Candlelight

What is grief?
Why does it crush you like glass?
Why does it shatter the trust in reality?
These are the questions I wrestle with everyday since last month.As I mentioned in previous post,I lost someone very important to me and it’s not just something I can get over in a matter of weeks,because I grew up and was able to have a life because of that person.Losing someone of such of a very important caliber not only breaks your heart,but it breaks your spirit.My spirit is broken,although I look ahead to a future with someone,I can not stop looking back,because that person in my past molded who I am today.It’s really difficult to continue to pretend that I am well and things are getting better,when in fact they aren’t.I joke with myself that I aged 7 years since that day and its true.I look and feel terrible.Its time to take action.

I signed up to join a support group.I guess I really need to talk about how I feel and why I am so scared to continue living after all of this.I can give a bit of insight into one of my biggest fears and its standing right in front of me with a big grin on it’s face.I am terrified of a reality in which I die completely alone and so far,that reality is looking more realistic.I lost my parents,my inspiration,my friends,and I live in a place where I don’t feel like belong anymore.I truly feel a deep loneliness that I have never felt in my life.I am just hoping that by joining this group,I can open up about my feelings and empty everything before I start anew.I want to start over and look towards the world with endless outlook.Until then,I’ll keep fighting for my new future.

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Cloudy

Good early morning.
I just have a few things to get off my chest and there is no better place than my diary/blog ne.

I know there has been a decent amount of time between my last post and now,well there is a reason for that.It’s not like I don’t have anything to write home about,because I have honestly have so much to say in terms of my trip,meeting someone special,and overcoming something that plagued me for most of my life… The funny thing is,I have been thinking about making this strictly a place to promote my drawings (lol),not that they are anything spectacular,but I love the idea of sharing something I created with like-minded people or just anyone passing by.I wanted to not only promote it,but I wanted to share the meaning behind it,the atmosphere that it was conceived in,and just overall chat with you all.That was the plan AFTER I talked about my trip to Mexico…but I lost sight of it all after a life-altering event took place.

A week or so after my return to Japan,I lost my mother.She was my only living parent and now she is reunited with my father and elder brother.I won’t go into great detail but maybe you can see a connection here.I wanted to write so much,I truly did.I grappled and struggled with logging in and beginning to write,only to have my emotions lead my original draft into an emotional spiral.Soon I would log off and turn off my computer entirely and just sit in my darkened room,reflecting how much I have lost and how I can’t function regularly as before.It became overwhelming and thus,my intent to write about the happiest time of my life and go forward with a new blogging directions ceased to come to life.
Right now,This post is the real me…no false face to hide pain,not ignoring what is happening,and just accepting that my blogging style is just raw human emotion.I guess me writing from the heart is more sincere than trying to foolishly promote art.

Importance

Good Morning my dear blog!
I have a short little entry today and it’s basically thanking a few people.I also want to take the time to thank each and everyone that stops by and reads my blog.I honestly don’t think I am an interesting writer,nor is my English precise enough to be good at this(English isn’t my first language).So thank you all so very much!I am truly grateful.

As you all know,I have been dealing with depression in my last few entries and I am insufferable in that state.I am sorry.I can confidently say that I am FINALLY over my depression for now,but I don’t feel as happy.To be frank,I feel cold and as if something is missing.I know I am of no importance to anyone,so are my feelings invalid?I don’t know,but what I do know is that I truly need to be grateful for my friends.
I complain alot about how “annoying” or “dumb” they are,but truth be told,they never fail to leave me alone.Me being the introvert that I am,that is seen as a negative thing,because I want to be alone(have my time),but not actually feel alone.Those people text/call nonstop yo!They literally show up to my apartment unannounced and drag me,yes,literally drag me out to a little pub to drink or to catch a meal somewhere.As I sit there,I may appear to be cho annoyed,but inside I am swelling up with joy that I sometimes can’t contain my smile(as if they could see it,because of my famous mask).
The last few weeks has been rough and stressful,because I am actually traveling to Mexico this time(long story) and I want everything to go right.Last minute shopping,preparations,fundings,etc.It’s all overwhelming and I just need a little support,but I don’t expect any to pop out from thin air lol.
The point is,I need to be more grateful of my friends.I truly appreciate you all more than you know.I will definitely hug you all soon and express my gratitude.I understand the majority of you won’t understand,so when I see you next,I’ll give you an earful in Nihongo!Thank you,my friends.

