Break Over

Since the month of June,I have been staring at my cracked coffee mug,and just kind of baffled how it was actual foreshadowing for the next month.I truly adored this cup since I laid eyes on it in México.I fell in love with the Breaking Bad tv series after declining to watch it during it’s original run,due to it being the “popular” thing to do.Yes I am very weird like that.Anyways,do you just ever sit and notice the little details around you?Like the cup slowly rolling off my table as I watched it reach it’s fall and just sadly picking up the little pieces and lamenting the crack that formed.Welcome to the prelude to the worst month of my life!

I took a social media silence for nearly 2 weeks because I was drunk half the time that I wasn’t overbooked with work,I literally had nothing nice/positive to say at all,and I refuse to write about my shortcomings,when it isn’t I who needs to figure themselves out.I just didn’t want any negativity to come from my heart and be plastered on my pages.Yes,something happened that I honestly knew was coming the moment I looked back and began my trek home.I just knew what I was going to face,yet it isn’t what I wanted but it had to be,but who benefits?That I still can’t answer because everything is a huge wave of confusion right now.I was depressed months before it happened,so I wasn’t angry nor sad when the time came,I just wondered how it was going to be presented to me this time,and I tell you,the presentation made me sound like an inept child lol.
I’m all for self-loathing,but please don’t mistake my crafted numb-mindedness for stupidity.It’s my mechanism to discourage deep conversations,because why build trust when you’re guaranteed to be let down 100% of the time?That was my logic before and I tried to build a foundation alone.I am truly a fool and I try to find redeeming reasons to never give up on people,but I am the one that gets tossed away when new toys appear.It’s life.Nothing more nothing less.

I now spend my days working,drinking,and every morning i listen to past voice messages from someone whom often encouraged me.One particular message that has weighted on me goes like: “To go the distance for another soul is literally the scariest attempt anyone can do.You want to be met in the middle,but we never know what we will find in the middle.”.
I think about that alot and everything that happened this year,even last year and I never found a middle.It’s been a lonely and confusing journey for me.Have I completely given up?No way,but I can’t cry anymore.I still have hope.I just truly want to understand why I am so hated lol.It’s insane.
All I know is,it’s definitely cracked right now,but not broken.

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The Dark Tide: Sinking

Day 2,39 hours later of no sleep.The air I attempt to breathe is the heaviest by far.I sit across from a mirror,seeing my repulsive reflection reminding me of the trauma my mind is putting me through.
Is that a smile peeking through the somber face?Or is it simply my delirium taunting me of an emotion/action I can not mimic.My head hangs low and my line of sight crashes to the ground.Where does it end?Where did it begin?Please tell me how to stop it!
My sanity slowly begins sinking.

Time

Hello,my dear blog.It has been quite some time since my previous entry and it wasn’t because I had a lack of topics to expand upon,but rather just having zero motivation to write.I go through lazy spells and I refuse to do anything about them but acknowledge that I am indeed inflicted.
Without further ado,here we go!

2017 was by far the most emotional taxing years i have endured in a long time!There was my amazing relationship,working in/traveling to American for months at a time,working 4 jobs simultaneously,studying Spanish,my breakup,and just trying to find that individual strength to overcome everything.It was a year with alot of fireworks….but sometimes,there are explosions that damage things you cherish.i lost a dear friend of mine and I honestly felt like I lost myself for awhile.That person helped me through an awful time in my life when help or advice was very few and far.So losing her was a blow to my very soul.Just a month before she passed,I almost commited suicide until I received a call on my phone and her first words were: “I think this hair dye is making me high” and I just laughed so hard that I broke down in tears.She had no idea what I was about to do,but her just being herself saved me from myself and ultimately making the biggest mistake of my life.I just regret that I wasn’t able to save her and thank her for saving me without trying.
I still miss her everyday and when I see her name in my contacts,I feel as she is on vacation and will return shortly,but the reality is that it isn’t as I wish.Sigh…

Value those in your life,because you can’t get time back.No matter how much you hope and pray,time doesn’t stop nor stream backwards.Just reach out and appreciate those you consider important.

Thank you for reading

Maldición Del Corazón

When I was about 6 years of age,my best friend,Akira and I went bike riding and we were both dumb kids,so we rode through mud,insect infested grass,and literally for almost 4 hours.The skies darkened,raindrops started falling lightly,so we gather our remaining energy to begin our journey home.About 10 minutes into the ride with home nowhere in sight,the rain poured heavily upon us,mind you that we were not prepared for rain,thus we had not been dress appropriately for such weather.Akira challenged me with “the first person to reach my (Akira’s) house wins!”,and we started peddling faster,until her front tire hit a big rock and she fell to the ground,her bike not too far beside her,and she cried out from the pain in her ankle.I jumped off my bike,ran over to her,and tried to encourage her to stand so we can make it home to my mother since she is a doctor.Akira couldn’t stand at all,so I kneeled in front of her,looking forward,and I told her to get on my back.I picked her up,leaving the bikes behind,which caused her to feel guilty,so I promised her that I would come back to retrieve the bikes once I get her home.
We finally made it to her home,my legs sore and tired from carrying her,drained of my overall energy,and soaked from the rain; Akira’s mother answered my knock and immediately retrieved Akira and aided her bruised ankle.She told me to come inside to get warm,but I bowed deeply,refused,apologized,and I ran all the way back to retrieve our bikes as promised,returned her bike,and finally I made it home.Later that night I fell ill with a high fever that lasted nearly two weeks

The moral of the story is: No matter my relationship with someone,the changing situations,or feelings,I will never give up on anyone.

