ここにいる?Wake Up

Lately I have been battling a fever and I lied in bed enduring my body boiling to a blistering temperature.It’s during my downtime that I always face deep,if not,insane questions about my existence and the meaning behind and functions of emotions.I think,well,I KNOW that I am the most insane when I am ill,because I am usually bedridden and forced to become useless while awake and cursing myself for becoming sick.I want to just write down my thoughts here,and I do expect it to be nonsensical.So forgive me in advance for my loopy pondering.

Lying in my bed after a day of continuous actions of my hands.I looked down to my hands and I proceeded to slowly form a fist of my fingers and yet,I was struck with a question,”Why does such action,such a formation of the hand that is used to grip objects,bring pain and sadness to so many people daily?”.I then looked at my hands again and I recalled all the things I have created with my hands and I also assessed how much humans have destroyed with two hands.I guess my pondering is looking for the answer:Every gift can also double as a curse for others.

In the same early morning hours,I was thinking how I felt last year with the passing of someone very close to my heart and the surging emotions I came to feel immediately after learning the news.Sadness,confusion,surprise,anger,disappointment,and I was in the same sense,I was relieved that he didn’t have to suffer anymore.I journeyed forward more into that emotional and roller coaster and I was thinking about the breaks up I had and the friends who came and left my life throughout the 29 years of my existing.There was love,happiness,jealousy,anxiety,and most of all,missing something from my life and heart.
“Why do/did I have to feel those emotions?”,I asked myself.I received not answers,but only more questions in return.Lying confused,I wonder what’s the point of any of these emotions?Why do we have to feel those to be reminded that we are alive?With emotions,comes either great happiness or great pains,so why?
I guess it’s all traced back to the yearning to feel attached to something,the desire to be involved.Good or bad,splendid or regret,we all need emotions to remind us of things we are attached to in order to know we are alive and existed at that point in time.
For me,I often wondered if I would have been better off without the effects of emotions,but…I am alive too and want to be reminded,so..thank you emotions.

The sun rose and my eyes began to slowly shut,as I am a terrible insomniac,so I do not sleep during the night and early morning hours,but I take my trip to the dreamscape during the sunlit moments.I went to that dreamscape with a feeling that I am alive!How did I know I was alive?Well,the burning sensation of the fever and my irritated mood reminded me that my emotions and body functions exist in harmony with me,as we dread the damned fever!
Happy me!I am slightly better,but no less insane!Haha

Thank you all for reading.
Take care
Ja

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