Thank You

I just wanted to write this quick post in order to express my gratitude.
Yesterday,I put out a post about my anxiety causing some serious indecisiveness about my trip to Guadalajara,Mexico in less than 2 months.I generally just blog to clear my mind or say what I feel without ever thinking that someone would stop to actually read my ramblings.I was wrong.I don’t know why nor how,but a bunch of people read it and reacted to it and it left me mindblown!I said to myself that if I could,I would bow deeply to you all while yelling “Thank you so much” in Japanese,of course lol.
So minus the bowing,I am most grateful and appreciative of your time to read my words and making me feel like I’m not just some crazy guy yelling into an empty room!Thank you all so very much.I am truly touched.

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Losing My Mind

So I am officially losing my mind!Well….what was left of it anyways.So as I stated a fews post ago,I’ll taking an ill-advised trip to Mexico in December.The trip is not only ill-advised,but due to my own stupidity,it’s now also ill-planned!I have no place to stay yo!Hahahaha.I know exactly what most of you are thinking, “Why in the world did you book a flight across the globe and now reserve a place to stay!?”,weeeeell the specifics I won’t get into because it will depress me,but I’m not the brightest star in the sky,if you catch my wave.So yeah….X-amount of money on a trip that I would have never taken at random(lol) and no place to reside during my 2 week visit.
All is not lost!I have been looking into Airbnb and the rates are perfect for my thin wallet yo!Literally,This trip cost me my limbs,some blood,maybe a fingernail,and my happiness to afford it!Never work jobs out of your element!That type of stress can kill you.

My true dilemma is not the price nor the reason for going,but rather my anxiety is literally holding me hostage right now.I rescheduled my trip for the 28th of December instead of the 21st because I seriously need time to find a place to crash.Anyways,Every day I think about the trip,the sights,sounds,people,a certain something,etc and I literally lose my mind.I lose the will to even want to go and it’s stronger each day.I woke up this morning 85% certain that I will call this entire thing off and stay my brown bunz in Japan yo!Hahahaha….but that is also most cowardly and it goes against the promise that I’ve made.Never break a promise no matter how many times you are broken.My father taught me that,so I must somehow overcome the negative voice in my head.
It sucks,because I honestly felt like I was doing well this year,compared to last,but my mind is growing weaker,but as long as I can make a fist and mentally drown out the doubt with the drums of defiance,I will never cease to back down from anything.I know I am fighting a losing fight and I was already defeated,but I’m too stubborn to let it end with me defeating myself.

I guess I am walking a tightrope of “Should I go or Should I stay home?”lol.It’s not fun because I feel the winds of doubt swaying the rope and I’m at the tipping point.I’ll always hold on,but I fear my grip is weakening and I can’t allow this defeat.So there you have it,nonsensical rambling by the most nonsensical man in Japan.
Have a good day everyone.
Don’t lose your minds reading this

Letter

Dear,Someone

It’s been quite some time since we’ve last exchanged pleasantries.I know that could be caused by multiple circumstances and I am most understanding of that.I am writing this letter to you in the hopes of learning more about your current life(If you respond) and filling you in on my thoughts and feelings surrounding our bond.
With the introduction phase out of the way;how are you?How is your life progressing thus far?I would love to know.Don’t keep me guessing for too long,oke?

As for me,I’m doing well as usual.I got hired to work on something that I have wanted for years now!It could be considered a dream come true!I get to quit my two current jobs that i absolutely loathe and with my resignation,that disqualifies me from traveling to America for a business trip next month.I’m sorta glad,because I am terrified of flying,but missing an opportunity to travel abroad is a tad bit disappointing yo!Its life.I guess with news like that,you would say that I’m more than “well” ne?Quite opposite actually.While I am happy with the direction of my life,there is a very confusing,lingering presence that rattles me from time to time…oke oke,DAILY,dare I say.