The reason I am writing this is because I am attempting to rekindle my friendship with someone whom I’ve dated long ago.Insane,ne?Yes,but where is the golden rule stating that you shouldn’t be friends with your ex?If you’ve started out as friends,then you can easily revert back to friends.She was literally my partner in crime in every sense of the phrase,but our breakup not only put distance between us,it created a huge void that we couldn’t recover from.
I have always said that I forgive everything before anyone ever decides to apologize because I want to keep those precious bonds.Failed feelings of the heart shouldn’t be an excuse to dismiss someone or the memories that were made in happiness.That is my belief and on the grounds of that belief,I have maintained friendships with some of my exes except one lol and I even made good friends with people who’ve bullied me during my school years!I never give up on people that are in my life,because they have impacted it in some capacity and I am grateful for their influence.I know alot of people have given up on me and that is oke.Everyone has their own reasons for keeping you around,but if you ever come into my life,believe that I won’t let you walk away easily.My gratitude and interest will always lead me to you again.
It’s my heart’s curse.

Thank you for reading.

Stranger Things

No this isn’t a post about the wildly popular Netfilx series,because I don’t have Netfilx anymore to review it,all thanks to that bullet to the heart American adaptation of “Death Note”
This post is about my last 2 months,which has for a lack-of-a-better-term been a bunch of strange events.I went from a super clingy(me) relationship with such a sweetheart,to running her away(UNBLOCK ME BAKA!!),and surprisingly,I wasn’t too distraught that I’d gone without sleep for so long that I’d walk into a car,get hit,and end up in a coma for a month lol.I guess it isn’t all too bad ne?
I’ve also went from working at Narita airport,as an internet technician,a store clerk,and translator to scoring the job of my absolute dreams yo!I literally busted my nonexistent hump at 4 places simultaneously to scoring the only one that I needed/wanted!Also,my break up with the sweetheart gave birth to 2(in my opinion) fantastic short stories that I want to start working on.One is a gross romantic story and the other is about finding strength and purpose during depression.More on that later though.

The strangest thing has to go to this woman i was “seeing” (not really) for the last 4 days.So my best friend/ex girlfriend,Asaki gave me the idea awhile ago to just go on dates without expectations and that will distract me from the one I was/still kinda focused on.I told my friends about it just to make small talk and to let them know that my will to live is still there….somewhere lol.So they took the idea,ran with it,and out came a woman I will refer to as A.H,convenient because she was a total asshole,but seriously those are her initials.Anyways,We started talking on LINE for hours a day,my mind is still stuck on the past sweetheart,can’t help it,so I am literally going into this thing only for friendship.No more than friends,no lets grab food on the weekends,and no sex.Back to the hours on LINE part; the majority of the time was spent with her literally talking about herself,her sob stories,and anything I had to add wasn’t relevant enough for her to even touch upon.She was one of those people that love to hear herself speak.So it all accumulated into a lunch date at a ramen shop,my treat.We sat down,ordered food,and as soon as the waitress left,A.H talked nonstop from the moment we ordered til the time food arrived.I think the only words I spoke in that timeframe was: “Yes we are ready to order” lol.
Here’s the kicker,as soon as we finished eating and I was about to add to the conversation,she got up,said: “Thanks for the meal”,left my table,proceeded to sit with another guy,and hug up with him!I was cho confused by the turn of events,that I just stared off into the distance for awhile and somehow manifested a Kyari Pamyu Pamyu song in my head.THAT’S how flabbergasted I was yo!lol.She totally reminded me of someone I dated long ago!
Stranger Things indeed ne

Thanks for reading

Separate Sky

October used to be a month that I looked forward to with such overflowing excitement,but now,I feel nothing but hollow and disappointment.It’s just kind of ironic that last year around this time,I was beginning a business trip in America and I was in a very depressing part of my life.I mean it was so pathetic that I literally caved in to the demands of a ghost.Hahaha.Quite funny ne?
Fast forward to present time and I am not doing any better.I’m over-thinking,I’m anxiously awaiting for a presence that doesn’t recognize me,I’m over-working,and overall I feel defeated.I have no one but myself to blame,because I caved in to a ghost.This time,the ghost was a situation that I mistaken for a mutual bond.Yes,I am quite dumb.

