Save A Light For Me

I try not to display too much of my raw emotions online because if you,you’ll either be called “emo” or “giving out too much on the web”.For me,its not easy to pretend to be something I’m not.Plain and simple.I am not going to sit here and tell you that i am wearing the biggest life-loving smile on my face,all the while my eyes light up from the rays of happiness around me,and my life is spotless.No.That is not Shinobu Kyosuke.I am not a “cool” online persona or a “cold hearted” presence just for the sake of being spared online ridicule.I am a Japanese man that suffers from depression every second of my life since age 14 to now,I am not smiling nor am I frowning,I know happiness is around me,but I see no way in which i contributed to that.I just don’t see a point anymore and that scares me.

For awhile now,I don’t like waking up at 6am to fetch my work attire,shower,and eat breakfast.Why?Maybe because I’m lazy.You’re half way right there,but not entirely.My depression makes my body numb and I can’t move.A literal paralysis by one’s mind.Couple that with my favourite lover,Anxiety,then it’s a classic mental beatdown.I surrender when i second guess myself because anxiety makes you question your worth,your ability,your rights,your place,and it all chips away at confidence.Without a single ounce of belief in one’s self,what is your purpose again?At least in my dreams i can literally be and do anything,and that’s why I refuse to leave the bed laced with an grabbing depressive grip.
In my dreams,I matter,in reality,I’m an afterthought,the mistake,the failed experiment,the that first step that gets taken for granted,the loser,the outsider,the unreal.Why though?Why can’t I see past the pitch black?I need a candle….

Ladies and gentlemen,let me introduce you to my mind.Behind this skinny frame,the brown skin,the mask,the jokes,the otaku,the artist,the pervert,the shoulder to cry on,there lies a vessel headed by a fucked up mind.
Mind,let me introduce you to my blog,it’s an empty space,so try not to get too messy.Thank you.

Until next time…
Thank you for reading

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FlatLine

Something I always wanted to talk about,but really can’t because it is a sensitive/taboo subject for alot of people.I can’t be bothered by who is uncomfortable or offended by my topics,because I have something to get off my mind and I want to shout it:

I AM SUICIDAL!!

It’s not to say that every second of my waking life I prefer to be dead or thinking of the million of ways I can put an end to the inner struggles.Lately,I find it acceptable to be dead or the idea of my death doesn’t bring me sadness but kind of a sigh of relief and a comment of “Wouldn’t that be nice?”.
I suffer from severe depression and it’s something I have battled since I was 14 and even in my adulthood there exist the days in which I honestly feel so heavy as if I’m being held down and drowned by all my insecurities,fears,failures,what-ifs,and rejections to the world’s norm.I don’t know how well medication works,but I have always opted not to go down that path because I always hear side-effects will provoke suicidal thoughts(as if I need more of those ne?),so I developed a temporary treatment of sorts for myself.I do aroma therapy with scented incense sticks,play my favourite types of music,and just sketch what is in my heart at the moment.If I can keep my senses busy,there isn’t enough time and space to give my suicidal thoughts an opportunity to conceive itself in vast quantities.
People that doesn’t understand what it’s like to live everyday looking down the proverbial barrel of gun,waiting to blow your brains out with the mental disease that is depression.The hollow feeling you have in the pit of your stomach every single second,the constant worrying that something,if not everything can go wrong because you are fucked up in some capacity,feeling like you are alone in world of million souls but any sort of attempt to socialize leads to rejection on an epic scale(to the depressed mind).It’s crippling in every sensible aspect of the human construct.

I work 2 jobs that I absolutely despise,but I can’t afford to laze around,because the income keeps me afloat,I’m starting a third job at Narita airport next week and I know little to nothing about planes and their functions lol.I also have a relationship that is ongoing,social pressure is always evident in my life,and I am just simply not happy at all in my life.Not a single drop lately and I have honestly wished that i was hit by a car again and placed into a coma again( a much longer one).
Last night,I got into a fight with a jerk that was abusing his friend(a woman) and that was the first time in over 10 years that I engaged in a physical fight.I went home feeling empty and emotionless,and I remember feeling like I have no hope in anyone at all anymore.Like,I’m walking upside a steep mountain without a harness or any safety equipment;me against the world is my mind state lately.I feel alone,empty,cold,and just sick of it all.
I haven’t slept in 2 solid days and last night,I sat awake and seriously thought about drowning,slitting of the wrist,alcohol poisoning,overdosing on medication,etc.It was the first time in so long that i contemplated so heavily how to put the story of Kyo to rest for good.I have no answer for what my mind is going through now,because I feel worn out and buried currently.
If I am completely honest,I am really scared now lol.

