FlatLine

Something I always wanted to talk about,but really can’t because it is a sensitive/taboo subject for alot of people.I can’t be bothered by who is uncomfortable or offended by my topics,because I have something to get off my mind and I want to shout it:

I AM SUICIDAL!!

It’s not to say that every second of my waking life I prefer to be dead or thinking of the million of ways I can put an end to the inner struggles.Lately,I find it acceptable to be dead or the idea of my death doesn’t bring me sadness but kind of a sigh of relief and a comment of “Wouldn’t that be nice?”.
I suffer from severe depression and it’s something I have battled since I was 14 and even in my adulthood there exist the days in which I honestly feel so heavy as if I’m being held down and drowned by all my insecurities,fears,failures,what-ifs,and rejections to the world’s norm.I don’t know how well medication works,but I have always opted not to go down that path because I always hear side-effects will provoke suicidal thoughts(as if I need more of those ne?),so I developed a temporary treatment of sorts for myself.I do aroma therapy with scented incense sticks,play my favourite types of music,and just sketch what is in my heart at the moment.If I can keep my senses busy,there isn’t enough time and space to give my suicidal thoughts an opportunity to conceive itself in vast quantities.
People that doesn’t understand what it’s like to live everyday looking down the proverbial barrel of gun,waiting to blow your brains out with the mental disease that is depression.The hollow feeling you have in the pit of your stomach every single second,the constant worrying that something,if not everything can go wrong because you are fucked up in some capacity,feeling like you are alone in world of million souls but any sort of attempt to socialize leads to rejection on an epic scale(to the depressed mind).It’s crippling in every sensible aspect of the human construct.

I work 2 jobs that I absolutely despise,but I can’t afford to laze around,because the income keeps me afloat,I’m starting a third job at Narita airport next week and I know little to nothing about planes and their functions lol.I also have a relationship that is ongoing,social pressure is always evident in my life,and I am just simply not happy at all in my life.Not a single drop lately and I have honestly wished that i was hit by a car again and placed into a coma again( a much longer one).
Last night,I got into a fight with a jerk that was abusing his friend(a woman) and that was the first time in over 10 years that I engaged in a physical fight.I went home feeling empty and emotionless,and I remember feeling like I have no hope in anyone at all anymore.Like,I’m walking upside a steep mountain without a harness or any safety equipment;me against the world is my mind state lately.I feel alone,empty,cold,and just sick of it all.
I haven’t slept in 2 solid days and last night,I sat awake and seriously thought about drowning,slitting of the wrist,alcohol poisoning,overdosing on medication,etc.It was the first time in so long that i contemplated so heavily how to put the story of Kyo to rest for good.I have no answer for what my mind is going through now,because I feel worn out and buried currently.
If I am completely honest,I am really scared now lol.

Well I just wanted to get that off my chest in the hopes that “talking about it” would help.My verdict: I still feel terrible,but I will continue to fight this demon to try to find a place I belong among the living.
If you ever feel like you are alone,reach out to someone,I’m even available to share my experiences and stories and to try to give some guidance if I can.Just never stop fighting.Life is worth living;underneath all this bullshit is a spot with your name on it and your reason to value your life!

It’s kinda ironic that the song playing as I bring this entry to a close is “Failure” by Breaking Benjamin.lol.Sweet

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ありがとう!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!

I’ve never been one for statistics or worrying about the popular vote,but somehow I’ve managed to amass 52 followers to this train-wreck of a blog of mine!I don’t know how or why,but I am extremely grateful that you all took time out of your lives to read my nonsense and choose to follow my writing.Words are beyond me now because I don’t feel accomplished nor am I doing this for any popularity,I write on this blog because I have so much to say and truth be told,talking to myself is becoming a little bit strange ne lol.I feel a great sense of happiness and gratefulness for the people that take a quick glance at my writing and stick through it and some even hit the “like” button.That always make me crack a silly little smile,which is rare because I am not a smiling type,but you guys have done it!

This place is like a safe haven for me when my emotions become to heavy to carry anymore,I let out my screams and laughter here and it’s conveyed in long post or short ones;what you read is the true me with no filter or political correctness.This is me and my life laid bare.I haven’t been in a happy mood for awhile now and my writing as of late reflects that and that is why I will never filter or fake what I feel here.You will get Emo Kyo lol!
Because of you all,I feel a sense of happiness and I am thankful for each and everyone of you.From my heart,Thank you so much for taking this journey with me.I hope you guys will accompany me as i embark on more yo!

