Letters From China

Starting today,I officially have 2 months off from work and you know what that means right???PAR-TAY!!!Wait…..NO!It means that it’s time to think about everything!Yeah…. free time and I have a very complex affair going on and it always starts,middles,and ends with me thinking about myself,the world,and what could’ve been.It’s boarding on insanity at this point,which is WHY I prefer to work forever than to be left with my thoughts.
Such is the case now,I exercised this morning,had my cup of tea,played some music,and then I saw an old drawing.One I haven’t seen in years and with that sight,I thought about something: My high school sweetheart!

I know it’s silly to talk or think about high school anything.Worst times of our lives ne?Acne,raging hormones,figuring out where we belong amongst our peers,and homework…. dreaded homework!I didn’t plan to think about this,but I recently read an article about coping with heartache(it’s not what you think.I love reading others’ opinions on a variety of topics).The writer encouraged any hurt person(s) to not look back on the bad times in a relationship,but relish the good times.That aligns with my general beliefs whenever someone lets me down or I lose faith in people.I try to think about their positive impacts on me,rather than the ill effects.Nonetheless,it made me gauge my overall love life and I will admit,the last 7 years have been a slaughter-fest lol!Don’t worry,I am not going around murdering my lovers,I am talking about me.I have poor taste in women and it’s evident,because for almost 7 years,I have been putting my heart on for display to these people and they tossed it wherever wasn’t in their sights lol.It’s fine,life goes on.But yeah…. it’s kinda sad.
Anyways,I was trying to think of a positive one and it goes all the way back into my high school years.Like I said… SAD!!

Ming-Na Li.I address you by name because since junior high,you have always watched over me and that continues to this very day.I don’t know how you found my blog,but I appreciate your commitment.

Ming-Na Li was my high school sweetheart and we dated for a year and 4 months.I am not going to bore you to death over specifics,but in one year at such a young age,I was exposed to pure love that I haven’t been able to find in my adult life.I have given up on being purely loved,but that is not the point here.Today,I recollected on my time with this person and how she was instrumental in my development even til this day.
We got paired together in a Chemistry class(Ha!Guess who got a degree in Biochemistry and why!?lol),because my sensei feared I was the dumbest student in his room,So Li was stuck with me.I was difficult to work with and to understand,because I was cho angsty and emo.Li was shy,quiet,and hyper intelligent.So the clashes of personality were already planted without us ever speaking.In the beginning,I would ignore her lectures and talks,so to shut her up,I would steal her glasses and wear them lol.I am very tall and she is like smurf,I would stand up and challenge her to take her eyewear if she could.Li,being a smart worker,punched me in the gut and that lowered my head enough for her to retrieve her glasses.JERK!
As time went on,I began to follow her lead,I studied hard,and my grades reflected that.My sensei was so impressed that he advanced Li from the class and he never called me Shinobaka-kun ever again.It’s not like any of it mattered,I was missing Li’s company,whom I grew very fond of,but didn’t have the courage to admit it.
Lunch time,I would go sit under a tree in the school grounds,just thinking about how much I really hate chemistry,and Li popped out of nowhere to join me!It was one of the rare times that I smiled as a teen…. seriously.For a year,we shared that tree for lunch time and we would talk about our goals for the future.Li wanted to be a teacher all over the world and help children in need; I wanted to be a pro wrestler,although I have zero muscle mass and I wanted to be a mangaka.During one of our final lunches together (unbeknownst to us),Li made me promise that we would study chemistry together in college,but I scoffed at that idea because I didn’t want to go to college,but I agreed just to see her smile.
I remember it so well,on a Tuesday night in February,Li called my family phone and informed me that she would be moving back to China with her family.Wednesday would be her departure date and my heart broke in countless pieces,I cried silently,but I told her I was coming to talk to her stupid dad in the hopes to change his mind.Dumbass me,I rode my bike all the way to her home,harshly knocked on their door,her father answered,I bowed deeply,and begged him to reconsider leaving Tokyo.Li saw me,but did speak a word and then her father just said “sorry” and close the door.
I didn’t sleep at all that night,I hatched a plan to get to the airport to see Li one final time.I took the earliest train to get me to Narita airport and I ran inside with my swollen tired eyes and messy hair.My eyes scanned everywhere for the sight of my short person of interest.I started to swell up with tears because I couldn’t find her,then suddenly I recognized her pale skin and black silky hair tied up in her usual fashion.I ran so fast to the check in lines,i crawled underneath the separating barrier and I hugged her tight.She was in disbelief that some weird guy suddenly grasped her,and then she started crying and hugged me back.Her parents finished checking in,so they had to hurry,but I made sure to expose my true heart to her.I promised her that I would become a top 30 student in my entrance exams(I did),I promised I would work harder to move to China (Didn’t happen),I would make sure we attend college together (nope),and I would get a degree in Chemistry like we promised(I did).Before She let go of our final hug,I told her that I loved her…. 14 year old me saying that and she replied the same.Finally,after letting her words sink in,I watched her disappear into the crowds and our connection was lost for 16 years.

