Carry

Another late night post,another flood of thoughts coming to my mind.
There is this feeling inside that I can’t simply rid myself of,no matter how much I falsely smile to make others be at ease or how I verbally say “I’m fine”,I am not oke,but I have to pretend to be for the sake of others.It’s the way it’s always been.

One aspect of my life I am not shy to hide is the fact that i do suffer from depression in a great amount.The main proponent of my depression is my father’s passing.I do have a mother and other siblings but my father was the one that i could run to when things seemed heavy or i was being a brat.Mind you that I was only 14 when he died,so my struggles became all the more unbearable as I’ve aged and I couldn’t fall back on the other arms in my life.Alot are unwilling if not annoyed to always catch you when you fall.

I don’t know what my problem is recently,but I feel the need and desire have someone to fall in to.It’s selfish because if you overload someone with your issues and an overbearing/dramatic actions,you ultimately drive them away.I learned that the hard way this week.
I guess with my health the way it is and just being stressed,I feel very alone and I just want to be with people or anyone that will comfort me in their arms.It’s a selfish feeling because everyone is going through something and the last thing anyone want is to haul around someone else’s baggage.

I woke up from my nap with a sense of clarity;I don’t need anyone.I have been fine on my own thus far and I shall be ne.So to my friends,Mari,and anyone else,Im sorry for placing my weight on you.It was selfish and it will never take place again.My feelings are best bottled up,swallowed,and i be reborn with a fierce fire for life.
I will always offer my help to anyone that needs it,but please,let me walk on my own.Thank you

Until next time,Thank you for reading

FlatLine

Something I always wanted to talk about,but really can’t because it is a sensitive/taboo subject for alot of people.I can’t be bothered by who is uncomfortable or offended by my topics,because I have something to get off my mind and I want to shout it:

I AM SUICIDAL!!

It’s not to say that every second of my waking life I prefer to be dead or thinking of the million of ways I can put an end to the inner struggles.Lately,I find it acceptable to be dead or the idea of my death doesn’t bring me sadness but kind of a sigh of relief and a comment of “Wouldn’t that be nice?”.
I suffer from severe depression and it’s something I have battled since I was 14 and even in my adulthood there exist the days in which I honestly feel so heavy as if I’m being held down and drowned by all my insecurities,fears,failures,what-ifs,and rejections to the world’s norm.I don’t know how well medication works,but I have always opted not to go down that path because I always hear side-effects will provoke suicidal thoughts(as if I need more of those ne?),so I developed a temporary treatment of sorts for myself.I do aroma therapy with scented incense sticks,play my favourite types of music,and just sketch what is in my heart at the moment.If I can keep my senses busy,there isn’t enough time and space to give my suicidal thoughts an opportunity to conceive itself in vast quantities.
People that doesn’t understand what it’s like to live everyday looking down the proverbial barrel of gun,waiting to blow your brains out with the mental disease that is depression.The hollow feeling you have in the pit of your stomach every single second,the constant worrying that something,if not everything can go wrong because you are fucked up in some capacity,feeling like you are alone in world of million souls but any sort of attempt to socialize leads to rejection on an epic scale(to the depressed mind).It’s crippling in every sensible aspect of the human construct.

I work 2 jobs that I absolutely despise,but I can’t afford to laze around,because the income keeps me afloat,I’m starting a third job at Narita airport next week and I know little to nothing about planes and their functions lol.I also have a relationship that is ongoing,social pressure is always evident in my life,and I am just simply not happy at all in my life.Not a single drop lately and I have honestly wished that i was hit by a car again and placed into a coma again( a much longer one).
Last night,I got into a fight with a jerk that was abusing his friend(a woman) and that was the first time in over 10 years that I engaged in a physical fight.I went home feeling empty and emotionless,and I remember feeling like I have no hope in anyone at all anymore.Like,I’m walking upside a steep mountain without a harness or any safety equipment;me against the world is my mind state lately.I feel alone,empty,cold,and just sick of it all.
I haven’t slept in 2 solid days and last night,I sat awake and seriously thought about drowning,slitting of the wrist,alcohol poisoning,overdosing on medication,etc.It was the first time in so long that i contemplated so heavily how to put the story of Kyo to rest for good.I have no answer for what my mind is going through now,because I feel worn out and buried currently.
If I am completely honest,I am really scared now lol.

