Carry

Another late night post,another flood of thoughts coming to my mind.
There is this feeling inside that I can’t simply rid myself of,no matter how much I falsely smile to make others be at ease or how I verbally say “I’m fine”,I am not oke,but I have to pretend to be for the sake of others.It’s the way it’s always been.

One aspect of my life I am not shy to hide is the fact that i do suffer from depression in a great amount.The main proponent of my depression is my father’s passing.I do have a mother and other siblings but my father was the one that i could run to when things seemed heavy or i was being a brat.Mind you that I was only 14 when he died,so my struggles became all the more unbearable as I’ve aged and I couldn’t fall back on the other arms in my life.Alot are unwilling if not annoyed to always catch you when you fall.

I don’t know what my problem is recently,but I feel the need and desire have someone to fall in to.It’s selfish because if you overload someone with your issues and an overbearing/dramatic actions,you ultimately drive them away.I learned that the hard way this week.
I guess with my health the way it is and just being stressed,I feel very alone and I just want to be with people or anyone that will comfort me in their arms.It’s a selfish feeling because everyone is going through something and the last thing anyone want is to haul around someone else’s baggage.

I woke up from my nap with a sense of clarity;I don’t need anyone.I have been fine on my own thus far and I shall be ne.So to my friends,Mari,and anyone else,Im sorry for placing my weight on you.It was selfish and it will never take place again.My feelings are best bottled up,swallowed,and i be reborn with a fierce fire for life.
I will always offer my help to anyone that needs it,but please,let me walk on my own.Thank you

Until next time,Thank you for reading

Soledad y felicidad

There is something quite humbling about walking underneath the darkening evening skies of Tokyo after a long day of work.
For 32 years I have walked this atmosphere and for each day,the experience is still an enlightening moment.So sincere and calming,yet loud in silence and vivid in provoking thoughts.

I had my usual busy day today,working an 8-9 hour shift,and I went to this mexican restaurant named: Guzman y Gomez in Shibuya.I am glad i did because I had an amazing lunch and one of the workers recommended me a dish and i had tears of joy from every bite yo!Hahaha!I like to randomly surprise myself every now and then.
As my day comes to end,I can’t help but feel somewhat empty.No I am not sad,but it’s a form of loneliness that isn’t painful nor tear invoking,It’s just I return to my little apartment and I find myself talking to my echo vibrating off the walls.Am I going insane?Has my mental capacity broken down?Or am I missing someone?It’s more so that I am missing someone very much but I must be mindful that she is also most busy in her life currently.She is working so hard and she is succeeding at a phenomenal rate!I couldn’t be more proud.Maybe I am selfish,but that person makes me so happy when I see her face or hear her voice,so is my loneliness justified?I don’t know,But what I do know is that i miss you,Mari

I am happy whilst in my loneliness,but I’m still yearning nonetheless.
As long as she keeps giving it her all,I’ll look to these wonderful skies and convey my heart to her through the traveling winds!

嵐- Arashi

There are times in which you awaken in total peace,a serenity of blissful portions,but there are those days where everything that can go wrong does go wrong.I am having one of those days,and gosh…it’s been on an epic scale!
Welcome to the storm!

Tuesday,my “peaceful” rest day away from work actually becomes the day where peace is replaced with annoyance and agitation.I don’t know why or how,but I am literally in the worst mood possible.It’s not like I had a stressful prior Monday or anything of the sort;I just wake up sometimes and feel like I shouldn’t be awake.
Don’t get me wrong,I am not emo.Those days are long gone along with the cheap hair dye,dark clothing,and nail polish.
I think I have literally woken up on the rough side of the bed.

I do want to thank my wonderful and PATIENT girlfriend,Mariana for putting up with my unpredictability and unstable attitude today.She is my foundation and my safe haven.I will talk more in depth about her in my following post.So yeah,You’re getting a “My Gf is the best gf” post because Mariana is simply that,T-H-E B-E-S-T!

Well I will go back to containing my mood with Chocolates,Kid Cudi (his latest album: “Passion,Pain,and Demon Slaying”is a great listen btw),and sketching.Why does my sketches make me hate my hands!!Ugh!
On that note,I will enter my storm and exit this rant.You all have a great day and STAY positive yo!
Until next post…
Thank you for reading
Ja ne yo!

Certainly!…NOT?

Happy August 1st,everyone!

I took a long nap earlier in the day and I totally wasted my off day from work!Grrrr!But hey,I am a king insomniac,so my being awake fully at this time is no big surprise.
Anyhow,I just want to lie down my thoughts of the day here.

Everyone wants certainty in their life.Be it job security,financial stability,romantic placement,etc.It’s not uncommon to seek out such certainty with such serious hearts.
But,certainty is sometimes an illusion.It’s a mirage over the hot sands of curiosity.You can see it,you can hear it,therefore you trust it.It’s common human error and it’s one that leads to disappointments,tears,and broken spirits.

I am no saint when it comes to reassuring something,because I too have been guilty of the “Certainly!….Not?”,and that type of attitude has landed my bum in a lava pit more than once.
Being on both sides surely is a funny thing to experience.On one hand,you give out hoping its never returned,yet when you are on the opposing side of it,you ask yourself, “why would he/she do that!?”.
It’s a little disheartening.

It’s oke to believe in what you want,but don’t allow it to be just that,… A belief.Sometimes it’s totally normal to be skeptical,because you never know what is certain and what is not.You leave room in between you and possible disappointment.

Ah,Enough of empty ranting.I’m going to go sketch and maybe stuff my face with food at 4am!Hahahahaha.
Good night everyone.

Welcome To The Matrix

Matulog

SLEEP!!

Is where I been all of this time yo!Haahaha.Hello everyone.Well,I should say,Good early morning everyone.It’s about 7 minutes away from 4AM at the time of writing and I am dead tired and sick yo!Fever is kicking my ass all over this room.

Actually,I was struck by a car 3 months ago after walking home from work,buuuuut…I never made it home from work yo!hehe,I nearly had my soul knocked from my body yo!Maybe it did happen,because I actually was in a coma for 2 months (most of January and February).Bad news for my haters,I AM STILL ALIVE YO!!!MWAHAHAHAHAH!

Anywho,It’s been a crazy reality since I reopened my eyes,and I will tell you all why,but not into detail.
I actually woke up to bad news(that I totally caused) and with that,I hurt and disappointed two people that have known me for years.There is a reason they should hate my guts,but I do once again say,I am sorry.
Secondly,I befriended someone really cool,and sharp tongue baka.Hahahahah.She is my punching bag but a cool writer who is cho lazy.Maybe more lazier than me yo!
Lastly,A dear friend I feared would never return has came back and I am beyond words to describe my joy for that return yo!SPEECHLESS yo!

With that said,Welcome to the matrix,KYOSUKE!!lol.
I’ll be blogging more regularly now that my hands and coordination skills have returned yo!
Until next post,Take care everyone
Ja