Simulated Normality

It has been quite some time since I last posted here.I believe that I promised to do like a series of posts chronicling my journey in Mexico.Well that never saw the light of day and that is due to a lot of unforeseen events,as well as me just enjoying life in Mexico.I will talk about that journey soon,because it was an unplanned soul searching experience.That is for another time,but today will be about how I am fairing currently after putting that trip behind me.

“Normal”,what does it mean?What course of action/state of being does it represent?How can one define if their reality is an example of normality?That is my issue currently.I don’t understand what normal is nor was.My reality has been vastly altered after leaving Mexico.I know,I know…”how can a 4 month accidental trip sway your life so violently?” is what any normal person would ask a deranged person as myself.Well,as humans,we constantly evolve even when the evolution stances aren’t readily present for us to grasp,we change,adapt,and evolve with the nature around us.With this in mind,I feel as if I don’t understand the concept of my normality.The things I once considered to be typical everyday happenings,feelings,and overall way of life feels all so foreign now.
I am no longer in Mexico,I am around family,I am hearing a language I grew up with(Japanese),and I feel as if this should be normal,right?Wrong,because I feel everything but normal.I don’t understand why I can’t comprehend the fact that I am back to speaking Japanese regularly,I can’t understand why I am seeing a life-long familiar face,and I feel homesick,but yearning for a place that isn’t my home.Yesterday,I had a dream that I woke up in my bed in Mexico and someone told me that I was in fact having a fever dream and that I slept for 9 hours.Just for context,while in Mexico I had a fever a bunch and I only slept 4 hours at a time.So having fever dreams and sleeping past those 4 hours was quite the norm and it would make total sense if everything that I am experiencing is just simulated results of a high degree fever.

Simulated Normality is my conclusion.I am struggling with believing that anything at this moment is real.Everything feels so false and simulated.It’s literally keeping me awake at night thinking of the hundreds of possibilities in which I am going to trigger an event that will undo this entire simulation and I will wake up in Mexico…or so I wish.Hahahaha I must seem insane and I am just that.I just….I am just in a very weird mental state and I don’t trust anything,so forgive me for not believing in “normal”.
Should I awaken from this fever dream or continue onward in this disappointing reality,I will keep you updated.
Thank you for reading



“Float all over the world just to see her again, and I won’t show or feel any pain
Even though all my armor might rust in the rain”
Those are lyrics to the song: “Up with the birds” by “Coldplay”.I don’t understand why song lyrics are popping out and relating to my pathetic situation now!!It’s quite funny though.That set lyrics describe a situation that i find myself in and I’m preparing my “armour” to definitely rust in the rain when i get to spending New Years alone,kanpai yo!I’m screwed lol.

Happy September,everyone!
My father had a philosophy for new months.He believed that if you start the first day of the month with a smile,dancing soul,and giving heart,the month would be generous to you.I followed that my entire life,but this month….I realized that I haven’t slept in 4 days,been bawling my eyes out,and just disconnected from everyone and everything.Sorry dad,I suck this month.
Back to the subject of sleep,I slept a grand total of 6 minutes in the last 4 days yo!I know this because it happened earlier this morning because I had a dream that The lady I like,myself,and my mom(i don’t know why she was there) were talking outside a grocery store about our situation and the lady I like was going to explain something important to me,but my mother pulled me away.All I could remember was the lady’s sad face.It’s haunting.I really hope you aren’t really wearing a frown.Please SMILE!Let me take all of this yo!
Point is….I’m mentally,physically,and emotionally exhausted,therefore I am a zombie!

I will keep my mind busy by studying Spanish.That’s right,Japanese Kyo will soon morph into Mexican Kyou!!lol.Wish me luck.

Thank you for reading