Thank you for reading

 

Jaded

Good morning.
This is usually the part where I begin yelling some statement to prove my impending excitement towards something,but not today.Maybe not any day as of late.I don’t know why but I am really not excited about anything nor am I really looking forward to anything.It feels like I am living my mid-20s again where I was trained to not expect anything good or anything worthwhile to happen for me lol.The funny thing about this time is,I am going to Mexico for sure next month,I seriously have an amazing job,and my stars seem to be aligning lately,but why am I sitting here in bed and really resigning myself to already having a lackluster day?It’s a shame,because I have much to look forward to.
My hope is that this is just a temporary mood after finally finding my way out of depression.Whatever it may be,I hope it ends soon,so I won’t want to sleep all day yo!Lets begin my rejuvenation! Anyways,back to sleep lol.
Thank you for reading

Bailar

I was going to do a third entry to my “Dark Tide” mini story,but here I am to say “Screw that!”
The meaning behind those post was a result of my current state of depression.Yes,I am horribly depressed and it’s making me physically ill,Seeing things/people that aren’t here anymore,loss of appetite,feeling alone,hopeless,and simply wanting to die.Yes,it’s a tough pill to swallow when someone tells you that they think about dying or in coded terms “escaping”.It started last Thursday,I finished wishing my crush a good night and boom,depression punched me right in the nose!Since then,I hear a voice telling me how to rid myself of depression for good,but the advice is usually a suicidal method.So I know that my depression is urging me to off myself sooner rather than later.Over the past few days I have contemplated slitting my wrist,hanging myself in my bedroom,drowning in my bath,poisoning myself,and jumping in front of a train.I apologize if this is too graphic,but my blog style is all about sheer honesty no matter how heavy.
Lucky for me,I am still here to share this story.

The way I have been coping with my mood,my disease and all the ill-thoughts attached to it,I simply dance.You heard it right;I dance myself into of state of perseverance.I put my headphones on,i plug into my ipod nano (yes i still own one),maybe I’m feeling some Utada Hikaru, or wavy Kid Cudi,or fist pounding Dir En Grey,or euphoric ODESZA.Whatever I choose to listen to,my life is transformed into a stage in which I am the performer and I will give the performance of a lifetime.
Singing and nodding my head on train,Dancing,spinning,swaying my arms into the Tokyo nights to rhythm of my favourite songs,or just going absolute insane in my bedroom to some roaring metal.No matter the setting or song,I feel the weight of depression weakening and I am free to soar in that moment.
Life gets heavy,why not enlighten ourselves with some joy.

The Dark Tide: Sinking

Day 2,39 hours later of no sleep.The air I attempt to breathe is the heaviest by far.I sit across from a mirror,seeing my repulsive reflection reminding me of the trauma my mind is putting me through.
Is that a smile peeking through the somber face?Or is it simply my delirium taunting me of an emotion/action I can not mimic.My head hangs low and my line of sight crashes to the ground.Where does it end?Where did it begin?Please tell me how to stop it!
My sanity slowly begins sinking.

Time

Hello,my dear blog.It has been quite some time since my previous entry and it wasn’t because I had a lack of topics to expand upon,but rather just having zero motivation to write.I go through lazy spells and I refuse to do anything about them but acknowledge that I am indeed inflicted.
Without further ado,here we go!