That presence is you,if you couldn’t figure it out.I can’t get you out my mind.An endless invasion,whether its your face,name,voice,or memories we have shared.You’re always with me and it makes my heart so heavy because I know I am the only one fighting with this…hahaha.I want to know your secret,how do you simply carry on without a thought or feeling about me?How come its easy for you to forget me and everything we were,but I’m an idiot stuck remembering it all?Its kinda unfair if you think about it.I want to be like you and walk like we never happened,I want to go to bed at night like you and close my eyes and not see your beautiful face,I want to sit in my lonesome and not hear your soft voice around me,and I want to be like you in the aspect that you have no hurt feelings,no pain,no tears,no chained memories of a bond that I held so preciously.So please,share with me how to be like you lol……please.
I guess I am being overly dramatic,but that’s me ne,hehehe.I don’t know,man…..I was foolish to think we were happy,while in reality, only I was selfishly smiling and you were lonely.I have always known you were unhappy and wanted something or someone else,but I thought I could be different and make you see me,win your heart,but I wasn’t enough and I couldn’t defeat the outside noise in your heart.I couldn’t hold your hands to assure you,I couldn’t embrace you to comfort you,and I couldn’t kiss you to adore you as you rightfully deserved,but I selfishly held you.I knew it was broken since the spring,I changed my tone,my approach,my overall view of you changed,it was a living hell in my heart and my mind was chaos,but I never gave up hope that I could change your feelings.You were already gone.
After some time,everything started to make sense,I understood why you didn’t want me to be too around,or to mention us,I abided by that because it was your desire,but my heart felt like you were ashamed of me and that’s oke.I would be too lol.
I’m sorry for everything.If you had never met me,I’m sure you wouldn’t have wasted a good portion of your valuable time and you would have had something to actually be proud of.If I could rewrite time,I would,just for you.I’m so sorry.

I guess I need to wrap this up ne?Hahaha.I didn’t mean to make this too long,but you know me,J never shut up yo!…..I guess your absence is truly the worst part of my life now,but I know that it is only bad on my end,but it’s opposite on your’s,so if it’s true,this pain of missing you is mine to bear as long as you are genuinely happy.I just want you to know,no matter where I am,will go,or do,you never slip my mind nor heart.You’re such a beautiful soul,a brilliant mind,a great companion,and heart’s delight.You truly were and still is,my star in the dark skies.Please take care of yourself and be happy always.

Sincerely,Shinobu Kyosuke

Help Wanted

HELP ME PLEASE!!Hold on!Let me explain first!

So,voy a Guadalajara en diciembre(I’m going to Guadalajara in December)for what was supposed to be a romantic vacation,but a change of plans occurred so now it’s just me traveling as a student.Hahaha.Although I am not a very smart student,but I do value other cultures outside of Japanese(my native culture),so I plan to bathe in the Mexican culture on this trip.
I have been planning this trip since the beginning of this year and I refuse to back down no matter what!So with that in mind,I have bought at least 5 Spanish books to equip myself to communicate with the people of Mexico.My real reason was to become good enough to confess my feelings to a special person in her own tongue(LOL)and thank her Mother for being most kind to me and for hosting me.I will admit that I have a pretty good grip on the basic sentence structures and grammar functions,due to my learning English at a very young age.All in all,it’s pretty to grasp and the phonetics isn’t too different from Japanese,so I just need to have more confidence!
So,you may be asking yourselves,”Why the ‘Help wanted’ title then?!”.Well,I do understand the basics,but having a fluent speaker to practice with makes a world’s difference in language progression.Having a teacher in elementary level educations aided in our mastering our own languages,so the same logic can be applied to learning outside languages ne?

I am not entirely serious,but I am not saying “NO!” to any help offered.I am not truly posting an AD that will pay you for your time and services,but I would appreciate anyone if they decided to help this foreign baka from the kindness of their heart(s)lol.
So if anyone would like to help,you can contact me at a few places(ONLY IF YOU CHOOSE TO!!)
I can be reach on:

TWITTER
INSTAGRAM

Email – kyosukeshinobu@yahoo.com
FACEBOOK – search for “Kyosuke Shinobu” im the only one 😉

Thank you for reading!

 

Separate Sky

October used to be a month that I looked forward to with such overflowing excitement,but now,I feel nothing but hollow and disappointment.It’s just kind of ironic that last year around this time,I was beginning a business trip in America and I was in a very depressing part of my life.I mean it was so pathetic that I literally caved in to the demands of a ghost.Hahaha.Quite funny ne?
Fast forward to present time and I am not doing any better.I’m over-thinking,I’m anxiously awaiting for a presence that doesn’t recognize me,I’m over-working,and overall I feel defeated.I have no one but myself to blame,because I caved in to a ghost.This time,the ghost was a situation that I mistaken for a mutual bond.Yes,I am quite dumb.

I am sitting outside at the edge of night and wondering what does your sky view look like.It’s a bit baffling that some point in time,our skies seemed to entwine but maybe it was an illusion created by my foolish,hopeful heart.To call you,to hear you,to see you,to share our tales….it was a wonderful time to stand underneath a shared sky,or so I selfishly thought.Without physical evidence,It was nothing more than whisper on the wind ne?Sigh….I was truly selfish and I can’t begin to make it up to you.I don’t know how.The only thing I can do is fade away without a trace.It’s simple.I never existed nor meant anything anyways.Is it disappointing?Sure but it’s nothing new.I have been molded by disappointment when my innocence was stolen at a very young age.I can’t even recall a year in which I haven’t suffered some type of scar.It created me,so I guess I am used to it.
Whether it is friendship or love,it all ends up the same.The actors may change but the ending is always spot on.”You’re a good friend,Kyo but……” Or “I do love you,but…..” Aaaaaaaaaand begin the nice ways of telling me to “fuck off” or dropping hints that my presence is a bother or whatever.All it does is make me feel like I am not good enough.Which I am not.I know that all too well now and there isn’t a lie in the world that can change how I feel.
So yeah….Kyosuke is not a real enough person to be acknowledged.At least that is what my years of trying to bond with others taught.But it’s alright.It truly is.
I just wish I wouldn’t expect people to be different or try to convince me that it will be different.No,you’re all the same but with different excuses.It’s life,and with this type of life,I have lost faith in people,I just try to smile so there will be no worries.

