Good Morning my dear blog!
I have a short little entry today and it’s basically thanking a few people.I also want to take the time to thank each and everyone that stops by and reads my blog.I honestly don’t think I am an interesting writer,nor is my English precise enough to be good at this(English isn’t my first language).So thank you all so very much!I am truly grateful.
As you all know,I have been dealing with depression in my last few entries and I am insufferable in that state.I am sorry.I can confidently say that I am FINALLY over my depression for now,but I don’t feel as happy.To be frank,I feel cold and as if something is missing.I know I am of no importance to anyone,so are my feelings invalid?I don’t know,but what I do know is that I truly need to be grateful for my friends.
I complain alot about how “annoying” or “dumb” they are,but truth be told,they never fail to leave me alone.Me being the introvert that I am,that is seen as a negative thing,because I want to be alone(have my time),but not actually feel alone.Those people text/call nonstop yo!They literally show up to my apartment unannounced and drag me,yes,literally drag me out to a little pub to drink or to catch a meal somewhere.As I sit there,I may appear to be cho annoyed,but inside I am swelling up with joy that I sometimes can’t contain my smile(as if they could see it,because of my famous mask).
The last few weeks has been rough and stressful,because I am actually traveling to Mexico this time(long story) and I want everything to go right.Last minute shopping,preparations,fundings,etc.It’s all overwhelming and I just need a little support,but I don’t expect any to pop out from thin air lol.
The point is,I need to be more grateful of my friends.I truly appreciate you all more than you know.I will definitely hug you all soon and express my gratitude.I understand the majority of you won’t understand,so when I see you next,I’ll give you an earful in Nihongo!Thank you,my friends.
Have you ever logged into one of your social media accounts,start scroll eagerly to feel nostalgia from your past,and just when everything seems all light and fun,you come across some regrettable stuff that makes you go (WHO WAS I!?)
Sigh…..Unfortunate for me,I opened up my old facebook account for the first time in almost 4 years.I am fully active….well partially active because I am really disinterested in that platform now.Well,it was all good seeing all my old friends there and I had long abandoned the account (I’m sorry everyone),but the good times stopped rolling.I’m kind of a forgotten relic there now.So instead of posting,I spend my time scrolling through my old post and it is really a testament to how dumb I was.There is stuff that makes me grind my teeth because there is some cringe-inducing things!
The worst part about it all is the gushing over certain people and it is totally regrettable.I used to pride myself on keeping my personal life and social media separate,but along came a spider and poisoned my logic!
I look back on that type of posting and ask myself (Why was I ever crazy about this person!?)lol.Yeah,it’s that bad.Oh well,time to clean up the garbage and contemplate if I should delete the account or not.
This is usually the part where I begin yelling some statement to prove my impending excitement towards something,but not today.Maybe not any day as of late.I don’t know why but I am really not excited about anything nor am I really looking forward to anything.It feels like I am living my mid-20s again where I was trained to not expect anything good or anything worthwhile to happen for me lol.The funny thing about this time is,I am going to Mexico for sure next month,I seriously have an amazing job,and my stars seem to be aligning lately,but why am I sitting here in bed and really resigning myself to already having a lackluster day?It’s a shame,because I have much to look forward to.
My hope is that this is just a temporary mood after finally finding my way out of depression.Whatever it may be,I hope it ends soon,so I won’t want to sleep all day yo!Lets begin my rejuvenation! Anyways,back to sleep lol.
Thank you for reading
I was going to do a third entry to my “Dark Tide” mini story,but here I am to say “Screw that!”
The meaning behind those post was a result of my current state of depression.Yes,I am horribly depressed and it’s making me physically ill,Seeing things/people that aren’t here anymore,loss of appetite,feeling alone,hopeless,and simply wanting to die.Yes,it’s a tough pill to swallow when someone tells you that they think about dying or in coded terms “escaping”.It started last Thursday,I finished wishing my crush a good night and boom,depression punched me right in the nose!Since then,I hear a voice telling me how to rid myself of depression for good,but the advice is usually a suicidal method.So I know that my depression is urging me to off myself sooner rather than later.Over the past few days I have contemplated slitting my wrist,hanging myself in my bedroom,drowning in my bath,poisoning myself,and jumping in front of a train.I apologize if this is too graphic,but my blog style is all about sheer honesty no matter how heavy.
Lucky for me,I am still here to share this story.