Well I just wanted to get that off my chest in the hopes that “talking about it” would help.My verdict: I still feel terrible,but I will continue to fight this demon to try to find a place I belong among the living.
If you ever feel like you are alone,reach out to someone,I’m even available to share my experiences and stories and to try to give some guidance if I can.Just never stop fighting.Life is worth living;underneath all this bullshit is a spot with your name on it and your reason to value your life!

It’s kinda ironic that the song playing as I bring this entry to a close is “Failure” by Breaking Benjamin.lol.Sweet

ありがとう!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!

I’ve never been one for statistics or worrying about the popular vote,but somehow I’ve managed to amass 52 followers to this train-wreck of a blog of mine!I don’t know how or why,but I am extremely grateful that you all took time out of your lives to read my nonsense and choose to follow my writing.Words are beyond me now because I don’t feel accomplished nor am I doing this for any popularity,I write on this blog because I have so much to say and truth be told,talking to myself is becoming a little bit strange ne lol.I feel a great sense of happiness and gratefulness for the people that take a quick glance at my writing and stick through it and some even hit the “like” button.That always make me crack a silly little smile,which is rare because I am not a smiling type,but you guys have done it!

This place is like a safe haven for me when my emotions become to heavy to carry anymore,I let out my screams and laughter here and it’s conveyed in long post or short ones;what you read is the true me with no filter or political correctness.This is me and my life laid bare.I haven’t been in a happy mood for awhile now and my writing as of late reflects that and that is why I will never filter or fake what I feel here.You will get Emo Kyo lol!
Because of you all,I feel a sense of happiness and I am thankful for each and everyone of you.From my heart,Thank you so much for taking this journey with me.I hope you guys will accompany me as i embark on more yo!

Until next time,Thank you all so much for reading!

Shinobu Kyosuke

Frown

Took a bite out of life today
Bitterness overtook my tongue
polluted words filled my lungs
Ill-fate was hard to digest

Singing sad songs through the streets of Shibuya,marching my feet to the beat of loneliness,and waving my arms to the rhythm of the depressive aura.This is my life in a moment’s flickering of 24 hours.
Closing my eyes to the vision of getting high with the birds and soaring the heavens of promised bliss.The gravity of reality pulls me back down to the pool of lies and self-doubt.”Where did I go wrong?”I can ask 1 millions times a day but only 1 action seems like a quick fix,but the effects of it would out-weight the release from prison.

I see the smiling faces,the big grins,the loud joyous laughter,the real happiness.I sit with my music and choose to be happy all the while frowning.What went wrong?
Placing my head against a wall,staring down at my shoes,singing passionately the words the resonates with my soul’s struggles of grasping the fleeing peace.
A clinched fist pounds away at the pavement as if it’s the door to true love; “Save me now” is the silent cries you will never hear me weep.”Let me breathe” you will never hear me whisper as you kiss my breath away with false lips.”Just let me fall” is what my body shows everyday it’s to endure the suffering.

In my head lies dark thoughts that I can not convey with another.I smile for your sake but inside my world is upside down.
I’m sitting in my room listening to a song about a person not caring about their former lover’s fate,while drinking alcohol lol.I suddenly got an urge to write something so nonsensical to others but holds a true underlying value to my perception on life.

Anyways,Carry on and keep rocking to your own sound!

Soledad y felicidad

There is something quite humbling about walking underneath the darkening evening skies of Tokyo after a long day of work.
For 32 years I have walked this atmosphere and for each day,the experience is still an enlightening moment.So sincere and calming,yet loud in silence and vivid in provoking thoughts.

