Seems like I rehash this topic alot here,but it’s done in good faith to keep my blog up to date on my happenings.Anyways,I shall return to blogging regularly soon.I am still in México and that within itself is enough material to fuel at least 20 entries lol.Seriously,It has been a roller coaster.
I took time away from blogging to kinda detox from all the negativity lately,but to no avail.So screw it,I’ll blog whatever the fuck I feel.I am not paid to do this,so I don’t care about “keeping it classy”.
Hey everyone.How’s it going?
I haven’t been blogging alot over the last few months and that is because i haven’t been mentally sound.I don’t like to blog when I feel down,because I will write exactly what this post is about to be; truly depressing.I’m sorry.
I was Sketching last week and I got the idea of a person who has been soaring through life no matter the harsh rains that came,his wings held him afloat.Suddenly,a new harsh storm appeared.This was no rain like any other before.His wing was lost in the storm,his body beaten,brought to his knees in agony,and only one wing left to shield him.He will never soar again.
I drew that because it’s a play on a situation in my life that has truly grounded me.Gripping sadness and feeling like a piece of trash to someone I always proudly stood beside.This time,that person only viewed me as a burden and decided to let me know that in my dire time of need.I truly am not happy and every day I don’t want to live through this feeling.I feel like I am in hell.All I can say is…. I am trying to be alive again.
As I enter my last 10 days in México,I often reflect on the 2 months that I have spent here.I know,it’s alright been 2 months and I feel as nervous and unpredictable as I did when I touched down in Guadalajara!Where has the time gone?
The title of this post is “Slow Burn”,because everything started burning slowly since I have arrives in August.Everything is finally lying itself out in front of me or at least that is what I tell myself to bear no attachments to this place.It’s easier this way.
Initially,I wasn’t having a good time here nor did I understand what I was doing back here.I had my life set in Japan; decent job(hated it),apartment,and I was seeing someone(?).I don’t know what drew me back to Mexico,but I guess it was the tequila sunrise,that I haven’t had one sip of since returning lol!Anyways,I started out here all alone and not close to anyone or anything.It was a very lonely decision but it was loneliest when I was in the airport waiting to be picked up.I don’t know how,but it was kind of comforting,considering it is what I was expecting.
As time went on,I felt myself change and my loneliness began to find comfort,but only temporary… it still counts ne?I had HUGE plans on how I would stay and find anyway possible to stay with my temporary comfort,but I knew that it wouldn’t be so simple.It didn’t stop me from trying and failing at every turn lol.Oh man,did I fail so historically hahaha…
Don’t get me wrong,I had/having a blast in Mexico.I’ll never forget this amazing country and it’s beautiful culture.I just wish I did things differently,because it would have saved me from this yearning and longing for something that was only temporary.I fall asleep at night wishing I had that comfort again,I lie awake longing for the embrace of that comfort,and I spend every lonesome second missing that comfort.
You may be asking yourselves, “why temporary?”.Well,in my first 2 weeks here,I planted the seeds of unintentional sabotage.A secret that ripped the doors of trust off my safe haven,my emotional instability draining the energy from light in my comfort room,and just not being enough to satisfy the conditions to uphold the weight of it all.I failed and damned myself to be alone this time.I don’t cry,I don’t complain,nor do I ask questions.I know this slow burn of sabotage and destruction was my own doing.I am paying for it and in 10 days,I will leave here permanently with deep regret.
I have failed.
This isn’t going to be a very lengthy post,so I apologize for my short words.
I don’t want to get into specifics or anything,but I will just say it; I’m sick.Very sick lol.I never wanted to talk about it nor even think about it,but I guess I should make it somewhat known now,before I won’t have the chance.
These last few weeks have literally been hell.No,I am not referring to my last post,but health-wise,I have been struggling.The feeling of forcefully escaping oneself is agony and I feel that way currently.I guess my struggle is why I am trying desperately to enjoy my life with every ounce of energy in me.I don’t want to miss anything and I already feel like I am missing the world.I have grown so far detached from everything and everyone that it’s almost darkness at every turn.Now I find myself counting days and singing songs in my head for comfort.”Just hold on for a little while longer” is how I motivate myself to start the day.Pretty dumb ne?lol.
Well I am going to lie down and preserve my energy and my head is going to explode lol.Anyways,don’t waste any moment.Cherish everything yo!
I know that the last time I posted was about 3 weeks ago and I was in Puerto Vallarta with no wifi.It was rough!I am safe and sound back in Guadalajara and I just want to talk openly for a little while.
Please forgive the rambling.
The human heart is weird,like REALLY weird!I have always believed that there existed 2 hearts,one as your organ and the other for unexplained emotions.This post is going to highlight how my second heart has made my second stint in Mexico a nightmare.