I am only angry with myself for wasting so many people’s time.To everyone,I am truly sorry for everything.
Well,I guess I did enough “Kyo bashing” so I will go have my shower and stare at the ceiling lol.I am truly on my own in a separate sky
Ja ne

Save A Light For Me

I try not to display too much of my raw emotions online because if you,you’ll either be called “emo” or “giving out too much on the web”.For me,its not easy to pretend to be something I’m not.Plain and simple.I am not going to sit here and tell you that i am wearing the biggest life-loving smile on my face,all the while my eyes light up from the rays of happiness around me,and my life is spotless.No.That is not Shinobu Kyosuke.I am not a “cool” online persona or a “cold hearted” presence just for the sake of being spared online ridicule.I am a Japanese man that suffers from depression every second of my life since age 14 to now,I am not smiling nor am I frowning,I know happiness is around me,but I see no way in which i contributed to that.I just don’t see a point anymore and that scares me.

For awhile now,I don’t like waking up at 6am to fetch my work attire,shower,and eat breakfast.Why?Maybe because I’m lazy.You’re half way right there,but not entirely.My depression makes my body numb and I can’t move.A literal paralysis by one’s mind.Couple that with my favourite lover,Anxiety,then it’s a classic mental beatdown.I surrender when i second guess myself because anxiety makes you question your worth,your ability,your rights,your place,and it all chips away at confidence.Without a single ounce of belief in one’s self,what is your purpose again?At least in my dreams i can literally be and do anything,and that’s why I refuse to leave the bed laced with an grabbing depressive grip.
In my dreams,I matter,in reality,I’m an afterthought,the mistake,the failed experiment,the that first step that gets taken for granted,the loser,the outsider,the unreal.Why though?Why can’t I see past the pitch black?I need a candle….

Ladies and gentlemen,let me introduce you to my mind.Behind this skinny frame,the brown skin,the mask,the jokes,the otaku,the artist,the pervert,the shoulder to cry on,there lies a vessel headed by a fucked up mind.
Mind,let me introduce you to my blog,it’s an empty space,so try not to get too messy.Thank you.

Until next time…
Thank you for reading

Days: Part 2

IM STILL ALIVE!!MWAHAHAHAHA….
To be honest,I’m not sure how,though.I didn’t sleep no longer than 7 minutes in the span of 6 days and I didn’t (couldn’t) eat within that timeframe because my appetite was nonexistent.I know some will say, “Well you have to make yourself eat” and while I appreciate your encouragement,my body doesn’t work that way.If I force feed myself during a period in which my hunger literally gone,I will become sick.I am currently ill and I am not kidding when I say that I feel like I was buried alive underneath hot rocks.Long story short,Im in the hospital and I feel like I am close to death.lol

Yes,I am indeed a patient in the hospital due to my “extreme condition” and i am under sedatives so i literally feel and think nothing now that I am here.Maybe the nurses are trying to reset my memory and reprogram me to be “normal”!!That is a bit of a reach,but who really knows people true intentions these days ne?
The sedatives are supposed to help me relax and calm my emotional distress but it really doesn’t seem to be working.Everyday I think about a day or words that were said that cracks more of my confidence and trust in others and anything.I still haven’t been able to eat solid foods so I am getting fed apple sauce!!YESSSSS!At least that’s one positive!

I had my friend Megumi bring me my Spanish books because I refuse to let all my hard work and dedication go to waste!So I study at least 5 hours a day and the nurses hate me for it!lol.I never play by the rules yo!
I don’t know,it’s proving difficult to fake smiles or hide my unhappiness now.I was really good at that,but all it takes is an event that makes you realize that you weren’t truly good enough.I guess the truth hurts ne?Well bring on more pain because it’s all I ever feel now.hahaha…
It’s almost 4am and guess who can’t sleep again!?THIS BAKA!!

Thank you for reading
Take care!