The way I have been coping with my mood,my disease and all the ill-thoughts attached to it,I simply dance.You heard it right;I dance myself into of state of perseverance.I put my headphones on,i plug into my ipod nano (yes i still own one),maybe I’m feeling some Utada Hikaru, or wavy Kid Cudi,or fist pounding Dir En Grey,or euphoric ODESZA.Whatever I choose to listen to,my life is transformed into a stage in which I am the performer and I will give the performance of a lifetime.
Singing and nodding my head on train,Dancing,spinning,swaying my arms into the Tokyo nights to rhythm of my favourite songs,or just going absolute insane in my bedroom to some roaring metal.No matter the setting or song,I feel the weight of depression weakening and I am free to soar in that moment.
Life gets heavy,why not enlighten ourselves with some joy.
Day 2,39 hours later of no sleep.The air I attempt to breathe is the heaviest by far.I sit across from a mirror,seeing my repulsive reflection reminding me of the trauma my mind is putting me through.
Is that a smile peeking through the somber face?Or is it simply my delirium taunting me of an emotion/action I can not mimic.My head hangs low and my line of sight crashes to the ground.Where does it end?Where did it begin?Please tell me how to stop it!
My sanity slowly begins sinking.
So I finally got around to finishing the ink work on this sketch.Im pretty satisfied with.It only took 5 months to complete lol.
The funny/pathetic story about this piece is that I drew this based on something dumb I did.As you can see,the mask guy represents me because,well…I am the masked blogger and the pink hair woman is my crush.
I have a huge crush on the pink hair woman and we have each other added on all of our social media sites.I generally like to play it “cool” and not comments or like post(don’t ask why.I’m weird).I was stalking her page and I accidentally hit the “like” button on one of her post and I immediately retracted it lol.My head was flooded with “what-if” scenarios of getting caught.It was pretty silly and it gave birth to the idea of this drawing.Fun times yo!
Hello,my dear blog.It has been quite some time since my previous entry and it wasn’t because I had a lack of topics to expand upon,but rather just having zero motivation to write.I go through lazy spells and I refuse to do anything about them but acknowledge that I am indeed inflicted.
Without further ado,here we go!
2017 was by far the most emotional taxing years i have endured in a long time!There was my amazing relationship,working in/traveling to American for months at a time,working 4 jobs simultaneously,studying Spanish,my breakup,and just trying to find that individual strength to overcome everything.It was a year with alot of fireworks….but sometimes,there are explosions that damage things you cherish.i lost a dear friend of mine and I honestly felt like I lost myself for awhile.That person helped me through an awful time in my life when help or advice was very few and far.So losing her was a blow to my very soul.Just a month before she passed,I almost commited suicide until I received a call on my phone and her first words were: “I think this hair dye is making me high” and I just laughed so hard that I broke down in tears.She had no idea what I was about to do,but her just being herself saved me from myself and ultimately making the biggest mistake of my life.I just regret that I wasn’t able to save her and thank her for saving me without trying.
I still miss her everyday and when I see her name in my contacts,I feel as she is on vacation and will return shortly,but the reality is that it isn’t as I wish.Sigh…
Value those in your life,because you can’t get time back.No matter how much you hope and pray,time doesn’t stop nor stream backwards.Just reach out and appreciate those you consider important.
I’m so sorry,my blog!The lack of posts and updates is most unfortunate,but life gets in the way yo!I shall return to my all access blogging,because alot has happened between my last post and now.A tragedy,injury,a scare,a HUGE moment,losing a friend,and gaining a new job.I can’t wait to share my experiences soon.Please be patient with me.Thank you so much.
If you would like (I doubt it) you can keep up with me on these sites:
BOYFRIEND FOR SALE!!!
He isn’t the brightest bulb in the lamp,but he will do whatever to bring a smile to your face.He can dance,sing(don’t encourage it),cook(20+ years of experience),laundry is no problem for this lad,and if you can’t speak Japanese,no biggie,he will learn your native tongue (wink wink) lol,but he will seriously learn your language just so he can tell you how much he loves you in words you are familiar with.
Seriously though,this drawing came about after I got dumped not too long ago.Yes,if none of you couldn’t tell by my hyper-emo post for a month and a half,I was suffering from heartache lol.I’m doing much better now,so don’t worry.I can joke about it and my friends seem to get a kick out of it.My best friend,Akira actually inspired this idea.She was like “you get dumped so much,you will need a sign attached to you to find a suitable girlfriend/owner that is willing to love you”,and that’s when i got this idea lol.So yeah,boyfriend for sale.