2017 was by far the most emotional taxing years i have endured in a long time!There was my amazing relationship,working in/traveling to American for months at a time,working 4 jobs simultaneously,studying Spanish,my breakup,and just trying to find that individual strength to overcome everything.It was a year with alot of fireworks….but sometimes,there are explosions that damage things you cherish.i lost a dear friend of mine and I honestly felt like I lost myself for awhile.That person helped me through an awful time in my life when help or advice was very few and far.So losing her was a blow to my very soul.Just a month before she passed,I almost commited suicide until I received a call on my phone and her first words were: “I think this hair dye is making me high” and I just laughed so hard that I broke down in tears.She had no idea what I was about to do,but her just being herself saved me from myself and ultimately making the biggest mistake of my life.I just regret that I wasn’t able to save her and thank her for saving me without trying.
I still miss her everyday and when I see her name in my contacts,I feel as she is on vacation and will return shortly,but the reality is that it isn’t as I wish.Sigh…

Value those in your life,because you can’t get time back.No matter how much you hope and pray,time doesn’t stop nor stream backwards.Just reach out and appreciate those you consider important.

Thank you for reading

In Progress

I’m so sorry,my blog!The lack of posts and updates is most unfortunate,but life gets in the way yo!I shall return to my all access blogging,because alot has happened between my last post and now.A tragedy,injury,a scare,a HUGE moment,losing a friend,and gaining a new job.I can’t wait to share my experiences soon.Please be patient with me.Thank you so much.

If you would like (I doubt it) you can keep up with me on these sites:

Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/no.speak04

Twitter:

http://www.twitter.com/knky0

Hope to see you there!

Maldición Del Corazón

When I was about 6 years of age,my best friend,Akira and I went bike riding and we were both dumb kids,so we rode through mud,insect infested grass,and literally for almost 4 hours.The skies darkened,raindrops started falling lightly,so we gather our remaining energy to begin our journey home.About 10 minutes into the ride with home nowhere in sight,the rain poured heavily upon us,mind you that we were not prepared for rain,thus we had not been dress appropriately for such weather.Akira challenged me with “the first person to reach my (Akira’s) house wins!”,and we started peddling faster,until her front tire hit a big rock and she fell to the ground,her bike not too far beside her,and she cried out from the pain in her ankle.I jumped off my bike,ran over to her,and tried to encourage her to stand so we can make it home to my mother since she is a doctor.Akira couldn’t stand at all,so I kneeled in front of her,looking forward,and I told her to get on my back.I picked her up,leaving the bikes behind,which caused her to feel guilty,so I promised her that I would come back to retrieve the bikes once I get her home.
We finally made it to her home,my legs sore and tired from carrying her,drained of my overall energy,and soaked from the rain; Akira’s mother answered my knock and immediately retrieved Akira and aided her bruised ankle.She told me to come inside to get warm,but I bowed deeply,refused,apologized,and I ran all the way back to retrieve our bikes as promised,returned her bike,and finally I made it home.Later that night I fell ill with a high fever that lasted nearly two weeks

The moral of the story is: No matter my relationship with someone,the changing situations,or feelings,I will never give up on anyone.

The reason I am writing this is because I am attempting to rekindle my friendship with someone whom I’ve dated long ago.Insane,ne?Yes,but where is the golden rule stating that you shouldn’t be friends with your ex?If you’ve started out as friends,then you can easily revert back to friends.She was literally my partner in crime in every sense of the phrase,but our breakup not only put distance between us,it created a huge void that we couldn’t recover from.
I have always said that I forgive everything before anyone ever decides to apologize because I want to keep those precious bonds.Failed feelings of the heart shouldn’t be an excuse to dismiss someone or the memories that were made in happiness.That is my belief and on the grounds of that belief,I have maintained friendships with some of my exes except one lol and I even made good friends with people who’ve bullied me during my school years!I never give up on people that are in my life,because they have impacted it in some capacity and I am grateful for their influence.I know alot of people have given up on me and that is oke.Everyone has their own reasons for keeping you around,but if you ever come into my life,believe that I won’t let you walk away easily.My gratitude and interest will always lead me to you again.
It’s my heart’s curse.

Thank you for reading.