Anxiously Awaiting

Good morning,bloggers and readers!
Today was supposed to be my first day of my brand new job but,due to the company obtaining my medical information,it was decided that today is not good for them,so tomorrow is the golden day.It’s pretty dumb,considering that 24 hours won’t make much of a difference.I get a free day so,woohoo!
Anyways,the topic of this post is about anxiety and how it drove me crazy the past 24 hours leading up to today.

For those of you who’s been following my blog since its creation and those recently joining me,you may or may not know that I suffer from depression and anxiety.It’s present every waking moment of my life;some days lighter and some days heavier.It has crippled me before and I never shy away from expressing how I feel because of these illnesses.With that stated,yesterday was a nervous hellscape created by my anxiety.
The impending start of my new job brought back the dreaded anxiety of starting something new,somewhere new,and with new people.I literally spent all of yesterday questioning my ability to perform the tasks assigned to me without fail and the fear of having to communicate with new people(my coworkers).I got a migraine,I broke out into a cold sweat,my stomach started cramping,and my body became so restless along with my mind.I kept eating weird combinations of food such as sushi and cookies lol….I wish I was making that up.
My anxious mind kept reminding me of all the things that could go wrong,all the wrong words I would say,and how I am not good enough for the job.I remember spending 2 hours trying to legit think of an excuse to not go into work…It’s pathetic,but anxiety is a very discouraging mountain to climb.

Here I am today,work was cancelled,I still haven’t slept,and still facing minor doses of anxiety.I feel slightly confident today going into tomorrow,but I know how quick the lights of dim confidence can shut off.So I won’t brag.
I read an article that stated that writing sometimes help combat anxiety.That I can vouch for because a lot of my posts come from times when I am feeling most anxious about something taking place in my life.I am grateful for this blog in that aspect,but I feel so bad for the poor souls that have to follow me on twitter during these anxious-filled episodes lol.
For now,I am going to read about gaming news and tips on how to become a travel blogger.After all,I am leaving Japan in 2 months for a new adventure!

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Let’s Take a Trip

Good morning everyone!
I apologize for the lack of updates lately,but I am here now and I have stuff I would like to share.So please don’t expect long posts that drag on like before.I don’t want to be annoying anymore.

Since I can’t sleep,why not blog ne?So here I am and I want to share that August 30th I’m leaving Japan once more but I’ll return October 1st!Just in time for spooky month woo!I have decided since I have a month off,I should take my daughter,Kogi
back home.It’s only fair ne.Anywho,i have my tickets booked and my hotel ready.First stop is in Puerto Vallarta since the tickets from Tokyo to there is choooooo cheap,compared to flying to Guadalajara!So let’s work on our tans before going back to Guadalajara yo!

That’s all I have to share for now.I am kinda sick right now,so I apologize if I don’t post daily.
Thank you for reading.

Sunset

What I am about to say is the direct opposite of my blog title,but….Good morning everyone.

Yesterday was rough for me emotionally,mentally I still haven’t processed what it all means,and physically depression has my body unwilling to move.I called in sick to work today because I just can’t get out of bed and I am not sure when I will be able to.It’s just….nothing in this life is guaranteed to us and we all want to believe that we can hold on forever.The truth is,nothing is really in our grasp fully,we only trick ourselves into clenching what cannot be held forever.Yesterday I learned that the hard way.
The funny thing is,one of my friends reached out to me for a translation and i gladly obliged.The translation was a self-reflection on the fleeing of time.It stated how time is goes by quickly when you are having fun and experiencing new adventures and how time seems to drag on when you are stuck in your boring ways.For the past two years,time went by in a blur.Especially last year.I got lost in a new horizon,I grew with new energy,I bloomed with happiness,and I found a reason to believe in people.I was born anew.The fault is,I never really wanted to see the sunset on this beautiful timeline,because I love how bright and vivid this life has become.Unfortunately,the sun set yesterday and I am lost in this perpetual nightfall of confusion and doubt.

I don’t know what I expected or what I wanted as the endgame,but I know that there is just one fact of life that I want to be around forever.Without that truth,my entire days feel like a blank lie.Nothing makes sense nor does any of it feel real,but I know it is.
The person I am wants to evolve and become someone that could accept and understand the situation in order to prevent the loss of my beautiful sun.I haven’t slept because I am brainstorming how to carry onward and reach that height again.I don’t want this light to fade.I don’t want the sun to set on this reality.I won’t give up.No matter how hard,how much pain I must endure,nor how far I must go….I will come back to seize the day.

Doctor’s Note

Originally,I was going to have my title and a few sentences in Spanish,but my friend whom I have been practicing with is off somewhere being lazy.Just my luck.Anyways, “Doctor’s note” will be my series to document my therapy sessions and how it affects me afterwards.