At age 14,I probably met the only person that would have ever loved me in a way that came from the heart.Ming-Na Li,thank you for being patience with this baka and thank you for stalking my blog!!Also,Thank you for the millions of letters that I NEVER received because you forgot my address all those years lol!

Thanks for reading

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Something Missing

This drawing is something I had fun with,but it also breaks my heart.No,the line work was completed months ago,but the colouring aspect is what cues the feelings.I know these statements are baffling,but I shall illuminate the cause of my wording.

Yesterday,for the first time in months that I’ve spent more than an hour in a home that wasn’t my own.I spent the day with my new friend and she encouraged me to bring my laptop to her place,so that we could work together.I insisted that I like to draw/colour alone,but you persisted and I just caved.So I set up my laptop,opening the colourless line art,and she suddenly asked about the back-story of this character.No one has asked me about stuff regarding my art in years,so I was taken aback.She quickly caught on that the drawing was me,but she wondered why I wanted to be alone to fill myself with colour.She wondered why I don’t “shine” as it suggest in the name of the drawing.She wondered why I am self-secluded and cold.I paused and ceased my colouring.I clenched my teeth,made sounds but words weren’t found,and I lowered my head.She asked why am I hiding my heart from everyone.I couldn’t hold my tears back and I lost control of my emotions.
Since April,I have been experiencing so much heartache,so much pain,so much disappointment,betrayal,just overall feeling like no one gave a damn about me or like my life was a joke.I put on a fake smile,I pretended I was fine,and I limited my interaction with everyone,until everyone forgot about me.I have truly been alone…..until now.She has only known me for 2 weeks and she has made me face what I have been running from since the Spring…. my broken heart.
I couldn’t negate the tears from falling and sat in front of me,lift my head up,told me it’s ok to be sad,because a good heart can never be truly broken.”Cry and clear your vision once more.Look elsewhere and find yourself.”I opened my eyes to stare at her,she smiled,left,and came back with beer for us both.Hahaha I then found the strength to finish colouring and she sat to watch me for 5 hours.I am so serious lol.

The point of this story is,I have been lying to myself about how I feel and I was faced with my true heart yesterday.It doesn’t feel good,but I guess my broken path starts now.
This drawing will always be a reminder of the day I finally acknowledged my true feelings.Thank you.

It’s The Final Countdown

Do you know what today is!?Today is 1st of August,which means that in a mere 16 days I will be on a plane and heading back to Guadalajara,México!I can’t believe how quickly the time from April 12th and August 17th went by.It’s almost as if I was asleep during my time here in Tokyo and I have awaken from my slumber and it is nearly time to leave again.It’s pretty exciting…..but also extremely stressful.My first trip was heading into the great unknown and that had me drooling at the mouth with wonder.This time,I know what I am going into and it’s like a different energy.It’s not bad nor is it good,it’s an awkward energy,mostly on my behalf.
Anyways,I am excited,nonetheless!I can’t wait to have REAL tacos,delicious Tequila sunrise(I haven’t had one since Puerto Vallarta!),and just soak in the culture!Lets hope I study enough Español to survive on my own ne?lol.I have been slacking the last week,because I felt down,but I can utilize these 2 weeks to get familiar with the language!Now begins the final countdown to a polarizing trip!LETS GOOOOO!