Run

“Where did you go?
Why did you run so far?”
The words I shout as I try to keep up on the broken path you left behind.Afraid to stop chasing you because my heart is afraid of losing your presence completely,but it seems that not even your shadow remains.
Stopping along the cracked and crumbling pathway,I fall to my knees from the weight of disappointment and sorrow.The realization that you are really gone and I can’t locate you like before burns away the rope of hope that I’ve held on to for so long.The dream of catching up to you and seeing your face is slowly becoming a horrendous nightmare.I’m scared…

My legs won’t move,my heart silently beats,and I lost sight of your road.Do I give up?Is this what you want?I don’t know.I’m stuck and I’m becoming nothing more than a burden….I guess this is where the story ends.I have failed

Opening my eyes again,It’s 11:36pm,and the Friday Tokyo night’s atmosphere is quiet.I only have one question: Why can’t I sleep!?

Thank you for reading my nonsense

Days

“Float all over the world just to see her again, and I won’t show or feel any pain
Even though all my armor might rust in the rain”
Those are lyrics to the song: “Up with the birds” by “Coldplay”.I don’t understand why song lyrics are popping out and relating to my pathetic situation now!!It’s quite funny though.That set lyrics describe a situation that i find myself in and I’m preparing my “armour” to definitely rust in the rain when i get there.lol.Cheers to spending New Years alone,kanpai yo!I’m screwed lol.

Happy September,everyone!
My father had a philosophy for new months.He believed that if you start the first day of the month with a smile,dancing soul,and giving heart,the month would be generous to you.I followed that my entire life,but this month….I realized that I haven’t slept in 4 days,been bawling my eyes out,and just disconnected from everyone and everything.Sorry dad,I suck this month.
Back to the subject of sleep,I slept a grand total of 6 minutes in the last 4 days yo!I know this because it happened earlier this morning because I had a dream that The lady I like,myself,and my mom(i don’t know why she was there) were talking outside a grocery store about our situation and the lady I like was going to explain something important to me,but my mother pulled me away.All I could remember was the lady’s sad face.It’s haunting.I really hope you aren’t really wearing a frown.Please SMILE!Let me take all of this yo!
Point is….I’m mentally,physically,and emotionally exhausted,therefore I am a zombie!

I will keep my mind busy by studying Spanish.That’s right,Japanese Kyo will soon morph into Mexican Kyou!!lol.Wish me luck.

Thank you for reading

Gracias,Mi Amor

“Love takes some time to bloom,it just hasn’t found you yet”
That is the words repeating in my head nonstop for the last 72 hours.Accompanying those words are endless memories of the last 8 months i have shared with someone special and the emotional attachment is making living in that memory a beautiful,yet painful experience.

It all feels like a dream and one of the best dreams i had in my entire life thus far.Maybe I have been in coma for the last 8 months and in that coma i created this situation in which I was happy with someone whom I thought would be with me.This is no dream and I was awakened 3 days ago and I honestly feel hollow,but I felt this coming for a few months now.I guess I didn’t prepare enough nor was I strong enough to accept this new reality without disappointment and tears.
I was extremely selfish and I didn’t see how much that beauty and amazing someone was struggling inside.I only knew how I felt and I thought everything was fine because of that and i was selfish and foolish for not putting your feelings first.No matter how I feel now or ever,I am happy that you don’t have to struggle anymore.I am truly thankful for your honesty and putting yourself first.It’s how it should’ve been since the beginning.I admire your courage

Mi amor,I still refer to you as this because i still love you like it was day 1 of falling in love with you.Although I can’t be your’s,I accept that given the comfort it grants you.I want to thank you for being a positive part of my negative life.I am not exaggerating!You made everything worthwhile and you made me smile everyday,whether it was your jokes,your clumsiness,seeing you smile,or just knowing you were there.Your presence meant/means the world to me and i can not thank you enough.The last 8 months has been rough.Not being able to be with each other like we should,so I understood your frustrations,but I’d tell you;you’ve given me more joy in the past 8 months than i had in the last 17 years!It was like riding a cloud and having the world at your disposal.Everything felt free and light.It was something i wasn’t accustomed to.I wasn’t constantly thinking about how or when this would end,I was only thinking about NOW I am happy.I’m sorry.
I want to thank you for giving me the courage to work in a foreign land and give my absolute best despite the ones that doubted my ability.I want to thank you and your mother for being my inspirations to learn Spanish and I will uphold my promise to become fluent.I want to thank you for being you.I know you fought yourself with telling me the truth and my stupid emotions didn’t make things easy for you,but I am truly grateful for the person you are and will be in the future.You are a star and your light will illuminate the other stars around you.Your soul’s gentleness is contagious.

I don’t know if I will ever see you again or talk to you like before….but one thing you can count on,I’ll never forget you for a single second of my life and I’ll be cheering you on as you grow successful in your life.
Thank you for everything,Mi amor
I will always love you

Goodbye