I try not to display too much of my raw emotions online because if you,you’ll either be called “emo” or “giving out too much on the web”.For me,its not easy to pretend to be something I’m not.Plain and simple.I am not going to sit here and tell you that i am wearing the biggest life-loving smile on my face,all the while my eyes light up from the rays of happiness around me,and my life is spotless.No.That is not Shinobu Kyosuke.I am not a “cool” online persona or a “cold hearted” presence just for the sake of being spared online ridicule.I am a Japanese man that suffers from depression every second of my life since age 14 to now,I am not smiling nor am I frowning,I know happiness is around me,but I see no way in which i contributed to that.I just don’t see a point anymore and that scares me.
For awhile now,I don’t like waking up at 6am to fetch my work attire,shower,and eat breakfast.Why?Maybe because I’m lazy.You’re half way right there,but not entirely.My depression makes my body numb and I can’t move.A literal paralysis by one’s mind.Couple that with my favourite lover,Anxiety,then it’s a classic mental beatdown.I surrender when i second guess myself because anxiety makes you question your worth,your ability,your rights,your place,and it all chips away at confidence.Without a single ounce of belief in one’s self,what is your purpose again?At least in my dreams i can literally be and do anything,and that’s why I refuse to leave the bed laced with an grabbing depressive grip.
In my dreams,I matter,in reality,I’m an afterthought,the mistake,the failed experiment,the that first step that gets taken for granted,the loser,the outsider,the unreal.Why though?Why can’t I see past the pitch black?I need a candle….
Ladies and gentlemen,let me introduce you to my mind.Behind this skinny frame,the brown skin,the mask,the jokes,the otaku,the artist,the pervert,the shoulder to cry on,there lies a vessel headed by a fucked up mind.
Mind,let me introduce you to my blog,it’s an empty space,so try not to get too messy.Thank you.
Until next time…
Thank you for reading