I am sitting outside at the edge of night and wondering what does your sky view look like.It’s a bit baffling that some point in time,our skies seemed to entwine but maybe it was an illusion created by my foolish,hopeful heart.To call you,to hear you,to see you,to share our tales….it was a wonderful time to stand underneath a shared sky,or so I selfishly thought.Without physical evidence,It was nothing more than whisper on the wind ne?Sigh….I was truly selfish and I can’t begin to make it up to you.I don’t know how.The only thing I can do is fade away without a trace.It’s simple.I never existed nor meant anything anyways.Is it disappointing?Sure but it’s nothing new.I have been molded by disappointment when my innocence was stolen at a very young age.I can’t even recall a year in which I haven’t suffered some type of scar.It created me,so I guess I am used to it.
Whether it is friendship or love,it all ends up the same.The actors may change but the ending is always spot on.”You’re a good friend,Kyo but……” Or “I do love you,but…..” Aaaaaaaaaand begin the nice ways of telling me to “fuck off” or dropping hints that my presence is a bother or whatever.All it does is make me feel like I am not good enough.Which I am not.I know that all too well now and there isn’t a lie in the world that can change how I feel.
So yeah….Kyosuke is not a real enough person to be acknowledged.At least that is what my years of trying to bond with others taught.But it’s alright.It truly is.
I just wish I wouldn’t expect people to be different or try to convince me that it will be different.No,you’re all the same but with different excuses.It’s life,and with this type of life,I have lost faith in people,I just try to smile so there will be no worries.

I am only angry with myself for wasting so many people’s time.To everyone,I am truly sorry for everything.
Well,I guess I did enough “Kyo bashing” so I will go have my shower and stare at the ceiling lol.I am truly on my own in a separate sky
Ja ne

Days: Part 2

IM STILL ALIVE!!MWAHAHAHAHA….
To be honest,I’m not sure how,though.I didn’t sleep no longer than 7 minutes in the span of 6 days and I didn’t (couldn’t) eat within that timeframe because my appetite was nonexistent.I know some will say, “Well you have to make yourself eat” and while I appreciate your encouragement,my body doesn’t work that way.If I force feed myself during a period in which my hunger literally gone,I will become sick.I am currently ill and I am not kidding when I say that I feel like I was buried alive underneath hot rocks.Long story short,Im in the hospital and I feel like I am close to death.lol

Yes,I am indeed a patient in the hospital due to my “extreme condition” and i am under sedatives so i literally feel and think nothing now that I am here.Maybe the nurses are trying to reset my memory and reprogram me to be “normal”!!That is a bit of a reach,but who really knows people true intentions these days ne?
The sedatives are supposed to help me relax and calm my emotional distress but it really doesn’t seem to be working.Everyday I think about a day or words that were said that cracks more of my confidence and trust in others and anything.I still haven’t been able to eat solid foods so I am getting fed apple sauce!!YESSSSS!At least that’s one positive!

I had my friend Megumi bring me my Spanish books because I refuse to let all my hard work and dedication go to waste!So I study at least 5 hours a day and the nurses hate me for it!lol.I never play by the rules yo!
I don’t know,it’s proving difficult to fake smiles or hide my unhappiness now.I was really good at that,but all it takes is an event that makes you realize that you weren’t truly good enough.I guess the truth hurts ne?Well bring on more pain because it’s all I ever feel now.hahaha…
It’s almost 4am and guess who can’t sleep again!?THIS BAKA!!

Thank you for reading
Take care!

Run

“Where did you go?
Why did you run so far?”
The words I shout as I try to keep up on the broken path you left behind.Afraid to stop chasing you because my heart is afraid of losing your presence completely,but it seems that not even your shadow remains.
Stopping along the cracked and crumbling pathway,I fall to my knees from the weight of disappointment and sorrow.The realization that you are really gone and I can’t locate you like before burns away the rope of hope that I’ve held on to for so long.The dream of catching up to you and seeing your face is slowly becoming a horrendous nightmare.I’m scared…

My legs won’t move,my heart silently beats,and I lost sight of your road.Do I give up?Is this what you want?I don’t know.I’m stuck and I’m becoming nothing more than a burden….I guess this is where the story ends.I have failed

Opening my eyes again,It’s 11:36pm,and the Friday Tokyo night’s atmosphere is quiet.I only have one question: Why can’t I sleep!?

Thank you for reading my nonsense

Hiatus No More

I have been away for quite some time,ne?I guess that is my fault….well IT IS my fault.The reason for my extended absence is a result of my mental health(depression) reaching an all time high and My lack of interest in anything(depression again).That is a subject I will touch upon in a later post,but I want to make this quick and simply state that I am back.

My drawing above came from a dream I had last night about how people perceive me topless compared to what I actually look like without a shirt.I’m quite the sack of bones ne?Lol.I got a good chuckle from sketching this.I plan to post more of my artwork here often.If you are ever curious to check out my other stuff,you can always check my instagram ( http://www.instagram.com/knky0 ) for more and if you really like it,follow me.It would be greatly appreciated no matter what you choose to do yo!^.^

Thank you all for reading!