head is currently at after three therapy sessions.

Eida-san is my therapist and she is currently the only person that can tolerate and listen to my venting for an hour and a half.I apologize,Eida-san.Now that introductions are out of the way,lets get into the meat of it.
For the majority of this year,I have tried to deny a feeling and blame it on being anxious to return somewhere,but in reality,I had this feeling even when I was at my preferred location.I have tried to deny that I was extremely unhappy with myself.My unhappiness doesn’t come from current events,but rather suppressed events I tried to silence,but they rang louder than anything else in my life.With that conclusion reached,I tried to self-medicate myself by doing the method I am accustomed to,overworking myself.As months went on,I felt my depression kick in at a rapid pace and it usually reaches its peak of giving me suicidal thoughts and then vanishing,but this time it didn’t.This time I reached that peak and went beyond it.I became so scared and alone and I turned to alcohol to cope…poor decision.I was dying and I was dying for a way out.
I finally had enough and decided to get help in the form of therapy.I asked to be seen four times a week and willing to pay whatever amount is needed.I know that if I didn’t seek help,….I wouldn’t be here typing this today.The sessions themselves are daunting and scary,because I have to reminisce about past traumas,but I know that in the long-run,this will be beneficial to my mental health and overall livelihood.I am grateful to still be here.

Please,if you or someone you know is depressed or just struggling,please get help/offer help.The world is too beautiful for us to forcefully shut our eyes forever.

Bright

Hello out there.Yes,it has been quite a while since I have been present on my blog.I apologize.I just didn’t want to flood this place with my dark thoughts.Not again.So please forgive the absence.

I am personally struggling.That is the truth.My depression has gotten so much worse lately and most times I am not aware that I am living until something distracts me from myself.I am so high on the idea of freedom that I forget that I am too close to the sun and then I burn.I am spiraling to the point where I don’t want to continue,but I can’t be selfish.So I have started going to therapy again and I am hoping for something to wake me from my living nightmare.I don’t like pretending and I don’t like who I am these days.It’s a scary and lonely present and I don’t know how to fix it.
I also had my first heart attack recently and I was warned that due to my condition that I am may experience many more lol….To be frank,I am completely terrified lol.But who am I to complain ne?I am still here and that should be reason enough to smile,right?….I am doing my best.

As long as I am breathing,I’ll continue to work towards a somewhat bright tomorrow and hope that I can feel the warmth of that victorious day.
Thank you for reading.

Spot The Difference

おっはー皆さん!I slept for like 2 hours and I feel like poop.That’s all besides the point today.
Has anyone noticed the ongoing blackout to the social media sites/apps Facebook and Instagram?Of course you have!Everyone and their unborn kids are on those apps.Also,Whatsapp users are affected too,thanks to being bought out by Facebook some time ago tsk tsk…Anyways,users of any of those platforms have been unable to log in,refresh their feed,or post memes.
Memes is literally why this post is being written so early in the morning.

When I was in Mexico awhile ago,I had an interesting conversation with my roommate about how the concept of memes aren’t understood in Japan.It’s basically lost in translation or just confusing.We reached that discussion while watching an interracial couple’s YouTube channel that was explaining how cultural differences effect Japan’s internet humour opposite of western internet humour.
Japanese humour is pretty weird to explain to someone who hasn’t been born here or exposed to the nuisances of the language/culture.The simplest way to sum it up is child-like,don’t-be-a-dumbass,sometimes perverted humour.It’s not so easy to explain,therefore I suggest finding videos of Japanese variety shows that spotlight such behaviours.
Then there is western humour.Western humour is literally like this: I’m in your face,mocking you and I don’t give a fuck if you’re offended.I’m laughing my ass off!That is how I view the West’s humour and memes.It’s just so literal and dumb at times and it’s hilarious.I used to sit with my friends at a cafe in Shinjuku and I would scroll memes on Instagram and I would die of laughter.My friends would ask what I was laughing at and I showed them the memes and none of them found it funny.So if you travel to japan and you’re from the west,don’t be offended if Japanese don’t laugh/understand your jokes.

