Counting Days

This isn’t going to be a very lengthy post,so I apologize for my short words.

I don’t want to get into specifics or anything,but I will just say it; I’m sick.Very sick lol.I never wanted to talk about it nor even think about it,but I guess I should make it somewhat known now,before I won’t have the chance.
These last few weeks have literally been hell.No,I am not referring to my last post,but health-wise,I have been struggling.The feeling of forcefully escaping oneself is agony and I feel that way currently.I guess my struggle is why I am trying desperately to enjoy my life with every ounce of energy in me.I don’t want to miss anything and I already feel like I am missing the world.I have grown so far detached from everything and everyone that it’s almost darkness at every turn.Now I find myself counting days and singing songs in my head for comfort.”Just hold on for a little while longer” is how I motivate myself to start the day.Pretty dumb ne?lol.
Well I am going to lie down and preserve my energy and my head is going to explode lol.Anyways,don’t waste any moment.Cherish everything yo!

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Mi Piel

I have lived in Tokyo,Japan for 33 years,I consider this place my homeland,I went to school here,I partake in Japanese holidays,I respect the japanese culture and land … I am japanese.
I was born in Chiyodaku,Tokyo,Japan and I speak fluent Japanese.”And your point is?” Most of you may be asking yourselves.Well,my point is,although I get on as regular japanese do in everyday life here,it doesn’t stop the stares of unfamiliarity of other japanese when gazed upon me.The wordless expressions on their faces pose the question, “Where is he from?” Truth be told,onlookers,I am from Tokyo,Japan.

To make sense of the reason behind their stares and questions,I shall shed light on the subject.I was born to a Korean mother and Polynesian/Japanese father,therefore I am a mixed blood Japanese person and it shows lol.My mother was tall,thin,very white skin,and looked like a typical South Korean.My father is the assortment bag of candy(as I like to refer to him).He didn’t look anything like a Japanese at all.Very dark skin,pretty tall,he had long wavy hair,and he had asian eyes.The eyes and his Japanese fluency were the only Japanese things about him.
I was the last born of their 4 children and out of the other 3,I was the one to inherit my father’s traits,minus the wavy hair.I got my mother’s hair,but that was ruined due to an ill-taken trip to the salon lol.
Anyways,You have a tall,dark skinned guy speaking Japanese,and living in Japan.. he must be a visitor,no?NO!!I am the product of a creative blend or that’s at least what I have told myself for as long as I was made aware that I wasn’t “pure” like the others in society.
Because of my dark brown skin,I have been shamed,outcast,and I have been targeted by bullies in my youth.I grew to hate myself and I resented Japanese people because of the way I was made to feel ugly and unwanted.I was a hateful youth because of those experiences,but I grew to understand that my difference from what is consider the “norm” granted me a crossover appeal to many different people worldwide.My hatred,anger,and resentment melted away and I learned to forgive those that bear no knowledge of the unknown to them.I just try to educate people that we may look different,but it doesn’t make me any less Japanese than them.
Someone I once dated said to me, “You should love yourself more.Because of the way you are,your heart is unlocked and can understand the importance of differences in this world that the majority of people can’t grasp.”I have always carried those words with me everyday and I am forever grateful for them.Differences really do paint the world in a beautiful colour.

No matter how you look,if your spirit is the same,therefore you are.I may look slightly different,but I am 100% japanese!
Be proud of your differences and shine for the world to see!

Restless Eyes

It is currently 7am on a Sunday morning and I have been stuck in bed,staring at my ceiling as it was illuminated by the moon and finally the sun beamed in… I have been in bed since 11:53pm Saturday night and I haven’t had a minute of sleep lol.It’s actually a recurring issue I am having lately.I become tired and I start convincing my mind and body that it’s time for a recharge,but as soon as I get in bed,my mind runs rampant with thoughts and questions and I just give up on trying to sleep.
Alot has drastically changed in my life since April and alot of it has been gut-wrenching events.I have been to therapy,I have turned back to yoga daily,I have tried escaping through music (Not a great idea since the context of my favourite songs are about heartbreak and misfortune lol),I do meditation,and I try to look on the bright side things…. all for naught.I have been awake for 75 hours currently!My mind is my greatest enemy and it’s forcing me to recall all the bad things during the times I should be drifting away peacefully…but even “peace” is a foreign concept to me.Sigh…
Anyways,I guess I need to get up and prepare for my day.Got to study more español!Have to be ready to order my own food,ask directions,and flirt(lol just kidding).
Thank you for reading

Update 2017/11/04

Happy November,everyone!
I know my blog has been quiet.Im not good at being a consistent blogger due to work and my current mental state.Work is work which sucks hardcore bananas,but my dead weight currently is my unstable mind and trying to fake being “alright”.
Forgive me,everyone.I will expand on it later and I will be back soon.
Your patience is most appreciated.
Thank you

Days

“Float all over the world just to see her again, and I won’t show or feel any pain
Even though all my armor might rust in the rain”
Those are lyrics to the song: “Up with the birds” by “Coldplay”.I don’t understand why song lyrics are popping out and relating to my pathetic situation now!!It’s quite funny though.That set lyrics describe a situation that i find myself in and I’m preparing my “armour” to definitely rust in the rain when i get there.lol.Cheers to spending New Years alone,kanpai yo!I’m screwed lol.

Happy September,everyone!
My father had a philosophy for new months.He believed that if you start the first day of the month with a smile,dancing soul,and giving heart,the month would be generous to you.I followed that my entire life,but this month….I realized that I haven’t slept in 4 days,been bawling my eyes out,and just disconnected from everyone and everything.Sorry dad,I suck this month.
Back to the subject of sleep,I slept a grand total of 6 minutes in the last 4 days yo!I know this because it happened earlier this morning because I had a dream that The lady I like,myself,and my mom(i don’t know why she was there) were talking outside a grocery store about our situation and the lady I like was going to explain something important to me,but my mother pulled me away.All I could remember was the lady’s sad face.It’s haunting.I really hope you aren’t really wearing a frown.Please SMILE!Let me take all of this yo!
Point is….I’m mentally,physically,and emotionally exhausted,therefore I am a zombie!

I will keep my mind busy by studying Spanish.That’s right,Japanese Kyo will soon morph into Mexican Kyou!!lol.Wish me luck.

Thank you for reading