Until next time,Thank you all so much for reading!

Shinobu Kyosuke

病気日-Sick Day

Good morning my dear blog.I come to you lacking in both sleep and health.Seems to be a progressing theme throughout the years ne?Maybe its just my imagination yo!Whatever it is,its been a very fascinating two weeks for me.

I have been suffering from terrible migraines for about 3 weeks now.They aren’t always migraines but rather lingering headaches that trend from mild annoyances to throbbing hell in my cranium.At first I talked to my mother about this because she was a neurosurgeon and she could shed some light on my ailment.I was just under the impression that it was just a result of my poor eye sight that has followed me since early childhood.Yes,I used to wear glasses as a kid.Wasn’t fun.Funny,but definitely not fun.Anyways,she filled me in on the possibility that i could have an aneurysm which is not to be taken lightly.I guess anything dealing with the brain is no small matter ne?So i went and got a test done on my head and it was found that i have some minor swelling on my brain.Nothing lethal but me being inept in this department made me start writing my will.lol.

On top of the brain thingy,I am battling hayfever and inflammation of my throat!Ugh!So I am stuck in bed when I could be out making money!It wouldn’t be so bad if I could sketch.I know some will say: “What’s stopping you!?” Well i will tell you;I’ve hit the proverbial “wall”.My headphones broke which takes away my intimate music listening experience,which then disrupts the harmonic swaying of creativity in my head,and that leaves my hands utterly rhythmless.It’s rough!
So That’s how my days have been lately,chaotic and frustrating.My girlfriend has been giving me some really good advice that i am implementing in order to better myself.I doubt she will pleased to learned that i totally denied my medication’s drowsy effect in order to stay awake and watch Super Smash Bros tourney (Sorry sweetheart)lol.Which has been great by the way!

Welcome

Welcome…yeah it’s been a long minute.Let me break it down if y’all still with it.

I am not a rapper.I was just quoting Mike Shinoda on his song “Welcome”.But anyways,WELCOME to my latest entry!
I know,i know!It’s been months since I last gave attention to my blog and I am truly sorry for the drought.Life his been a hectic ride yo!And I must say,two jobs doesn’t entitle me to much free time.Ugh!But,I still have my health and that is why I stopped complaining yo!

It’s funny,I feel like I am in one of those spring time dramas where the lead character is led to believe one element of reality but in all actuality,It’s just a familiar element tricking that lead into believing a false new element.Hahaha.
Are you confused yet!?So am I!But I have a pretty good grasp on the situation at hand and I am oe with it.Seriously,”ride the wave,Kyosuke!” is what I tell myself.Sometimes,you have to learn to not take life so seriously ne?Just whip your hair out and kick your feet up and breathe in that precious oxygen yo!Hahahahah.

Enough of my babbling.i truly missed posting here.Why?Because I just love the idea of leaving floating messages without a direct recipient.Oh what fun ne!?
Anywho,How are you all lately?2016 treating you well?How is your careers?Kids?families?

Also,To everyone whose birthdays I failed to acknowledged,I apologize and I wish you all a wonderful and successful new year in your lives.Go forth and never look back with doubt yo!

Until next post(or shall I say;)Until my next off day
Take care,Everyone!
Ja!

Hush

Guilty

おはようございます Good Morning

“Stand firm and shut your mouth.”
Those were my sister’s words a few hours ago.I wanted to respond with, “You shut up,baka!”,but I knew she was correct.I run my mouth a bit too much when I feel the need to try to handle certain things.My big mouth is what gets me in trouble a lot these days yo!I don’t know why I feel I must explain everything,but it comes simple to me.It’s a bad habit that I am working hard to drop now.
Note to self; “Shut your mouth,Kyosuke!

These days,I seem to have lost my mood for anything.I haven’t been updating my blog regularly,I haven’t been posting on Twitter as much lately,and I lost my drive to sketch yo!It’s a pain in my ass to be like this.Depressed and uninspired.Sigh…
Life waits for no one ne?I guess I better dust off my running shoes and blaze the path before me ne?Yes.That seems to be the best solution to my inner madness yo!Run with a strong heart,inspired mind,and piercing eyes.Let’s go!!

Well,I guess I am finished with my useless ranting.Soooooooooo,it’s time to shut off my phone and rest my insomniac head yo!I haven’t slept since arriving home from work at 3am this morning!Woooooooooo.
So I sign off with this words….
I thank you all for showing the less bit of interest in my blog.It really does mean a lot to me.Thank you all.
Until next time…
Take care
Ja mata