Slow Burn

As I enter my last 10 days in México,I often reflect on the 2 months that I have spent here.I know,it’s alright been 2 months and I feel as nervous and unpredictable as I did when I touched down in Guadalajara!Where has the time gone?
The title of this post is “Slow Burn”,because everything started burning slowly since I have arrives in August.Everything is finally lying itself out in front of me or at least that is what I tell myself to bear no attachments to this place.It’s easier this way.

Initially,I wasn’t having a good time here nor did I understand what I was doing back here.I had my life set in Japan; decent job(hated it),apartment,and I was seeing someone(?).I don’t know what drew me back to Mexico,but I guess it was the tequila sunrise,that I haven’t had one sip of since returning lol!Anyways,I started out here all alone and not close to anyone or anything.It was a very lonely decision but it was loneliest when I was in the airport waiting to be picked up.I don’t know how,but it was kind of comforting,considering it is what I was expecting.
As time went on,I felt myself change and my loneliness began to find comfort,but only temporary… it still counts ne?I had HUGE plans on how I would stay and find anyway possible to stay with my temporary comfort,but I knew that it wouldn’t be so simple.It didn’t stop me from trying and failing at every turn lol.Oh man,did I fail so historically hahaha…
Don’t get me wrong,I had/having a blast in Mexico.I’ll never forget this amazing country and it’s beautiful culture.I just wish I did things differently,because it would have saved me from this yearning and longing for something that was only temporary.I fall asleep at night wishing I had that comfort again,I lie awake longing for the embrace of that comfort,and I spend every lonesome second missing that comfort.

You may be asking yourselves, “why temporary?”.Well,in my first 2 weeks here,I planted the seeds of unintentional sabotage.A secret that ripped the doors of trust off my safe haven,my emotional instability draining the energy from light in my comfort room,and just not being enough to satisfy the conditions to uphold the weight of it all.I failed and damned myself to be alone this time.I don’t cry,I don’t complain,nor do I ask questions.I know this slow burn of sabotage and destruction was my own doing.I am paying for it and in 10 days,I will leave here permanently with deep regret.
I have failed.

These are my thoughts.

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Counting Days

This isn’t going to be a very lengthy post,so I apologize for my short words.

I don’t want to get into specifics or anything,but I will just say it; I’m sick.Very sick lol.I never wanted to talk about it nor even think about it,but I guess I should make it somewhat known now,before I won’t have the chance.
These last few weeks have literally been hell.No,I am not referring to my last post,but health-wise,I have been struggling.The feeling of forcefully escaping oneself is agony and I feel that way currently.I guess my struggle is why I am trying desperately to enjoy my life with every ounce of energy in me.I don’t want to miss anything and I already feel like I am missing the world.I have grown so far detached from everything and everyone that it’s almost darkness at every turn.Now I find myself counting days and singing songs in my head for comfort.”Just hold on for a little while longer” is how I motivate myself to start the day.Pretty dumb ne?lol.
Well I am going to lie down and preserve my energy and my head is going to explode lol.Anyways,don’t waste any moment.Cherish everything yo!

Wandering Heart

Hello there!
I know that the last time I posted was about 3 weeks ago and I was in Puerto Vallarta with no wifi.It was rough!I am safe and sound back in Guadalajara and I just want to talk openly for a little while.
Please forgive the rambling.

The human heart is weird,like REALLY weird!I have always believed that there existed 2 hearts,one as your organ and the other for unexplained emotions.This post is going to highlight how my second heart has made my second stint in Mexico a nightmare.
I don’t think I have mentioned or if I ever wanted to,but my return visit to Mexico wasn’t necessarily the most emotionally rational idea that I have in some time.I mean,I am ridiculous in every sense of the word,but coming back here without a proper reason nor proper place was just idiotic.I’ll tell you,no one feels more like the world’s biggest idiot than me right now.The moment I stepped off my Interjet plane and made contact with Guadalajara’s soil,my heart began it’s wandering.”What to do?Where to go?Whom to trust?Why can’t I forget?” Those were the questions pumping my foolish endeavour in this country once more.No,I wasn’t simply a tourist,because I felt like a man on a mission to uphold a promise made in April.A promise that was less sweet than it previously was when the words came about.Things went dark for me emotionally in the time in between trips and that was my fault.I wasn’t as hopeful nor happy as I was when I initially made the plan to return.

Fast forward to 2 months later and my heart has wandered so far that I am probably the most unhappy I’ve been in a long while.My heart led me away from the task of a 1 week visit,it led me down a dark emotional tunnel,it left me confused,it’s made me say things I would’ve never said at any point in my life,it’s made me feel like my breakdowns are making me emotionally abusive,It’s made me conceal myself in a lonely room all day long,it’s left me in a country unknown to me with no money,and I am left all alone because of my silly wandering heart.
I don’t feel safe,I don’t feel happy,I don’t feel loved,I don’t belong,and I am scared.I am lost and confused and it’s truly all my fault for thinking that I could be much more just because my heart led me to believe that there was something for me to fight for.I am ashamed.This is the end.