I don’t think I have mentioned or if I ever wanted to,but my return visit to Mexico wasn’t necessarily the most emotionally rational idea that I have in some time.I mean,I am ridiculous in every sense of the word,but coming back here without a proper reason nor proper place was just idiotic.I’ll tell you,no one feels more like the world’s biggest idiot than me right now.The moment I stepped off my Interjet plane and made contact with Guadalajara’s soil,my heart began it’s wandering.”What to do?Where to go?Whom to trust?Why can’t I forget?” Those were the questions pumping my foolish endeavour in this country once more.No,I wasn’t simply a tourist,because I felt like a man on a mission to uphold a promise made in April.A promise that was less sweet than it previously was when the words came about.Things went dark for me emotionally in the time in between trips and that was my fault.I wasn’t as hopeful nor happy as I was when I initially made the plan to return.
Fast forward to 2 months later and my heart has wandered so far that I am probably the most unhappy I’ve been in a long while.My heart led me away from the task of a 1 week visit,it led me down a dark emotional tunnel,it left me confused,it’s made me say things I would’ve never said at any point in my life,it’s made me feel like my breakdowns are making me emotionally abusive,It’s made me conceal myself in a lonely room all day long,it’s left me in a country unknown to me with no money,and I am left all alone because of my silly wandering heart.
I don’t feel safe,I don’t feel happy,I don’t feel loved,I don’t belong,and I am scared.I am lost and confused and it’s truly all my fault for thinking that I could be much more just because my heart led me to believe that there was something for me to fight for.I am ashamed.This is the end.
It’s been a solid month since I packed my bags(forgot a ton of stuff),rushed to the airport,nearly missed 2/4 of my flights,and got delayed in Mexico City due to a terrible rain storm.So after all that rough business,I have been here in Guadalajara for month and it has been fun,but cho stressful.
My first day back in Guadalajara was probably the most difficult and heartbreaking days of my trip,but at least on the second day,I went to the zoo and did the skyview attraction!It was everything I had been looking forward to since I departed in April.I have been stuffing my face with delicious food and beverages since I got here.I had an amazing burger appropriately named the “Dorito Burger”!Do you need any more of a description?hahaha!The one thing I do fault myself for is not being wise with my spending.I went through the majority of my money in a matter of weeks yo!I am cho disappointed in myself.What’s done is done ne.
This trip has been an emotionally difficult decision for me also,because I went into this thing not in the best mental state.That type of thing along with many other factors has made me kinda dreadful during my second visit to Mexico.I find myself depressed nearly everyday and I am trying so hard to be positive and then it all accumulates into a panic attack.It’s not fun!Speaking of “depressing”; I started the animated Netflix series “Bojack Horseman” and that show is a dark roller coaster!Definitely not recommended to watch that show while you are already feeling down lol.
Not all has been bad though.I am enjoying myself more and more each day.
Tomorrow,I am going to Puerto Vallarta and I will be soaking up the sun in that beautiful setting once more.Hopefully,I can find a reason to be useful there.Oh,before I forget,I will be without wifi for awhile,so this will be my last post for a short while.I am sorry!!
Thank you for reading
For an entire month I have had the urge to blog and the urge is the strongest it has ever been.I have also resisted that urge,whether it’s lack of motivation or just simply neglect due to being occupied by my trip in México.Who knows.The point is,I have so much I want to say and I have my platform to do just that,but…. I feel like I am shutting down and it’s affecting me in more ways than one.
I know I must power through this dilemma of mine and start pumping out content and I am certain tomorrow will be the start.I have some ambitious plans and I want to share them with you all.I am in a beautiful country and I want you all to join my adventure.I am also going through a very uncertain time in my life and you guessed it,I want you all to listen (you don’t have to listen lol).I shall return soon!Stay tuned!
I am sorry for the lack of posting but rest assured,I am coming back and with stories from my trip to México!Yes,I am in México currently and it’s AWESOME!!Stories from México right from the source of the chaos!Yes I was yelling the entire time!
This is it.This is my final hours before I board my plane to México.I am pretty nervous but then again,I am calm…. if that makes sense.I know,it’s dumb,but I can’t really explain how I have gotten to this point.
I am absolutely TERRIFIED about flying again,because there have been alot of international flight incidents lately and that doesn’t sit well with me.I am also worried about delays because the weather isn’t at it’s best for flying(please no delay!!) and I am looking forward to seeing México again.I am afraid of not properly communicating with waiters/waitresses and everyone else.Please forgive this mute baka,México.
So yeah…. I am prepared and not so prepared to be going through this again.
Wish me luck!
Do you remember how yesterday I pretty said that I wasn’t that excited about going back to México this time?I LIED!!I am chooooo pumped up to be back and I literally can smell some of the scents that left an impression on me from my last trip!I’m that FLIPPIN excited yo!Hahaha…. but with that excitement comes great anxiety.For one thing,flying is never a fun experience for me because…. you know… I hate heights and secondly,I have to make my way around on my own and I have to talk to people in Spanish ON MY OWN!!!AHHHHHH!I guess I’ll be around after the first few hundred screw ups lol.
I thought about getting on the buses again(it was seriously fun),but since my lack of proper Spanish and the ability to understand alot of it,Uber will be my best option.I plan to go to the movie theater a ton!Also bar-hopping Kyo will come out if retirement lol.Don’t worry,I’ll be safe yo!
Wooooooo!2 days remaining!LETS ROCK,MÉXICO!!!