This isn’t to say that all Japanese are inept to understanding the concept of memeing,because the youth are learning English and studying western mannerisms.I learned English very early in my life and I have tons of western friends,thus understanding their internet humour came easy to me.Maybe memes will finally catch on here or maybe not.In any case,it was just an interesting topic I had in Mexico and the socal media blackout reminded me of that.
Look at the photo that I attached.The left side is Japanese Twitter reacting to the shutdown and the right is the West(US,Mexico,etc) reacting.Japan is seriously reporting about the blackout and the west is memeing the whole ordeal.It has been quite hilarious that everyone ran to Twitter to get the news lol.

Letters From China

Starting today,I officially have 2 months off from work and you know what that means right???PAR-TAY!!!Wait…..NO!It means that it’s time to think about everything!Yeah…. free time and I have a very complex affair going on and it always starts,middles,and ends with me thinking about myself,the world,and what could’ve been.It’s boarding on insanity at this point,which is WHY I prefer to work forever than to be left with my thoughts.
Such is the case now,I exercised this morning,had my cup of tea,played some music,and then I saw an old drawing.One I haven’t seen in years and with that sight,I thought about something: My high school sweetheart!

I know it’s silly to talk or think about high school anything.Worst times of our lives ne?Acne,raging hormones,figuring out where we belong amongst our peers,and homework…. dreaded homework!I didn’t plan to think about this,but I recently read an article about coping with heartache(it’s not what you think.I love reading others’ opinions on a variety of topics).The writer encouraged any hurt person(s) to not look back on the bad times in a relationship,but relish the good times.That aligns with my general beliefs whenever someone lets me down or I lose faith in people.I try to think about their positive impacts on me,rather than the ill effects.Nonetheless,it made me gauge my overall love life and I will admit,the last 7 years have been a slaughter-fest lol!Don’t worry,I am not going around murdering my lovers,I am talking about me.I have poor taste in women and it’s evident,because for almost 7 years,I have been putting my heart on for display to these people and they tossed it wherever wasn’t in their sights lol.It’s fine,life goes on.But yeah…. it’s kinda sad.
Anyways,I was trying to think of a positive one and it goes all the way back into my high school years.Like I said… SAD!!

Ming-Na Li.I address you by name because since junior high,you have always watched over me and that continues to this very day.I don’t know how you found my blog,but I appreciate your commitment.

Ming-Na Li was my high school sweetheart and we dated for a year and 4 months.I am not going to bore you to death over specifics,but in one year at such a young age,I was exposed to pure love that I haven’t been able to find in my adult life.I have given up on being purely loved,but that is not the point here.Today,I recollected on my time with this person and how she was instrumental in my development even til this day.
We got paired together in a Chemistry class(Ha!Guess who got a degree in Biochemistry and why!?lol),because my sensei feared I was the dumbest student in his room,So Li was stuck with me.I was difficult to work with and to understand,because I was cho angsty and emo.Li was shy,quiet,and hyper intelligent.So the clashes of personality were already planted without us ever speaking.In the beginning,I would ignore her lectures and talks,so to shut her up,I would steal her glasses and wear them lol.I am very tall and she is like smurf,I would stand up and challenge her to take her eyewear if she could.Li,being a smart worker,punched me in the gut and that lowered my head enough for her to retrieve her glasses.JERK!
As time went on,I began to follow her lead,I studied hard,and my grades reflected that.My sensei was so impressed that he advanced Li from the class and he never called me Shinobaka-kun ever again.It’s not like any of it mattered,I was missing Li’s company,whom I grew very fond of,but didn’t have the courage to admit it.
Lunch time,I would go sit under a tree in the school grounds,just thinking about how much I really hate chemistry,and Li popped out of nowhere to join me!It was one of the rare times that I smiled as a teen…. seriously.For a year,we shared that tree for lunch time and we would talk about our goals for the future.Li wanted to be a teacher all over the world and help children in need; I wanted to be a pro wrestler,although I have zero muscle mass and I wanted to be a mangaka.During one of our final lunches together (unbeknownst to us),Li made me promise that we would study chemistry together in college,but I scoffed at that idea because I didn’t want to go to college,but I agreed just to see her smile.
I remember it so well,on a Tuesday night in February,Li called my family phone and informed me that she would be moving back to China with her family.Wednesday would be her departure date and my heart broke in countless pieces,I cried silently,but I told her I was coming to talk to her stupid dad in the hopes to change his mind.Dumbass me,I rode my bike all the way to her home,harshly knocked on their door,her father answered,I bowed deeply,and begged him to reconsider leaving Tokyo.Li saw me,but did speak a word and then her father just said “sorry” and close the door.
I didn’t sleep at all that night,I hatched a plan to get to the airport to see Li one final time.I took the earliest train to get me to Narita airport and I ran inside with my swollen tired eyes and messy hair.My eyes scanned everywhere for the sight of my short person of interest.I started to swell up with tears because I couldn’t find her,then suddenly I recognized her pale skin and black silky hair tied up in her usual fashion.I ran so fast to the check in lines,i crawled underneath the separating barrier and I hugged her tight.She was in disbelief that some weird guy suddenly grasped her,and then she started crying and hugged me back.Her parents finished checking in,so they had to hurry,but I made sure to expose my true heart to her.I promised her that I would become a top 30 student in my entrance exams(I did),I promised I would work harder to move to China (Didn’t happen),I would make sure we attend college together (nope),and I would get a degree in Chemistry like we promised(I did).Before She let go of our final hug,I told her that I loved her…. 14 year old me saying that and she replied the same.Finally,after letting her words sink in,I watched her disappear into the crowds and our connection was lost for 16 years.