Thank you for reading.

Shaky Grounds

It’s been a solid month since I packed my bags(forgot a ton of stuff),rushed to the airport,nearly missed 2/4 of my flights,and got delayed in Mexico City due to a terrible rain storm.So after all that rough business,I have been here in Guadalajara for month and it has been fun,but cho stressful.
My first day back in Guadalajara was probably the most difficult and heartbreaking days of my trip,but at least on the second day,I went to the zoo and did the skyview attraction!It was everything I had been looking forward to since I departed in April.I have been stuffing my face with delicious food and beverages since I got here.I had an amazing burger appropriately named the “Dorito Burger”!Do you need any more of a description?hahaha!The one thing I do fault myself for is not being wise with my spending.I went through the majority of my money in a matter of weeks yo!I am cho disappointed in myself.What’s done is done ne.

This trip has been an emotionally difficult decision for me also,because I went into this thing not in the best mental state.That type of thing along with many other factors has made me kinda dreadful during my second visit to Mexico.I find myself depressed nearly everyday and I am trying so hard to be positive and then it all accumulates into a panic attack.It’s not fun!Speaking of “depressing”; I started the animated Netflix series “Bojack Horseman” and that show is a dark roller coaster!Definitely not recommended to watch that show while you are already feeling down lol.
Not all has been bad though.I am enjoying myself more and more each day.

Tomorrow,I am going to Puerto Vallarta and I will be soaking up the sun in that beautiful setting once more.Hopefully,I can find a reason to be useful there.Oh,before I forget,I will be without wifi for awhile,so this will be my last post for a short while.I am sorry!!
Thank you for reading

Down?

For an entire month I have had the urge to blog and the urge is the strongest it has ever been.I have also resisted that urge,whether it’s lack of motivation or just simply neglect due to being occupied by my trip in México.Who knows.The point is,I have so much I want to say and I have my platform to do just that,but…. I feel like I am shutting down and it’s affecting me in more ways than one.
I know I must power through this dilemma of mine and start pumping out content and I am certain tomorrow will be the start.I have some ambitious plans and I want to share them with you all.I am in a beautiful country and I want you all to join my adventure.I am also going through a very uncertain time in my life and you guessed it,I want you all to listen (you don’t have to listen lol).I shall return soon!Stay tuned!

Final Hours

This is it.This is my final hours before I board my plane to México.I am pretty nervous but then again,I am calm…. if that makes sense.I know,it’s dumb,but I can’t really explain how I have gotten to this point.
I am absolutely TERRIFIED about flying again,because there have been alot of international flight incidents lately and that doesn’t sit well with me.I am also worried about delays because the weather isn’t at it’s best for flying(please no delay!!) and I am looking forward to seeing México again.I am afraid of not properly communicating with waiters/waitresses and everyone else.Please forgive this mute baka,México.
So yeah…. I am prepared and not so prepared to be going through this again.
Wish me luck!

Dos Días

Do you remember how yesterday I pretty said that I wasn’t that excited about going back to México this time?I LIED!!I am chooooo pumped up to be back and I literally can smell some of the scents that left an impression on me from my last trip!I’m that FLIPPIN excited yo!Hahaha…. but with that excitement comes great anxiety.For one thing,flying is never a fun experience for me because…. you know… I hate heights and secondly,I have to make my way around on my own and I have to talk to people in Spanish ON MY OWN!!!AHHHHHH!I guess I’ll be around after the first few hundred screw ups lol.
I thought about getting on the buses again(it was seriously fun),but since my lack of proper Spanish and the ability to understand alot of it,Uber will be my best option.I plan to go to the movie theater a ton!Also bar-hopping Kyo will come out if retirement lol.Don’t worry,I’ll be safe yo!
Wooooooo!2 days remaining!LETS ROCK,MÉXICO!!!

Tres Días

It seemed like such a long while ago that I booked my flight to México and it was the most happiest feeling I had.I felt extremely excited to have tickets back to such a beautiful country and to show my appreciation of a certain day.Well,the situation has changed drastically and I will admit that I do have lots of regrets.I am not really looking forward to it,but here we are!Literally 3 days away from my grand return and I can’t wait to see the country again!I hope my Spanish is good enough to ask directions on my own and to order food!I am looking forward to the nightlife!Also I miss the food soooooo much!I want to go back to the zoo for the sky view and to FINAL finish the last Harry Potter film.I started a marathon of the films 2 days before my departure in April.So I am pretty stoked about finishing that and finishing the puzzle lol!
Wish me luck!

Letters From China

Starting today,I officially have 2 months off from work and you know what that means right???PAR-TAY!!!Wait…..NO!It means that it’s time to think about everything!Yeah…. free time and I have a very complex affair going on and it always starts,middles,and ends with me thinking about myself,the world,and what could’ve been.It’s boarding on insanity at this point,which is WHY I prefer to work forever than to be left with my thoughts.
Such is the case now,I exercised this morning,had my cup of tea,played some music,and then I saw an old drawing.One I haven’t seen in years and with that sight,I thought about something: My high school sweetheart!

