This drawing is something I had fun with,but it also breaks my heart.No,the line work was completed months ago,but the colouring aspect is what cues the feelings.I know these statements are baffling,but I shall illuminate the cause of my wording.
Yesterday,for the first time in months that I’ve spent more than an hour in a home that wasn’t my own.I spent the day with my new friend and she encouraged me to bring my laptop to her place,so that we could work together.I insisted that I like to draw/colour alone,but you persisted and I just caved.So I set up my laptop,opening the colourless line art,and she suddenly asked about the back-story of this character.No one has asked me about stuff regarding my art in years,so I was taken aback.She quickly caught on that the drawing was me,but she wondered why I wanted to be alone to fill myself with colour.She wondered why I don’t “shine” as it suggest in the name of the drawing.She wondered why I am self-secluded and cold.I paused and ceased my colouring.I clenched my teeth,made sounds but words weren’t found,and I lowered my head.She asked why am I hiding my heart from everyone.I couldn’t hold my tears back and I lost control of my emotions.
Since April,I have been experiencing so much heartache,so much pain,so much disappointment,betrayal,just overall feeling like no one gave a damn about me or like my life was a joke.I put on a fake smile,I pretended I was fine,and I limited my interaction with everyone,until everyone forgot about me.I have truly been alone…..until now.She has only known me for 2 weeks and she has made me face what I have been running from since the Spring…. my broken heart.
I couldn’t negate the tears from falling and sat in front of me,lift my head up,told me it’s ok to be sad,because a good heart can never be truly broken.”Cry and clear your vision once more.Look elsewhere and find yourself.”I opened my eyes to stare at her,she smiled,left,and came back with beer for us both.Hahaha I then found the strength to finish colouring and she sat to watch me for 5 hours.I am so serious lol.
The point of this story is,I have been lying to myself about how I feel and I was faced with my true heart yesterday.It doesn’t feel good,but I guess my broken path starts now.
This drawing will always be a reminder of the day I finally acknowledged my true feelings.Thank you.