Well I just wanted to get that off my chest in the hopes that “talking about it” would help.My verdict: I still feel terrible,but I will continue to fight this demon to try to find a place I belong among the living.
If you ever feel like you are alone,reach out to someone,I’m even available to share my experiences and stories and to try to give some guidance if I can.Just never stop fighting.Life is worth living;underneath all this bullshit is a spot with your name on it and your reason to value your life!

It’s kinda ironic that the song playing as I bring this entry to a close is “Failure” by Breaking Benjamin.lol.Sweet

Frown

Took a bite out of life today
Bitterness overtook my tongue
polluted words filled my lungs
Ill-fate was hard to digest

Singing sad songs through the streets of Shibuya,marching my feet to the beat of loneliness,and waving my arms to the rhythm of the depressive aura.This is my life in a moment’s flickering of 24 hours.
Closing my eyes to the vision of getting high with the birds and soaring the heavens of promised bliss.The gravity of reality pulls me back down to the pool of lies and self-doubt.”Where did I go wrong?”I can ask 1 millions times a day but only 1 action seems like a quick fix,but the effects of it would out-weight the release from prison.

I see the smiling faces,the big grins,the loud joyous laughter,the real happiness.I sit with my music and choose to be happy all the while frowning.What went wrong?
Placing my head against a wall,staring down at my shoes,singing passionately the words the resonates with my soul’s struggles of grasping the fleeing peace.
A clinched fist pounds away at the pavement as if it’s the door to true love; “Save me now” is the silent cries you will never hear me weep.”Let me breathe” you will never hear me whisper as you kiss my breath away with false lips.”Just let me fall” is what my body shows everyday it’s to endure the suffering.

In my head lies dark thoughts that I can not convey with another.I smile for your sake but inside my world is upside down.
I’m sitting in my room listening to a song about a person not caring about their former lover’s fate,while drinking alcohol lol.I suddenly got an urge to write something so nonsensical to others but holds a true underlying value to my perception on life.

Anyways,Carry on and keep rocking to your own sound!

嵐- Arashi

There are times in which you awaken in total peace,a serenity of blissful portions,but there are those days where everything that can go wrong does go wrong.I am having one of those days,and gosh…it’s been on an epic scale!
Welcome to the storm!

Tuesday,my “peaceful” rest day away from work actually becomes the day where peace is replaced with annoyance and agitation.I don’t know why or how,but I am literally in the worst mood possible.It’s not like I had a stressful prior Monday or anything of the sort;I just wake up sometimes and feel like I shouldn’t be awake.
Don’t get me wrong,I am not emo.Those days are long gone along with the cheap hair dye,dark clothing,and nail polish.
I think I have literally woken up on the rough side of the bed.

I do want to thank my wonderful and PATIENT girlfriend,Mariana for putting up with my unpredictability and unstable attitude today.She is my foundation and my safe haven.I will talk more in depth about her in my following post.So yeah,You’re getting a “My Gf is the best gf” post because Mariana is simply that,T-H-E B-E-S-T!

Well I will go back to containing my mood with Chocolates,Kid Cudi (his latest album: “Passion,Pain,and Demon Slaying”is a great listen btw),and sketching.Why does my sketches make me hate my hands!!Ugh!
On that note,I will enter my storm and exit this rant.You all have a great day and STAY positive yo!
Until next post…
Thank you for reading
Ja ne yo!

Now

Good afternoon,blog of mine

This place seems to be the only place where I can feel a peace without a feeling of backlash coming my way.Wait,who knows?Maybe my post will get get me in trouble ne?We’ll see.Lets get started.

I like to believe that the weather is a tie-in with my life.And if Tokyo’s humid and wet weather is any indication,my life is predictably unstable.Yuck!
With that unstable ground comes the thoughts of what went wrong or what is currently wrong.I am by no means “perfect” but people have their opinions of you and once they are opinionated,it’s hard to do anything without feedback.Fine by me yo!