I know it’s silly to talk or think about high school anything.Worst times of our lives ne?Acne,raging hormones,figuring out where we belong amongst our peers,and homework…. dreaded homework!I didn’t plan to think about this,but I recently read an article about coping with heartache(it’s not what you think.I love reading others’ opinions on a variety of topics).The writer encouraged any hurt person(s) to not look back on the bad times in a relationship,but relish the good times.That aligns with my general beliefs whenever someone lets me down or I lose faith in people.I try to think about their positive impacts on me,rather than the ill effects.Nonetheless,it made me gauge my overall love life and I will admit,the last 7 years have been a slaughter-fest lol!Don’t worry,I am not going around murdering my lovers,I am talking about me.I have poor taste in women and it’s evident,because for almost 7 years,I have been putting my heart on for display to these people and they tossed it wherever wasn’t in their sights lol.It’s fine,life goes on.But yeah…. it’s kinda sad.
Anyways,I was trying to think of a positive one and it goes all the way back into my high school years.Like I said… SAD!!

Ming-Na Li.I address you by name because since junior high,you have always watched over me and that continues to this very day.I don’t know how you found my blog,but I appreciate your commitment.

Ming-Na Li was my high school sweetheart and we dated for a year and 4 months.I am not going to bore you to death over specifics,but in one year at such a young age,I was exposed to pure love that I haven’t been able to find in my adult life.I have given up on being purely loved,but that is not the point here.Today,I recollected on my time with this person and how she was instrumental in my development even til this day.
We got paired together in a Chemistry class(Ha!Guess who got a degree in Biochemistry and why!?lol),because my sensei feared I was the dumbest student in his room,So Li was stuck with me.I was difficult to work with and to understand,because I was cho angsty and emo.Li was shy,quiet,and hyper intelligent.So the clashes of personality were already planted without us ever speaking.In the beginning,I would ignore her lectures and talks,so to shut her up,I would steal her glasses and wear them lol.I am very tall and she is like smurf,I would stand up and challenge her to take her eyewear if she could.Li,being a smart worker,punched me in the gut and that lowered my head enough for her to retrieve her glasses.JERK!
As time went on,I began to follow her lead,I studied hard,and my grades reflected that.My sensei was so impressed that he advanced Li from the class and he never called me Shinobaka-kun ever again.It’s not like any of it mattered,I was missing Li’s company,whom I grew very fond of,but didn’t have the courage to admit it.
Lunch time,I would go sit under a tree in the school grounds,just thinking about how much I really hate chemistry,and Li popped out of nowhere to join me!It was one of the rare times that I smiled as a teen…. seriously.For a year,we shared that tree for lunch time and we would talk about our goals for the future.Li wanted to be a teacher all over the world and help children in need; I wanted to be a pro wrestler,although I have zero muscle mass and I wanted to be a mangaka.During one of our final lunches together (unbeknownst to us),Li made me promise that we would study chemistry together in college,but I scoffed at that idea because I didn’t want to go to college,but I agreed just to see her smile.
I remember it so well,on a Tuesday night in February,Li called my family phone and informed me that she would be moving back to China with her family.Wednesday would be her departure date and my heart broke in countless pieces,I cried silently,but I told her I was coming to talk to her stupid dad in the hopes to change his mind.Dumbass me,I rode my bike all the way to her home,harshly knocked on their door,her father answered,I bowed deeply,and begged him to reconsider leaving Tokyo.Li saw me,but did speak a word and then her father just said “sorry” and close the door.
I didn’t sleep at all that night,I hatched a plan to get to the airport to see Li one final time.I took the earliest train to get me to Narita airport and I ran inside with my swollen tired eyes and messy hair.My eyes scanned everywhere for the sight of my short person of interest.I started to swell up with tears because I couldn’t find her,then suddenly I recognized her pale skin and black silky hair tied up in her usual fashion.I ran so fast to the check in lines,i crawled underneath the separating barrier and I hugged her tight.She was in disbelief that some weird guy suddenly grasped her,and then she started crying and hugged me back.Her parents finished checking in,so they had to hurry,but I made sure to expose my true heart to her.I promised her that I would become a top 30 student in my entrance exams(I did),I promised I would work harder to move to China (Didn’t happen),I would make sure we attend college together (nope),and I would get a degree in Chemistry like we promised(I did).Before She let go of our final hug,I told her that I loved her…. 14 year old me saying that and she replied the same.Finally,after letting her words sink in,I watched her disappear into the crowds and our connection was lost for 16 years.

At age 14,I probably met the only person that would have ever loved me in a way that came from the heart.Ming-Na Li,thank you for being patience with this baka and thank you for stalking my blog!!Also,Thank you for the millions of letters that I NEVER received because you forgot my address all those years lol!

Thanks for reading