I know that the last time I posted was about 3 weeks ago and I was in Puerto Vallarta with no wifi.It was rough!I am safe and sound back in Guadalajara and I just want to talk openly for a little while.
Please forgive the rambling.
The human heart is weird,like REALLY weird!I have always believed that there existed 2 hearts,one as your organ and the other for unexplained emotions.This post is going to highlight how my second heart has made my second stint in Mexico a nightmare.
I don’t think I have mentioned or if I ever wanted to,but my return visit to Mexico wasn’t necessarily the most emotionally rational idea that I have in some time.I mean,I am ridiculous in every sense of the word,but coming back here without a proper reason nor proper place was just idiotic.I’ll tell you,no one feels more like the world’s biggest idiot than me right now.The moment I stepped off my Interjet plane and made contact with Guadalajara’s soil,my heart began it’s wandering.”What to do?Where to go?Whom to trust?Why can’t I forget?” Those were the questions pumping my foolish endeavour in this country once more.No,I wasn’t simply a tourist,because I felt like a man on a mission to uphold a promise made in April.A promise that was less sweet than it previously was when the words came about.Things went dark for me emotionally in the time in between trips and that was my fault.I wasn’t as hopeful nor happy as I was when I initially made the plan to return.
Fast forward to 2 months later and my heart has wandered so far that I am probably the most unhappy I’ve been in a long while.My heart led me away from the task of a 1 week visit,it led me down a dark emotional tunnel,it left me confused,it’s made me say things I would’ve never said at any point in my life,it’s made me feel like my breakdowns are making me emotionally abusive,It’s made me conceal myself in a lonely room all day long,it’s left me in a country unknown to me with no money,and I am left all alone because of my silly wandering heart.
I don’t feel safe,I don’t feel happy,I don’t feel loved,I don’t belong,and I am scared.I am lost and confused and it’s truly all my fault for thinking that I could be much more just because my heart led me to believe that there was something for me to fight for.I am ashamed.This is the end.
Have you ever stepped into unfamiliar territory?Have you ever took on a task outside of your skill set?Have you ever felt a fear unlike anything before?Well…I am currently experiencing all of this presently.
I have currently signed on to a new career that has me completely outside of my comfort zone,my skills aren’t remotely on par for this job,and I will be honest,I am literally shaking to my core.
I am currently afraid that I am not good enough to even start this task.I am severely doubting myself and I am physically making myself ill.I despise waking up every morning and I dread the drive to work.I am currently in America by the way lol.Yikes!
You know where and what fear is?Fear is self manifested and it comes from within.When you doubt yourself,those “i can’t” phrases become real.You become crippled by your own nonsense.It’s haunting.But you know what?You CAN do anything if you believe in yourself.Slowly but surely,I am convinced that i can do this.I can conquer all.I just have to defeat myself,Fear.
Hands offer comfort,assistance,and stability
Hands heal,feed,and nurture….
Your hands took,soiled,and damaged my life
Consistently taking away my ability to function in life with fear of being trash,whore,or the unworthy to walk amongst the pure in society.I fear the memories of a cold past that is stripping me of my present sanity,I fear the whispers of that voice spoken hauntingly into the silent unforgettable night’s atmosphere,and I fear your cold fingertips piercing and removing what little stability I had left.
Running so far away,but I don’t know my destination.Physically removed from my life,but I run from a monster unseen.I run away from myself because you embedded your print of fear onto my life permanently.
Poisoned memories sicken me at night and causing me to shy away from living my life as normal.Difficulties to understand what is real and who is real….Shunned and confused are the ones forced to surround me.Your poisonous touch you caressed my body with has made me regret to even live these years.I regret being soiled by you and reduced to being filth.
As I try to lie my body down and prepare to sleep,I know you will visit me in my dreams and assure me that I will have a damning nightmare.My eyes remain alert,my heart races without a stop,and my body trembles and I owe it all to you.Thank you,I am broken