I constantly follow the same routine daily; sleep,wake up,prepare for work,go to work,draw,sleep,and repeat.
I am not bothered by my predictable lifestyle.In fact,I am highly comfortable with it yo!……But people like to dissect every little thing you do.Like that class biology subject,you will be picked apart,piece by piece.Little mistakes are under the microscope and what is in the eye of the “beholder” is something SO big,so it’s unreasonably blown out of proportion.But,trolls feed on the activity that you give back ne?So what happens when you stop reacting?It pisses off the trolls and they shuffle back into the shadows waiting for the next series of events to sink their teeth into.That’s life!Or so they say ne

What am I ranting about?I have no clue.I just missed blogging yo!Wahahaha!
But seriously,life is too short to care what is said or thought about you by the masses.Who are they?Just a bunch of people same as everyone else.Life is what you make it,and I decided to make it nice and silent.Do I care if I’m disliked?Wait,i don’t care to be liked.I’m not from Hollywood yo!Do I want to hear positive reviews of myself?Only if they are staring back at me through the mirror.Does echoing gossip effect me?Oh,i’m sorry.I was too busy blasting my ears with Utada Hikaru songs yo!
Plain and simple,STOP TRYING TO IMPRESS OTHERS AND IMPRESS YOU!ONLY YOU!!
Life is simpler that way yo!Believe me

Whether you are unstable or stable,BE YOU
Emo or happy-go-luck,BE YOU
Old and alone,BE YOU
Dancing in your underwear on a Friday night without a care in a world,BE YOU
Let the trolls bark at the flaws.Bear no claws and just draw yo!Thats what I always say.

P.S I am on a complete wrestling binge lately yo! WWE NXT IS SO DAMN GOOD!!Hehehe

Until next post(that makes sense)
Ciao

OutBurst

DEG Kyo

Want to know a secret about me?Well…I am an emotional person!Surprise!

Whenever I feel depressed,sad,or down right pissed off; whether it be at life,relationships,work,or my own self doubts.I don’t yell,become violent or break things,I draw.Just take a look at the pic above.
A product of listening to Dir En Grey and being angry for 5 hours straight!I am satisfied now.

Little Blue Bear

“I want to own a circus with a blue bear wearing a bowtie” -Mei [October 2012]

For the past week now,I have been trying to find the words to jolt down on this blog.It has not been easy to even think how too compose this entry.I finally got news of your going away last week and I was stunned.I have always thought for the last 2 months that you were extremely busy with your family and business,so I continued to wait with the assumption that it was like any other time within our friendship where,we’ll fight,don’t speak for awhile,and finally we’ll talk again,laugh,bully each other,and eventually fight (repeating the cycle).But this time is different.It’s been nearly 3 months since our last conversation and I was under the impression that you were still mad at me,but I was so wrong..
You weren’t coming back anymore with the news I received.I felt as if I had lost a sibling all over again.

We had good times,bad times,sharing times,and hating times,but it was who we came to be as friends ne?This month of October would have been our two years of being friends.Two years don’t seem like that long,but after all we have experienced together as friends in that span of time,it’s as if you were a younger sister to me.
It’s because of you that I use the name “Kei” on some places.I remember we were talking about Men in Black and you started calling me “Agent K” and I responded with “Baka!I am not agent K!but we could be the Men in Black yo!Agent Mei and agent Kei lol”
Sigh…
And I can’t possibly forget what started our friendship,The blue bear with a bowtie.It doesn’t exist baka!!Hhahaha.Writing this is making my tears fall as I am recalling that and writing this.You definitely impacted my life more than you will ever realize.Although our time was brief,the knowledge I gained by befriending you will forever carry with me in my heart.You are indeed my best friend.No matter how long or short I live,I will never forget you and everything you have done for me.Big or small,everything is cherished.I am grateful we came across each other and I am happy for the memories you gave me.Even if tears flow when I recall those memories,I am happy remembering you,my dear friend.
You are with the angels now.No matter our pact to go to hell together,i am most sure I won’t see your face in hell.
You my friend,you were indeed an angel.Now you have your wings ne.I’m jealous yo!Haha…
I miss you my friend
Rest forever with peace in your heart
Goodbye