I had my usual busy day today,working an 8-9 hour shift,and I went to this mexican restaurant named: Guzman y Gomez in Shibuya.I am glad i did because I had an amazing lunch and one of the workers recommended me a dish and i had tears of joy from every bite yo!Hahaha!I like to randomly surprise myself every now and then.
As my day comes to end,I can’t help but feel somewhat empty.No I am not sad,but it’s a form of loneliness that isn’t painful nor tear invoking,It’s just I return to my little apartment and I find myself talking to my echo vibrating off the walls.Am I going insane?Has my mental capacity broken down?Or am I missing someone?It’s more so that I am missing someone very much but I must be mindful that she is also most busy in her life currently.She is working so hard and she is succeeding at a phenomenal rate!I couldn’t be more proud.Maybe I am selfish,but that person makes me so happy when I see her face or hear her voice,so is my loneliness justified?I don’t know,But what I do know is that i miss you,Mari

I am happy whilst in my loneliness,but I’m still yearning nonetheless.
As long as she keeps giving it her all,I’ll look to these wonderful skies and convey my heart to her through the traveling winds!

病気日-Sick Day

Good morning my dear blog.I come to you lacking in both sleep and health.Seems to be a progressing theme throughout the years ne?Maybe its just my imagination yo!Whatever it is,its been a very fascinating two weeks for me.

I have been suffering from terrible migraines for about 3 weeks now.They aren’t always migraines but rather lingering headaches that trend from mild annoyances to throbbing hell in my cranium.At first I talked to my mother about this because she was a neurosurgeon and she could shed some light on my ailment.I was just under the impression that it was just a result of my poor eye sight that has followed me since early childhood.Yes,I used to wear glasses as a kid.Wasn’t fun.Funny,but definitely not fun.Anyways,she filled me in on the possibility that i could have an aneurysm which is not to be taken lightly.I guess anything dealing with the brain is no small matter ne?So i went and got a test done on my head and it was found that i have some minor swelling on my brain.Nothing lethal but me being inept in this department made me start writing my will.lol.

On top of the brain thingy,I am battling hayfever and inflammation of my throat!Ugh!So I am stuck in bed when I could be out making money!It wouldn’t be so bad if I could sketch.I know some will say: “What’s stopping you!?” Well i will tell you;I’ve hit the proverbial “wall”.My headphones broke which takes away my intimate music listening experience,which then disrupts the harmonic swaying of creativity in my head,and that leaves my hands utterly rhythmless.It’s rough!
So That’s how my days have been lately,chaotic and frustrating.My girlfriend has been giving me some really good advice that i am implementing in order to better myself.I doubt she will pleased to learned that i totally denied my medication’s drowsy effect in order to stay awake and watch Super Smash Bros tourney (Sorry sweetheart)lol.Which has been great by the way!

Welcome

Welcome…yeah it’s been a long minute.Let me break it down if y’all still with it.

I am not a rapper.I was just quoting Mike Shinoda on his song “Welcome”.But anyways,WELCOME to my latest entry!
I know,i know!It’s been months since I last gave attention to my blog and I am truly sorry for the drought.Life his been a hectic ride yo!And I must say,two jobs doesn’t entitle me to much free time.Ugh!But,I still have my health and that is why I stopped complaining yo!

It’s funny,I feel like I am in one of those spring time dramas where the lead character is led to believe one element of reality but in all actuality,It’s just a familiar element tricking that lead into believing a false new element.Hahaha.
Are you confused yet!?So am I!But I have a pretty good grasp on the situation at hand and I am oe with it.Seriously,”ride the wave,Kyosuke!” is what I tell myself.Sometimes,you have to learn to not take life so seriously ne?Just whip your hair out and kick your feet up and breathe in that precious oxygen yo!Hahahahah.

Enough of my babbling.i truly missed posting here.Why?Because I just love the idea of leaving floating messages without a direct recipient.Oh what fun ne!?
Anywho,How are you all lately?2016 treating you well?How is your careers?Kids?families?

Also,To everyone whose birthdays I failed to acknowledged,I apologize and I wish you all a wonderful and successful new year in your lives.Go forth and never look back with doubt yo!

Until next post(or shall I say;)Until my next off day
Take care,Everyone!
Ja!

Seasons’ Greetings

Happy Holidays everyone!

