“Now this could be a beautiful death.I’m jumping out the window.Letting everything go”.
Those are lyrics from Kanye West’s song “Power” and I think about them alot.More than I hate to admit…
I feel removed,used,controlled,and unlike myself.I want to break free and finally be free from all of this.I want to never feel the weight of the world again,I never want to smile again with a knife piercing in my back,I never want to be a victim again,and I never want to be….
I always hated the idea of super powers with destructive force or ones that grant whatever you want.I always wanted to fly.I wanted to soar so high and just never touch the ground again.The air of freedom surrounding me as my being elevates far above my worries.Leaving behind things that keep me grounded and insane.That’s what I wanted for so long,but now I am stuck and I don’t like where I am.I don’t like how controlling my therapist is and making me cut ties with people,I don’t like this medication that makes me so calm that I want to off myself,and I don’t want to be sick anymore.I had enough.
I just want to fly away to my freedom.
I promise I will smile and be happy there.
I was walking home,warm Tokyo night air,stomach full of cake and beer,and just a jaded mood.Now,I sit here,eating more cake while drinking my fouth beer,and for some reason,I have decided that I needed a end day blog post lol.
My day(although it’s 1am,a new day) was very strange and exciting at the same time.I woke up not wanting to deal with anything,but then I got two calls confirming that I was accepted in two different job positions!One an office job and the other is more of a heavy lifting gig.It’s fine.I need to regain the strength in my noodle arms.So that was the only good part about my day and the rest just annoyed me.I was already annoyed by the idea of going to therapy to talk about my life and I don’t know,my mood lately has been horrible.I guess I should fake smile more to get through the day,but who cares.95% of my day is spent wearing a lower face mask lol.
I shouldn’t complain.At least I got cake and beer,thanks to a workmate turning 44….yikes!
I guess I need to start applying my two-step facial treatments to deal with these annoying breakouts.I honestly didn’t have to deal with this in Mexico.Wtf Japan!?Anyways,I am going to go do that,have more beer,listen to Utada Hikaru,and I wish you all a good night/day depending on what side of the world you are on!Bai bai!
I just need to vent today.I feel mentally exhausted,although I took my “Happy” pill today,I somehow feel so defeated right now.I just need to write with honest words.
Yesterday at work during a break,one of the people that work with me in the hospital started asking questions,personal questions.This person was so curious about my brown skin.Yes,I have very dark skinned,opposite of what you typically see in East Asian.Yup,that is me.Anyways,she kept asking if I am foreign or if it’s a tan.I replied that I am not foreign and I don’t need tans because my true skin is brown.Her eyes grew wider and questioned me after I told her I was born in Japan and that I am indeed a brown Japanese.So,like any other nosy person here,she asked about my parents and I explained my background.That led to her disputing my actual claim to Japanese identity and even said that I should think about moving to Hawaii or Korea.That suggestion wasn’t welcomed and I didn’t entertain her stupidity much longer.So I left.
All my life,I have dealt with feeling like an outsider in my homeland because of my skin and heritage.It’s honestly very annoying and frustrating,but there isn’t much I can do ne.People are just dumb.
I won’t lie,I feel so small today and I can’t stop thinking about it.My depression is literally amplifying this small feeling and I just can’t function today.I am just so angry and I am just sick of everyone right now.Sometimes I hate being in Japan…
I’m sorry for venting.
My head and heart are full of memories of my time in Mexico and I would love to share my experience in that wonderful country,however… I am hesitant.Unknown to myself,I can’t comprehend why I can’t bring myself to type out the memories in my head.Am I afraid of losing the magic of the feeling if I share it so openly?Am I scared of how opinions may be formed against me?Am I terrified of feeling lonely after going through my memories?Whatever the reason may be,it’s truly preventing me from writing in full detail about my life changing journey to Mexico.I assure you that soon I will find the courage to overcome my fears and share my beautiful experience with you all soon.So please bear with me and stay tuned!
Seems like I rehash this topic alot here,but it’s done in good faith to keep my blog up to date on my happenings.Anyways,I shall return to blogging regularly soon.I am still in México and that within itself is enough material to fuel at least 20 entries lol.Seriously,It has been a roller coaster.
I took time away from blogging to kinda detox from all the negativity lately,but to no avail.So screw it,I’ll blog whatever the fuck I feel.I am not paid to do this,so I don’t care about “keeping it classy”.
Do you remember how yesterday I pretty said that I wasn’t that excited about going back to México this time?I LIED!!I am chooooo pumped up to be back and I literally can smell some of the scents that left an impression on me from my last trip!I’m that FLIPPIN excited yo!Hahaha…. but with that excitement comes great anxiety.For one thing,flying is never a fun experience for me because…. you know… I hate heights and secondly,I have to make my way around on my own and I have to talk to people in Spanish ON MY OWN!!!AHHHHHH!I guess I’ll be around after the first few hundred screw ups lol.
I thought about getting on the buses again(it was seriously fun),but since my lack of proper Spanish and the ability to understand alot of it,Uber will be my best option.I plan to go to the movie theater a ton!Also bar-hopping Kyo will come out if retirement lol.Don’t worry,I’ll be safe yo!
Wooooooo!2 days remaining!LETS ROCK,MÉXICO!!!
It seemed like such a long while ago that I booked my flight to México and it was the most happiest feeling I had.I felt extremely excited to have tickets back to such a beautiful country and to show my appreciation of a certain day.Well,the situation has changed drastically and I will admit that I do have lots of regrets.I am not really looking forward to it,but here we are!Literally 3 days away from my grand return and I can’t wait to see the country again!I hope my Spanish is good enough to ask directions on my own and to order food!I am looking forward to the nightlife!Also I miss the food soooooo much!I want to go back to the zoo for the sky view and to FINAL finish the last Harry Potter film.I started a marathon of the films 2 days before my departure in April.So I am pretty stoked about finishing that and finishing the puzzle lol!
Wish me luck!
This a short to say THANK YOU to all my readers,viewers,new,old,and those that are passing by!I just realized that I have now somehow hit 100 followers on my blog!MY BLOG!!I am the first to admit that everything I write makes absolutely no sense at all,nor is it interesting.It’s just my life experiences,opinions,and overall being emo with the world.Somehow,100 people found a little piece of something in my words and have chose to follow.For that,I can not express my gratitude enough.You all have put a smile on this stone face!Thank you all so much!I will do my best to pump out daily stories as long as my mind holds up!
Oi blog,how’s it going?
I actually just woke and it’s currently 4 in the evening lol.You may be wondering, “Is he having a bout of depression?” well you are correct… but I am just ultra lazy today.
I woke up feeling fine and I realized that everything may be alright after all.We shall see if that holds up in 23 days from now lol.
Thanks for reading
I woke up bright and early this morning to go to my therapy,but it was anything but bright for me.I woke up feeling extremely anxious,alone,sad,disappointed,and like no one nor the world gave a fuck about me.To be honest,I woke “ready to go”,but I remembered that,even if no one cares about me or whatever I feel,I want to let as many people know that I care about them.
Whoever you are,wherever you are,and whatever you’re going through,just know that I care about you.
Anyone feeling sad,hurt,scared,shunned,different,and just tired of life,I want you all to know that you are beautiful and the world is a much more unique place with you a part of it.I don’t know you,but if I read an article about a suicide,my tears of sadness would rapidly fall.Your lives matter to me.Your beautiful souls fuel this slow understanding world,your difference shine brighter than the majority’s similarities.
You are unique and I love you.
Don’t give up.You inspire me to keep pushing.
Thank you for existing!