For the last 23 hours,I have decided that my trip to Guadalajara,Mexico is cancelled.Will it stay cancelled?I really don’t know,but at this point in time and with every little fear,insecurity,and lack of hope has me on the edge of collapse.I truly want to go and be the person of my word no matter the modifications that have made this process most discouraging.I guess if I am still feeling this way around this time next week,I’ll truly be home for the holidays in Tokyo lol.Like my pun there?No no,It wasn’t clever.I suck at those yo!
Let’s be honest here,I am heartbroken,I’m in pain,I’m sad,I’m being replaced,and I’m still hopeful.I lost someone that truly captured my attention more than anyone has before,someone I could talk to for hours on end about nothing that seemed cho important,and most importantly,I lost my best friend.Yes,I have a huge crush on someone who is fantastic in every way possible.She can talk and you immediately fall in love with her voice,she stares at you and you are lost in her beautiful brown eyes,her humour is so on point,and her presence make the darkest of times,the best of times.That’s my crush.I know,it’s funny that I got myself twisted into a pretzel just for a “crush”,but if you knew what I know,you would understand how addictive this person truly is.She was my little piece of heaven.
She is waaaaaaay out of my league,but I never gave up trying to win her attention.I am learning her mother tongue to try to impress her with my ability to speak on par with her beautiful voice and to prove that nothing is too difficult when she is the one I’m aiming for.I still suck at Spanish,but oi,I’ll get better and I’ll probably drop english for it yo!lol!
I worked literally 4 jobs simultaneously to fund a trip to her city so that I can confess my admiration of her and profess my love to her.To be able to hold both her hands in mine,look her in the eyes,and speak words that are true and that convey how she is worth everything no matter the hardship,she is worth fighting for.I guess that’s why this trip means so much to me,and it’s probably the scariest thing I have ever attempted in my life.
You will read that paragraph and go “If she is so special,why cancel???”
Well,When someone is unsure about you,but you are most certain of them,who gets hurt in the end?When you feel deeply about someone and they feel less about you,who grows a hole in their chest?When you extend your hand while falling in love,but the recipient turns and walks away,who do you think falls into a downward spiral of one sided painful emotions?That’s where I am currently residing lol.I am falling and I’m praying for the bottom,but it never comes.I’m stuck in a one sided love and it’s a tornado of misery,yet I am hopeful that love prevails.My heart is telling to keep fighting,but my mind is asking why am I going the distance for something that won’t move an inch towards you.I’m torn and that’s why I want to cancel this trip,but I also want to go.I just don’t know anything.I don’t talk to my crush at all anymore and I know she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore because she says so indirectly.I understand that.I am annoying.I just don’t know where my heart is going,but I do know is that I have a crush on someone that is making me lose my mind lol.So as of now,I’m not going to Mexico.
Thank you for reading