Disappointment

Ohayou world!
I am grateful I am still able to say that.On the note of being “grateful”,I want to extend my gratitude to my followers.Yesterday,I had about 5 new bloggers follow me and it honestly moved me to the point of stunned silence.I am not a good writer,my grammar is horrendous,and I am boring/emo lol.The fact that I attracted 93 people to my blog is still something out of my dreams!I am so grateful to everyone who has stuck around with me through my journey and to those just joining,welcome aboard!Thank you all so very much!

On the topic of being “grateful” this morning,there exist a dark reason why I said that.I was so close from not being fortunate enough to put out this post explaining this.I hate that this portion of the post exist.It’s difficult to really sum up or put into words,I guess what I am trying to say is… I gave into a dark request and I was giving up.I was so far in my own head that my heart became poisoned with my hopelessness and I just couldn’t resist it anymore.I am truly ashamed of those actions from 2 nights ago and I am truly disappointed in myself currently.
I don’t understand my heart right now and I can’t trust my head,all I have left is path I forged alone with the idea of happiness at the end.I guess I tricked myself into believing I was happy,but I knew better.I have a saying that goes like: “When you’re happy and content,don’t be,because it will all come crashing down” and sure enough.. I landed on my ass and I haven’t had the will to stand up since lol.
I don’t want to lie…I’m deeply sad now and I have been for awhile.I don’t feel anything to express those emotions but I am dying inside and it sucks.I guess some are made to suffer for being kind ne.I hate myself at times lol.

Thanks for reading.

Restless Eyes

It is currently 7am on a Sunday morning and I have been stuck in bed,staring at my ceiling as it was illuminated by the moon and finally the sun beamed in… I have been in bed since 11:53pm Saturday night and I haven’t had a minute of sleep lol.It’s actually a recurring issue I am having lately.I become tired and I start convincing my mind and body that it’s time for a recharge,but as soon as I get in bed,my mind runs rampant with thoughts and questions and I just give up on trying to sleep.
Alot has drastically changed in my life since April and alot of it has been gut-wrenching events.I have been to therapy,I have turned back to yoga daily,I have tried escaping through music (Not a great idea since the context of my favourite songs are about heartbreak and misfortune lol),I do meditation,and I try to look on the bright side things…. all for naught.I have been awake for 75 hours currently!My mind is my greatest enemy and it’s forcing me to recall all the bad things during the times I should be drifting away peacefully…but even “peace” is a foreign concept to me.Sigh…
Anyways,I guess I need to get up and prepare for my day.Got to study more español!Have to be ready to order my own food,ask directions,and flirt(lol just kidding).
Thank you for reading

Away I Go!

In less than 4 weeks,I will be making my anticipated return to México!I am cho excited about it and the realization that august 17th is almost here keeps me up at night!Woooo!Hahaha…so yeah that will definitely be something interesting for more reasons than one.
I was actually going to spend the day with my friend for her birthday,but who knows how plans may change ne.I am still going to bring her gifts whether she wants them or not yo!Hahaha I will hold my breath if she doesn’t accept them!Kidding..i’m dramatic but not that extreme yo!I’ll do my best to get a smile out if her on that day,although things are icy between us,Gotta keep the bond warm somehow ne.So yeah….after that,I don’t know if I should stick around after her bday or go straight back to tokyo…lol.That’s actually my dilemma right now,so I have just been researching places to hang out at night.Yes,I am a night owl and I am crazy lol.I have to find a new reason to stay.
Anyways,thank you for reading my post and looking at my drawing that forced onto your eyes.

Good(?) Morning

おはよう!Good morning!Buenos días!
I woke up and I don’t feel good…That’s alright.I feel like the world is falling apart and that is alright.I feel unloved and that’s alright.I feel sad and defeated…that’s alright.
Depression is a leech and it is sucking the life out of me.I am not ready to give up by no means.I just acknowledged that it’s ok to not be ok everyday.
I am living a repeat of last year and it is EXACTLY like last year lol.Just some alterations to things,but this depressed boy is still walking,no matter how slow,I am still going!I survived it last year and I will do it again!