At age 14,I probably met the only person that would have ever loved me in a way that came from the heart.Ming-Na Li,thank you for being patience with this baka and thank you for stalking my blog!!Also,Thank you for the millions of letters that I NEVER received because you forgot my address all those years lol!

Thanks for reading

Something Missing

This drawing is something I had fun with,but it also breaks my heart.No,the line work was completed months ago,but the colouring aspect is what cues the feelings.I know these statements are baffling,but I shall illuminate the cause of my wording.

Yesterday,for the first time in months that I’ve spent more than an hour in a home that wasn’t my own.I spent the day with my new friend and she encouraged me to bring my laptop to her place,so that we could work together.I insisted that I like to draw/colour alone,but you persisted and I just caved.So I set up my laptop,opening the colourless line art,and she suddenly asked about the back-story of this character.No one has asked me about stuff regarding my art in years,so I was taken aback.She quickly caught on that the drawing was me,but she wondered why I wanted to be alone to fill myself with colour.She wondered why I don’t “shine” as it suggest in the name of the drawing.She wondered why I am self-secluded and cold.I paused and ceased my colouring.I clenched my teeth,made sounds but words weren’t found,and I lowered my head.She asked why am I hiding my heart from everyone.I couldn’t hold my tears back and I lost control of my emotions.
Since April,I have been experiencing so much heartache,so much pain,so much disappointment,betrayal,just overall feeling like no one gave a damn about me or like my life was a joke.I put on a fake smile,I pretended I was fine,and I limited my interaction with everyone,until everyone forgot about me.I have truly been alone…..until now.She has only known me for 2 weeks and she has made me face what I have been running from since the Spring…. my broken heart.
I couldn’t negate the tears from falling and sat in front of me,lift my head up,told me it’s ok to be sad,because a good heart can never be truly broken.”Cry and clear your vision once more.Look elsewhere and find yourself.”I opened my eyes to stare at her,she smiled,left,and came back with beer for us both.Hahaha I then found the strength to finish colouring and she sat to watch me for 5 hours.I am so serious lol.

The point of this story is,I have been lying to myself about how I feel and I was faced with my true heart yesterday.It doesn’t feel good,but I guess my broken path starts now.
This drawing will always be a reminder of the day I finally acknowledged my true feelings.Thank you.

It’s The Final Countdown

Do you know what today is!?Today is 1st of August,which means that in a mere 16 days I will be on a plane and heading back to Guadalajara,México!I can’t believe how quickly the time from April 12th and August 17th went by.It’s almost as if I was asleep during my time here in Tokyo and I have awaken from my slumber and it is nearly time to leave again.It’s pretty exciting…..but also extremely stressful.My first trip was heading into the great unknown and that had me drooling at the mouth with wonder.This time,I know what I am going into and it’s like a different energy.It’s not bad nor is it good,it’s an awkward energy,mostly on my behalf.
Anyways,I am excited,nonetheless!I can’t wait to have REAL tacos,delicious Tequila sunrise(I haven’t had one since Puerto Vallarta!),and just soak in the culture!Lets hope I study enough Español to survive on my own ne?lol.I have been slacking the last week,because I felt down,but I can utilize these 2 weeks to get familiar with the language!Now begins the final countdown to a polarizing trip!LETS GOOOOO!