So it’s been about 3 weeks of steady visits to my therapist and the goal is to take care of my mental health.We have covered a wide-range of topics revolving around my life,some harder than others to discuss,but it’s helpful to let it all out ne.
For the past week and half,I have been dealing with an issue that is heavily bothering me,because of how much I wanted it to be different.The problem is,there are too many red flags that has risen that resembles situations from the past.My hope is that I am just extremely paranoid,but I am starting to doubt my own paranoia lol.It’s a horrible situation but what can you do?Absolutely nothing.

My therapist and I talked about it and she gave me some strong advice.”How much you invest into something won’t always go the way we intend,but you shouldn’t feel bad about trying your best.People all over give minimum effort and they never feel the sting of defeat,so being someone that goes all the way shouldn’t lead to feelings of negativity.Be wise,stay kind,and never match negativity with more negativity.Stay on your course and do things that what make you happy.Get rid of all the core-rotting substances and learn to trust yourself more.”

After my session yesterday,I made a decision that I thought I would never do in a million years and I am kind of proud of myself.I feel like I am in control of a situation that I once had no control over.I am not a dumbass that is easily swayed by nostalgia and I won’t be a fool for anything further.I feel lighter after that talk and I think I will finally be able to close my eyes tonight with as little worry as possible.

My December

Hey!It’s me,Kyo,the madman,insomnia’s slave.Whatever you choose to call me,just know that I am back again with my next entry in less than 10 hours from my previous one.Yay!My anxiety is so bad right now and I can’t imagine closing my eyes!This post will be short,but a light-hearted affair,opposite of what my usual content.Please enjoy.

We all know the story of Christmas,santa Claus,snowy wonderlands,and Jack skeleton trying to bring Christmas to Halloween town lol.Oke oke,that last bit isn’t a part of the Christmas lore,but The Nightmare Before Christmas is one of my favourite Halloween/Christmas flicks.Anyways,Christmas isn’t traditionally a holiday in East Asian and it’s mostly an event to mimic western culture,but not truly capturing the spirit of the season leading up to the day.Sure we get snow,have Santa in store windows,and encouraging people to shop,but it lacks the passion that I have seen in western Christmas movies.
I have traveled to the west before on work assignment during their Christmas time,but I never got a chance to fully engage with it.That was until December of last year.

As most of you that read my blog are aware that I spent the better half of 2018 in Mexico.That also means that I spent the majority of December in Mexico and I got the full experience of Christmas!
For the first time in my entire life,I got to experience and FEEL the excitement surrounding that season!I got to experience families shopping for each other,decorated homes,Christmas songs(I was cleaning while enjoying Spanish Christmas songs lol),the shopping rush at the mall,the christmas themed treats,and I got to experience all of that firsthand by accompanying my roommate on her journey to find the perfect gifts for her family.The daily questioning if one gift was suitable for the person intended or if she needed other gifts,buying a TON of fluff to put in the gift bags,having egg sandwiches and hot chocolate while watching the Santa Clause trilogy (LMAO),and just the overall mood.
It was magical to me.Taking it all in from a perspective of someone that has never experienced it before was truly overwhelming in the best way possible!Yes it happened during a difficult time,but the Christmas spirit that I have only seen from movies was finally felt by me.I am forever changed by it.I honestly wish I could experience it again lol.Too bad I am stuck in Tokyo….

Thanks for reading.

Eye Of The Storm

At the time of writing,it’s been about 9 hours since I’ve made the mistake of speaking my mind into the distance.Originally I had no backup plan or safety net to fall onto,except I was counting on escaping to work just in case a faint voice followed me back.I couldn’t escape to work and luckily,no voice replied.The only downside is that it gave me 9 hours to have extreme anxiety,this nervousness in the pit of my stomach,and extreme doubt that maybe I behaved too hastily.Just know that it’s not a fun time in the Shinobu house right now lol.

On top of the original mess that I’ve created,I have another dilemma that is rapidly unfolding.So you all must be aware of the age-old notion that “Japanese people never stop working”,well there is no lie in that.In fact,this Japanese currently has two jobs and is about to add two more next week for a grand total of four jobs to juggle.How is this possible?When will I have time to breathe?Is this most unhealthy?To answer those questions in order: Maybe…,No,Yes,yes it is.
I know it’s cho excessive,but I have a goal that I am working towards(?) and I did have the means to meet it,until an untimely accident left me useless and ultimately let go.My confidence and pride took a huge hit that day and I have been climbing this dangerous mountain to reach my peak.So here I am,about to be the busiest that I’ve ever been in over 12 years and I don’t know,maybe this is a distraction that I need right now….