Para Ti

“Can you count all the stars?”
Sharing the same sky,yet the sun illuminates my path,whilst the moonlight guides you to rest.It wasn’t always this way,especially not a few months ago,but that time has come and gone.So far apart,finally united,and apart again.Such a cruel twist of fate ne?At least that’s how I felt from the moment of departure and how I currently feeling daily.
Simply trying to recapture those feelings alone isn’t easy and it’s torture,honestly.
I just want to get this out my head.Bear with me.

Not trying to be dramatic nor cheesy,but have you ever been around someone that makes you feel free?Someone that allows you to expose your flaws and still love you for who you are?Have you ever met someone who made you go the distance for them?I have and it was magical in every sense of the word.
As everyone knows me,I am one with my famous mask,but this person knows me without it and she was the only one I felt comfortable around without it.Yes,it’s a big deal for me.I was vulnerable and yet felt so safe,I was scared and yet so encouraged,and i was so uncertain,but she put it all to rest.For that,I truly thank you.

I know lately I have been entranced in my own world,clouded by guilt and sorrow;I forgot to tell you how much you mean to me.There were times when I felt like giving up,but If something is truly precious to you,you fight hard and endure for that precious reason.I am holding on and I am going to see you again.I will tell you soon enough how I feel and it will only be for your ears only.Forgive me for not saying it lately; I love you truly,my special someone.

Hello There!

You see that weird,half-face baka?That’s me!Well I thought about updating my “about” section,but I’m far too lazy to boot up my laptop,so why not make a quick post about it.

For those of you that don’t know by now,my name is Shinobu Kyosuke or just simply,Kyo.
Everything I write here is either an opinion of my own,an experience or event I have gone through,and original content all of my own.If you couldn’t put the pieces together already,I suffer from depression and anxiety,thus the majority of my post has those undertones to them.I would say “I am sorry” but I thought about it…why should I apologize for suffering and not being ok?Haha…Insanity ne?
I was asked what was the purpose for my blog and I will tell you right from the start,it’s not for monetary gain nor popularity.I blog because I have a voice,a mind full of cries,and a heart reaching out,but the ones i consider close are always making sure they are just out of reach.For people like me,everyone will shout “get help!Talk to someone!Reach out!”,but when you try to do it with the so-called “advisors” they all shy away and push you off on others.I get it,depression is something no one wants to deal with,certainly I would choose not to deal with it,but I’m stuck with it.For the reason of being silenced and forced to confront it head-on,I decided to blog about my life.Maybe there’s someone out there who thinks they don’t fit in anywhere,someone who isn’t ok,but would like to feel something normal for once,or just someone who needs a reminder that you aren’t/and don’t have to go through hard times alone.That is the purpose of my blog.I am imperfection,I am mistakes,I am failure,and I am not ok,but that’s ok.I just want to chronicle my life and hope that my story inspires others to reach out or to feel and understand that there is a half-face baka out there just like them and they know they have someone to talk to.

On that note,I would like to thank everyone that reads my blog,stop by,comment,fav,share,follow my blog.I am truly humbled and grateful beyond words.I think I am up to 81 followers and to me,that is insane!I’M NOT INTERESTING AT ALL LOL!Thank you all so much

Jiyuu

As you know by now,I am going through therapy to help me cope with a deep loss that has impacted me drastically these past few months.My therapist asked what are some things that I find enjoyable and I replied that I like writing.He suggested that I write down how my progression through this event is ever-changing.So I thought I’d give it a shot ne.

It’s been a month and few days since that dark day and ever since,the light of the universal sun has seemed to become distant.I feel better emotionally,although I struggle at times to understand why I am fine and why I feel a deep loneliness.I can understand the latter but the former is strikingly odd.I get along my days just fine…I guess.I wake up,i prepare for my job,I complete my tasks,I text my girlfriend,and I call it a day.There isn’t anything interesting about me,besides the mystery of how I am holding it all together,while seemingly ready to burst at the seams.I don’t feel sad,happy,excited,scared,nor anything else for that matter.I feel often times that I have no one to confide in nor a home to turn to.I guess that’s a part of the loneliness that has a grip over me now.
My therapist has tasked me with talking about my feelings to people whom I trust,but I don’t know where to turn…haha…So as for that task,I am solidly failing and thus,my feelings remains a bottled up mystery.

I like to believe I am healing,but at the same time,I question why I am healing so rapidly?Have I lost my heart?