Christmas has come and in a blink of an eye,it has gone.Maybe it’s just me,but this year seemed as if it hurried past my comprehension!I still remember vividly lying in the hospital in February and here we are at the end of 2015!Amazing….
Anywho,So no matter what you celebrated this holiday season,I have just one question for you all; what kind of gift(s) did you get?Was santa kind to you?Did your friends,family,or special someone give you a cheer?
Yes,I lied!I had more than one question.Oops

My Christmas was pretty tame.I don’t celebrate as i always say every year.lol.It was kind of somber because i didn’t hear from my close people on that day.Which is understandable.One was traveling home to the family village and the other was celebrating the life of a dearly departed loved one,whom happened to be a good friend to me.
Overall,my gift was that I somehow escaped disaster earlier this year and able to be here today blogging these words.So I am most grateful for life and i will carry on even stronger into the new year yo!

Until next post,
Have a blessed and successful new year!

Certainly!…NOT?

Happy August 1st,everyone!

I took a long nap earlier in the day and I totally wasted my off day from work!Grrrr!But hey,I am a king insomniac,so my being awake fully at this time is no big surprise.
Anyhow,I just want to lie down my thoughts of the day here.

Everyone wants certainty in their life.Be it job security,financial stability,romantic placement,etc.It’s not uncommon to seek out such certainty with such serious hearts.
But,certainty is sometimes an illusion.It’s a mirage over the hot sands of curiosity.You can see it,you can hear it,therefore you trust it.It’s common human error and it’s one that leads to disappointments,tears,and broken spirits.

I am no saint when it comes to reassuring something,because I too have been guilty of the “Certainly!….Not?”,and that type of attitude has landed my bum in a lava pit more than once.
Being on both sides surely is a funny thing to experience.On one hand,you give out hoping its never returned,yet when you are on the opposing side of it,you ask yourself, “why would he/she do that!?”.
It’s a little disheartening.

It’s oke to believe in what you want,but don’t allow it to be just that,… A belief.Sometimes it’s totally normal to be skeptical,because you never know what is certain and what is not.You leave room in between you and possible disappointment.

Ah,Enough of empty ranting.I’m going to go sketch and maybe stuff my face with food at 4am!Hahahahaha.
Good night everyone.

When I Grow Up….

Not sure why i am constantly thinking so fondly about this or why I am composing a post about this,BUT I do find this something funny to talk about.

I remember it vividly.When I was a child no greater than the age of 7,I feared the idea of growing up and becoming this tall adult,unfit for fun,and to old to enjoy the grand adventures in the parks or family yard.The only upside of being an adult in my eyes was the fact that grownups didn’t have to go to boring school!Hahaha.Silly,right?I know.

“When I grow up..”,I vowed to myself and my siblings,”When I grow up,I won’t become a boring old uncle who hates fun stuff and kiss girls,yuck!”
My brothers vowed the same thing,but my sister just mocked us and stated,”You will become a grand uncle,boys.”
Because of her doubt of us,we each threw mud at her.mwahahaha!Three handfuls of mud bombs splashing my sister.TAKE THAT,NATSUKI,YOU BAKA!!!

fast forward to a good 5 years later,the vow to never kiss ‘yucky’ girls was broken!
First was my elder brother,Mashiro.He started dating his tutor who was one year his junior and eventually they married,then my second older brother,Toshihiko started dating on and off with different girls while he was in a band,and finally,there I stood,the proud and remaining vessel of our vow.No girls were going to ruin my freedom!!…But,I too fell victim to the charm of cute eye girl!Dang it!Hahaha.

I finally understood why my sister mocked us.We abandoned our “No girls” rule and it signaled the inevitable,we all grow up against our childhood vows.
Gone are the days of strolling the malls and laughing like maniacs.Gone are the outlandish hairstyles with bright colours.Gone are the days of no obligations to anyone but to freedom.
Fast forward to present time…

My elder sister,Natsuki has a 4 year daughter (who is my lovely little angel),and is a highly respected chef in Kyoto.

My elder brother,Mashiro is married,worked as a stock broker and for a financial firm,because he was a math wizard.Unfortunately,he lost his battle with cancer two years ago.

My second brother,Toshihiko is engaged and set to marry his fiancé in December!That baka actually found someone who can understand his alien behaviour!Amazing!

Last,there is me.I’m an old guy who pretty much works six days a week unless there is a national holiday,i don’t go out,and I am not married!Woooo

One conclusion that I have reached is; cherish your childhood,take care during your teenage years,and evolve during your young adult years.Why?Because the old man/woman is counting on those three terms to be very memorable.

Until next time,Stay young!