Since the month of June,I have been staring at my cracked coffee mug,and just kind of baffled how it was actual foreshadowing for the next month.I truly adored this cup since I laid eyes on it in México.I fell in love with the Breaking Bad tv series after declining to watch it during it’s original run,due to it being the “popular” thing to do.Yes I am very weird like that.Anyways,do you just ever sit and notice the little details around you?Like the cup slowly rolling off my table as I watched it reach it’s fall and just sadly picking up the little pieces and lamenting the crack that formed.Welcome to the prelude to the worst month of my life!
I took a social media silence for nearly 2 weeks because I was drunk half the time that I wasn’t overbooked with work,I literally had nothing nice/positive to say at all,and I refuse to write about my shortcomings,when it isn’t I who needs to figure themselves out.I just didn’t want any negativity to come from my heart and be plastered on my pages.Yes,something happened that I honestly knew was coming the moment I looked back and began my trek home.I just knew what I was going to face,yet it isn’t what I wanted but it had to be,but who benefits?That I still can’t answer because everything is a huge wave of confusion right now.I was depressed months before it happened,so I wasn’t angry nor sad when the time came,I just wondered how it was going to be presented to me this time,and I tell you,the presentation made me sound like an inept child lol.
I’m all for self-loathing,but please don’t mistake my crafted numb-mindedness for stupidity.It’s my mechanism to discourage deep conversations,because why build trust when you’re guaranteed to be let down 100% of the time?That was my logic before and I tried to build a foundation alone.I am truly a fool and I try to find redeeming reasons to never give up on people,but I am the one that gets tossed away when new toys appear.It’s life.Nothing more nothing less.
I now spend my days working,drinking,and every morning i listen to past voice messages from someone whom often encouraged me.One particular message that has weighted on me goes like: “To go the distance for another soul is literally the scariest attempt anyone can do.You want to be met in the middle,but we never know what we will find in the middle.”.
I think about that alot and everything that happened this year,even last year and I never found a middle.It’s been a lonely and confusing journey for me.Have I completely given up?No way,but I can’t cry anymore.I still have hope.I just truly want to understand why I am so hated lol.It’s insane.
All I know is,it’s definitely cracked right now,but not broken.