Also,MY HEALTH SUCKS!!!!Ahahahahaha!That’s all.

As you can tell,I am currently sitting in the eye of the storm,just watching the impending chaos swirl around me,and eventually will close in,destroying everything in its once calm middle.Until that moment,I’ll be here sipping my tea and playing Super Smash Bros Special/Ultimate for the Nintendo Switch.

Soar: Descending

At the time of writing,it is currently 3:43am,and no,I didn’t have a beautiful death after jumping out a window lol.I am alive and sort of well in my bed.I am here to clear up some stuff from yesterday.

The purpose of my messy post yesterday was to highlight how unbalance I become when I take my antidepressants.Yes,they put me in a forced emotional state of calmness,but my anxiety,fears,and doubts all start overflowing in my vessel.I was ready to explode and at one point,my sadness completely overwhelmed the effects of the medicine and I was in hell.I really wanted to reach out to someone,but I couldn’t and I fell into the madness.I literally went to my apartment’s highest point and I contemplated jumping….but I didn’t.That’s why I am still here lol.
The point is,medicine amplifies my already hypersensitive emotional state.Bad idea.My mood,confidence,and overall health has been in poor condition since April 25th.I am struggling,but it’s life,I guess.

Anyways,these posts are never easy to post,but I just want to capture my journey,no matter how difficult.
Thank you for reading.

Soar

“Now this could be a beautiful death.I’m jumping out the window.Letting everything go”.
Those are lyrics from Kanye West’s song “Power” and I think about them alot.More than I hate to admit…

I feel removed,used,controlled,and unlike myself.I want to break free and finally be free from all of this.I want to never feel the weight of the world again,I never want to smile again with a knife piercing in my back,I never want to be a victim again,and I never want to be….
I always hated the idea of super powers with destructive force or ones that grant whatever you want.I always wanted to fly.I wanted to soar so high and just never touch the ground again.The air of freedom surrounding me as my being elevates far above my worries.Leaving behind things that keep me grounded and insane.That’s what I wanted for so long,but now I am stuck and I don’t like where I am.I don’t like how controlling my therapist is and making me cut ties with people,I don’t like this medication that makes me so calm that I want to off myself,and I don’t want to be sick anymore.I had enough.

I just want to fly away to my freedom.
I promise I will smile and be happy there.
Thank you.

End Of Day

I was walking home,warm Tokyo night air,stomach full of cake and beer,and just a jaded mood.Now,I sit here,eating more cake while drinking my fouth beer,and for some reason,I have decided that I needed a end day blog post lol.

My day(although it’s 1am,a new day) was very strange and exciting at the same time.I woke up not wanting to deal with anything,but then I got two calls confirming that I was accepted in two different job positions!One an office job and the other is more of a heavy lifting gig.It’s fine.I need to regain the strength in my noodle arms.So that was the only good part about my day and the rest just annoyed me.I was already annoyed by the idea of going to therapy to talk about my life and I don’t know,my mood lately has been horrible.I guess I should fake smile more to get through the day,but who cares.95% of my day is spent wearing a lower face mask lol.
I shouldn’t complain.At least I got cake and beer,thanks to a workmate turning 44….yikes!

I guess I need to start applying my two-step facial treatments to deal with these annoying breakouts.I honestly didn’t have to deal with this in Mexico.Wtf Japan!?Anyways,I am going to go do that,have more beer,listen to Utada Hikaru,and I wish you all a good night/day depending on what side of the world you are on!Bai bai!

Escape Route

Good afternoon!I am just getting home from my therapy session and I have some free time before I have to work.Btw,I just secured two more jobs so I have a grand total of FOUR occupations now ahahaahaha!Anyways,I wanted to talk a bit about my session with Eida-san.

As you all know by now,I am dealing with depression and I am currently taking antidepressants,which are making me crazier than normal.That’s besides the point.The topic of this session was my coping mechanisms.How does Kyo cope with the feeling of unwanted sadness and dark thoughts.Eida-san wanted to gauge the level of healthy to unhealthy my coping takes me.
Well,whenever I become extremely down on myself,I start drawing alot(I am currently making posters lol),I listen to music throughout the day to avoid talking to others,I don’t eat,and I just tend to try to overwork myself.So you can tell that my mechanisms are kinda normal to whoa,don’t do that dude!I am sorry,but it’s how I operate.
I hate that she asked me if I have a coping friend(s) to talk with….lol.Dude ahahahaahahaha.Moving on…
I am curious,what are some of your ways of getting through sadness and whatnot?
I want to try new things,so I can keep myself from thinking at all.

There you have it.The worst entry that I have ever submitted,but BLAH!I’m going to eat some gyoza with my child Kogi now.Bai bai.